welcoming grief

[GirlcalledGed]

Hi all there is a lot that I am struggling with at the moment. I am desperate for someone on my side. Acceptance of how things are is so hard because they have been like this for so long. I understand none striving but its hard because hope used to be what got me through- but I am still here. How do you accept grief, depression, disappointment, anger and shock etc etc without striving that bthe acceptance will bring peace? Thanks

[paulpsych]

Hi Ged
Sorry to hear you are going through difficult times. I don't know if it's any help, but what I tend to do is just try to observe where my mind is going. That, of course includes the striving for things to be other than they are. I find the more insight I develop into the paths my thoughts go down the better - even if they are going down paths I'd rather they didn't, if you see what I mean.
Be kind to yourself - simply accept that it's difficult for you to accept grief, depression, disappointment, anger and shock at the moment.

[Gareth]

I would just echo what Paul has said really. Lots and lots of self-compassion. It's OK not to be OK. It's normal to want to feel better, but I found that the best way to feel better is to allow myself to feel bad.

I hope you start to feel better soon. I'll try and get you some more experienced replies to this topic.

[piedwagtail91]

hi
another vote for self compassion - sorry.
this may sound odd but the more you strive to get away from grief, depression, disappointment, anger and shock the more you'll probably feel them.

acceptance doesn't mean you have to like feeling those emotions or be happy with them.
acceptance means just that , that that's what you're feeling right now.
being able to accept you feel depressed isn't pleasant but fighting it won't help.
if it did work, you'd be fine now.
in my experience the harder i fought to get out of depression , to be like i used to be and feel like i used to do, the worse i felt, because i couldn't get to the 'good place' i wanted to be.
it was another failure.
trying to get to that good place you remember you were once at can't happen, it was in the past.
thats why you usually end up more depressed.
accepting i felt depressed wasn't pleasant but letting go of the striving to feel better did help, - a lot.

this is a quote by Kristin Neff
"You don't want to beat yourself up for beating yourself up in the vain hope that it will somehow make you stop beating yourself up.
Just as hate can't conquer hate -- but only strengthens and reinforces it…..
self- judgment can't stop self-judgment."
Kristin Neff

i don't like too many quotes but the main person you need on your side (it took me a long time to accept this)is explained in this next quote from kristin neff. this is her website http://www.self-compassion.org/

A Precious Gift

Self-compassion is a gift available to anyone willing to open up to themselves.
When we develop the habit of self-kindness, suffering becomes an opportunity to experience love and tenderness from within.
No matter how difficult things get, we can always wrap our torn and tattered selves in our own soft embrace.
We can soothe and comfort our own pain just as a child is soothed and comforted by her mother's arms.
We don’t have to wait until we are perfect, until life goes exactly as we want it to.
We don't need others to respond with care and compassion in order to feel worthy of love.
We don't need to look outside ourselves for the acceptance and security we crave. This is not to say that we don't need other people.
Of course we do.
But who is in the best position to know how you really feel underneath that cheerful facade?
Who is most likely to know the full extent of the pain and fear you face, to know what you need most? Who is the only person in your life who is available all day every day to provide you with care and kindness?
You.
Kristin Neff

keep in contact, lots of help is available on this site.
mick

[GirlcalledGed]

Thank you. I don't feel quite so hopeless as before.

[JonW]

"Thank you. I don't feel quite so hopeless as before."

That's good to hear.
I hope you stick around on this forum. We are a friendly, supportive community and will always endeavour to help and advise in whatever way we're able.
All best wishes,
Jon

[Matt Y]

Mick's post provides some really useful information on what can be helpful when dealing with the emotional states you've yet to befriend.

Here's a few other suggestions:

1. The best person to have on your side is yourself. And to be your own best friend practice being kind and gentle to your own thoughts and feelings.

2. If acceptance is hard, which it often can be, then it's perfectly okay just to see if you can tolerate your emotions. That is, let your emotions hang around without trying to get rid of them. You might like to treat each emotion as though it were someone looking for a best friend. Your emotions probably just want you to listen to them. They don't really enjoy being told to get lost!

Karla McLaren has lots of really useful things to say about emotions in her book: The Language of Emotions. http://karlamclaren.com/

With regard to grief, she says:

Grief and sadness are different emotions; sadness appears when it's time to let go of something that isn't working anyway. Grief appears when a death has occurred - either a real death, or the death of an idea, a relationship, or something deeply important to you. When grief appears, stop, drop everything and ask:

What must be mourned?
What must be released completely?

The grieving process is obstructed when there's an unwillingness to accept or honour loss, death or profound transitions.

[MattG]

Jon has recommended a few books for me on the thread I started. Anyone experince of Pema Chodron's 'When Things Fall Apart'?

I don't want t hijack Ged's thread but don't want to spam the Board by keeping my own going, if that's what some may think so I'm in a bit of a quandry. So, hope this is okay here.

[JonW]

Hi Matt. It's fine to post here or on your own thread. Whatever you're most comfortable with.
Pema Chodron's When Things Fall Apart is an astonishing book. I would highly recommend it.
All good things,
Jon

[GirlcalledGed]

Thank you everyone and hi MattG.

I am sorry for your recent loss Matt. I am glad for you that you had already found mindfulness and you are able to reach out for support. I hope you feel some peace in your grief soon.
My loss was 3 years ago when my first son was stillborn. I have 'lost' relationships since then too. So the information posted by Matt written by Karla mclaren is reassuring, thanks.
Being kind to myself is an absolute necessity. For me and my son who is only 2 and so vulnerable and precious. It has been such a long hard road but it has brought me to mindfulness which I know is what I have been searching for my whole life. And right now at this moment I am at relative peace, not quite ready, but almost.
I hope this helps you in some way. It helps me to share it