Have I been doing it wrong?

[ruminator]

I've been meditating on-and-off to deal with dysthymia for years (*Wherever You Go, There You Are* was one of my go-to books) and have appreciated some of the benefits, in particular the ability to savor life and (sometimes) be content with my lot, which, objectively considered, is pretty above-average. One thing it never really helped with, though, was my tendency to ruminate.

Now, this last year has been pretty rough, a lot of ups and downs: losing my father, finding things out about my family that are hard to process, domestic problems and more. Kind of what I hoped my practice would help me meet calmly and mindfully, but I made some questionable decisions and my depression came back full-strength. Now I'm no longer content with a life that, objectively considered, should be entirely satisfactory.

The way I've lately been fighting the depression is actually a crapload of cardio - that's been one of the only things that make me feel good these days. When I meditate I just spiral into rumination. I spiral into rumination a lot anyway. (Reciting prime numbers, I discovered yesterday, may be a more effective way to stop distressing thought chains than attending to my breath.)

So, since cardio was so clearly effective and meditation not-so-much, I've let my meditation practice fall away.

But maybe I've been missing some key component this whole time.

Well, that was personal. And I don't know if I'm just venting or asking for help, but there it is.

[piedwagtail91]

i spent years using exercise to try to 'fix' my depression.
in the end it didn't work.
i was going on longer and longer bike rides, 2 or 3 100 mile rides a week sometimes,
for me it was all punishment because i couldn't be where i thought i should be.
in the end i couldn't do it anymore and mindfulness came along.
it was difficult, it took around twelve months but i managed to accept things, ans =d as i did that the almost constant rumination eased.
i have a mix of practice, i still do a lot of formal but i also use a lot of movement, yoga and nordic walking.
sitting meditations aren't for everyone.
would it be possible for you to do your cardio mindfully?
if it's running focussing on the sensations in your feet?
just a few thoughts that may or may not help.
mick

[Gareth]

Mick has beaten me to it, I was going to make the same suggestion.

Why not try and make your cardio your meditation? Bring your attention to your heart rate, to the sweat on your skin, to the music in your ears (if you have any), to the changing condition of your body as you work out. When your attention wanders, then bring it back to these sensations.

This is surely a form of meditation, no?

[piedwagtail91]

But Gareth has put it much better than I did.

[Hopendreams]

There is no question that the stress of depression or tragic events can try your mindfulness practice. There is scattered mind, simple mind, one mind, and then no mind. With no mind, which is not an easy place to be without many years of practice, the self disappears into the action which is what I believe you approach with the cardio. You will always find peace there. One mind will also help. Here you constantly think of one thing like a project you are working on or a Koan. With simple mind and scattered mind you bounce back and forth with the problems you feel. You probably know all this. Try get to the place where there is no future and no past and know that the depression you feel does not exist in this world. No one can catch it from you and you cannot hand it over to someone. It could even be chemical in nature like hormones, medication you may be taking or the lack of some vitamins or minerals. For me knowing this helped me turn the corner from what was going to be possibly a lengthly downward slide. So this depression is only in your mind and you are the steward of that mind. Help others and it will return to you because on the level of the mind we are all connected. I wish you happiness..which by the way also only exists in the mind. A great Zen Master said "the only happiness found on top of the mountain is the happiness you bring up there". This is also true of depression...anger...love. I hope to see you up at the top of the mountain my friend!

[Hopendreams]

I feel like a bucket of water on a camp fire. Maybe this is not for me. I wish you all the best.

[Gareth]

There's no need to feel that way. You are most welcome here.

[ruminator]

Thanks everybody for your replies. This all sounds reasonable. I'm taking it in and letting it marinate.