Resistance and acceptance

[Loobyloo]

I began mindfulness meditation over two years ago when I was going through a really dark place in my life. The worst aspect of this time was waking every morning with dread and anxiety in my stomach. Absolutely nothing I tried helped pull me out of this place until I began following the 8-week course in 'Finding Peace in a Frantic World', it was truly life-changing. Life started becoming easier, happier, more peaceful and the dreaded mornings dissipated. Life opened up again and became full of hope and possibility. I have continued my practice ever since, and whenever I've gone through a difficult patch, I have had faith that meditation will aid me through the other side of it, which it always has.

At the end of last year I quit my soul-destroying job and went to Australia over Christmas, before coming back to launch my freelance career. Although I still know I made the right decision, I am struggling to adjust and am being plagued with insecurity and negative thinking, and those horrid mornings have returned. I have now started dreading the mornings again and seem to have got myself into a cycle.

I know that 'what you resists persists' and all that, so can't help feeling I am doing this to myself. I am continuing to meditate every day, and in fact have stepped it up in the hope it will help me through this phase, but I am losing faith. I know that I am desiring an outcome which is counter to what mindfulness is all about! Help!

Thanks,
Lucy

[JonW]

Hi Lucy.
Sorry to hear you're having such a rough time.
Maybe it's time to go back to basics. Have you considered enrolling on a group course with a qualified teacher? If no courses are available in your area, maybe you would consider enrolling on an online course. It might just be that you need a new grounding in mindfulness.
We're a friendly bunch here at Everyday Mindfulness and will always do our best to help.
So keep talking.
All best wishes,
Jon, Hove

[Loobyloo]

Hi Jon, many thanks for your response - an online course is a great idea, why didn't I think of that? Also maybe some new reading material to bring me back to basics - any suggestions?

[JonW]

In terms of online courses, Breathworks might be worth looking into.
In terms of books I would recommend Jon Kabat-Zinn's Coming To Our Senses very highly…
Good things,
Jon

[Gareth]

I had a period a while back where there was a change in my external circumstances. It felt like someone had ripped my mindfulness from beneath me. My mind was constantly going to the future, filled with anxious thoughts. It was so strange after a really long period of extreme peacefulness that this practice had given me.

I'm glad to say that this period passed, and it taught me a valuable lesson. That is, that none of us can hold onto mindfulness forever; it's just not the way that our brains are made.

These periods of anxiety may come and go for you; I have read interviews with long-time meditators who still experience low periods in their life. My advice to you would be to keep meditating, even maybe in the morning when you are having these anxious periods. If you can get comfortable with these anxious thoughts, then maybe their impact on you will be lessened.

[BioSattva]

Hi Lucy.

How long are you sitting for?
What is the most 'formal' tuition in the method that you have had?

If you are not sitting for 45 minutes a day, for example, and you haven't done a course then I go with what Jon said above.

[piedwagtail91]

Hi Jon, many thanks for your response - an online course is a great idea, why didn't I think of that? Also maybe some new reading material to bring me back to basics - any suggestions?

have look at this book http://www.amazon.co.uk/The-Mindful-Way-Workbook-Depression/dp/1462508146 i got mine from waterstones as amazon are out of stock
i'm up to session 4 on a quick read through and can thoroughly recommend it.

[JonW]

I guess there are times when our mindfulness practice needs a new lick of paint or at least a bit of freshening up, especially when the going gets tough.
At times like these it might be worth considering going through the 8-week course again, on a course or (failing that) with the help of a book.
I've been on a couple of day retreats (mindfulness days in nature) with my teacher since finishing the course and I've found those days to hugely beneficial.
As I've mentioned before, I run a mindfulness meet-up group in my area. We're now up to 90 members. I find it very inspiring to meet up with like-minded people from time to time.
Cheers, Jon

[Loobyloo]

I had a period a while back where there was a change in my external circumstances. It felt like someone had ripped my mindfulness from beneath me. My mind was constantly going to the future, filled with anxious thoughts. It was so strange after a really long period of extreme peacefulness that this practice had given.

Gareth - thank you, yes this is exactly how I feel! It feels like the rug has been pulled from beneath my feet, and the inner confidence I felt I had established through my practice has gone.

Good to know it passed. I know 'this too will change' but it is hard to see that right now. I think, without realising it, I have been avoiding my anxious thoughts rather than facing and accepting them. Time to practice

Jon - thanks for the online and book recommendations, I will look into them. I've just ordered the Happy Buddha's book 'Happiness and how it happens'. I wish there was a mindfulness meetup group in my area, but I can't find one, it would be great to meet up with like-minded souls.

Biosattva - I sit twice a day, morning and evening for 15-20 minutes. Do you think I should step it up to 45 mins? I have only done the eight-week course through a book, so am mainly self-taught.

Piedwagtail91 - I will look into the Mindful Way Workbook, thanks!

All your responses are much appreciated, thank you.

Lucy

[Sarahem]

Hi Lucy,

Sorry to hear you've been having a difficult time. I can identify with what you were saying about the anxiety in the mornings as I had a difficult period last year in which I felt the same. I think for me I realised that I was sometimes using my periods of formal practice with a planned outcome of feeling calm, if that makes sense. Although sometimes it did the trick I couldn't figure out why the anxiety was still recurring. I then did the 8 week mindfulness course and one of the weeks we did a meditation that was to do with sitting with difficult thoughts and feelings. This was really useful as it helped me realise that sometimes when I was meditating I was actually just focusing on being calm rather than what my true inner experience was. Bringing an awareness to some of my thoughts that were creating some of these anxious feelings was a really good start. I still get days where I feel anxious in the mornings but I've got my confidence back that it will pass.
Hope that helps, sorry if any of it doesn't make sense, I've only just joined the forum and I'm not very used to explaining myself when it comes to mindfulness!
Wishing you well.
Sarah