Mindfulness and anger

[Sarahem]

Hi everyone,
I have a question about situations in which I feel angry. I've been practicing mindfulness daily for over a year now and I've done the 8 week MBCT course. A situation arose earlier this evening in which my Mum said something personal and critical which really pushed my buttons. I noticed/observed that I felt angry and the mindful part of me noticed that I wanted to say something hurtful/angry etc back. Through this awareness I made the choice not to say something hurtful that I wouldn't be able to retract so in that sense mindfulness was useful. However, my quandry occurs for several reasons. I feel like the more 'mindful' response would be to try to respond with love or if that's too much at least with some equanimity - but in that instance I don't feel it at all. In that mindful moment that occured I was busy trying to formulate a reasonable/assertive/calm response but couldn't think of anything because the rage was still swirling round and so I just didn't say anything. That in turn has left me with a deep sense of dissatisfaction and a physical sense of anger that feels like acid is burning a hole in my stomach!
I can see that its helpful that I just didn't just vent my frustration thus possibly creating friction in our relationship but equally I feel like (and have done in other situations) that through having that mindful moment that I'm ending up in a situation where I'm not saying anything and just kind of suppressing anger and holding onto it in my body, which doesn't feel particularly healthy either. I'm aware that I could go back later when I've calmed down and try to say something but somehow I'm never too comfortable with that as the other person (in this instance my Mum) will probably have forgotten all about it and I imagine she will think it odd that I've brought it up again hours after the original conversation.
The mindful moment that I have when I initially feel angry is helpful because it prevents me from losing my temper and saying something in anger but the downside is that I'm finding that it gives me time to try and work out a better response, I can't figure out what that would be and then the moments passed and I've not said anything at all.
I'm just wondering what other people are finding in their experiences with mindfulness and anger? Does anyone else find that it's sometimes meant that they've just not said anything at all but then been frustrated that they've not aired their grievance.

Hope that makes sense, I was finding it hard to describe!
Look forward to hearing thoughts on it.
Sarah x

[Gareth]

Like you, I find it very useful to just hold the anger and ride it, not reacting automatically like I used to. A good quote I have used on @mindfuleveryday:

“Never trust your tongue when your heart is bitter.” ~ Samuel Hurwitz

This doesn't mean you can't respond to the situation when the anger has calmed though. You are still thinking about this situation, so maybe something needs to be said. I see what you mean about the moment passing and all that. Maybe next time, you can watch the anger until it subsides enough so that you can make a thoughtful response.

I'm certainly not an expert on these things, but it seems to me that if your mum has hurt you, then you really ought to say something about it.

[BioSattva]

An ex-partner of mine was so at the mercy of her parents' judgement I began to wonder whether they were worthy of continuing to be considered her parents at all - of course that was her call; she was maintaining the relationship.

I am not a parent myself, but it seems that there can be quite a power-trip involved in a parent withdrawing love from a child (in whatever way - through labels or threats) and the child, if it is now an adult, often needs to grow up - to become more of an independent adult in these situations - to have self-esteem independent from parental judgement - something children are all dependent upon, and which can be very easily carried through to their adult life. The famous 'Positive Social Psychologist' Tal Ben-Shahar has a good article online about this here: Toward a New Formulation of Self-Esteem:
Dependent, Independent, and Unconditional.

I have had to 'reframe' my family relationships a number of times in my mind when having to come to terms with the limitations of certain individuals, and mindfulness has become an invaluable tool in feeling resilient enough to accept that my closest relations may not have enough compassion to care for others, or even themselves. This has allowed me to get some space to breathe when living under the same roof - I can accept their limitations so much more easily. It has not been nice for me to have to accept there is such emotional distance between myself and certain members of my family, but trying to believe otherwise makes me feel too vulnerable to the kinds of incident you appear to be describing.

Regarding when anger hits, then yes, once it's here, it's here - there's no point trying to resist it's energy - we've got to let it 'burn completely' like some Zen Masters say. We can be mindful of the chemicals and feelings rushing around inside of ourselves and we can go to take some time out to relax, manage and 'break' any negative feedback cycles occurring between body and mind. In an attempt to manage the social setting and correct any imbalances, then later compassionate communication regarding the matter doesn't seem strange to me. If those words are potentially that hurtful, and could easily be mentioned or made out to be significant again, then there needs to be a way to resolve it.

Thich Nhat Hanh has written a book called 'Anger - Wisdom for Cooling the Flames'. I have found it useful in places. I think he even has a letter section which can be used to communicate more peacefully if the topic is potentially emotionally explosive.

[Bitterballen]

Hi Sarah, I had a very similar experience myself just last week when I was visiting home. Also with my Mother. There has been more than one occasion in the past week since it happened that I have 're-enacted' the situation in my head on more than one occasion. I think the advice posted above me is all worth considering, and I am not sure if there is much I can do to add to it.

I will say that what I try to do, after the event, is encourage some kind of compassion towards my Mother. The irony is that she herself will speak to me quite openly that she gets very frustrated with some of the comments she receives from her own mother. I suppose that I think she may be 'passing on' those feelings to me without realising it. I know that she has had a lot of difficulties to overcome and is under quite a lot of pressure at the moment so I just try to accept that she said something that was hurtful, that she likely didn't mean it and that hopefully me continuing to do my best in terms of showing compassion back (which I accept I could do more of) will help us both.

Edit: I would add that certainly in the book I consulted I was regularly reminded that mindfulness is not about "accepting the unacceptable". The anecdote I shared above is very specific to me and I have approached it in a particular way. Of course if the difficulties you are having are continuous and disruptive then they may well require a more direct approach.

[Steve]

I don't know what the answer to this is but share the feeling that whilst avoiding a flare up and hurtful exchange is desirable (I dislike conflict), it also feels as if the anger is being suppressed and thus building up resentment. I think I have read somewhere (sorry can't remember where) that one approach is to avoid retaliating but, instead, express how something makes you feel (upset, sad, hurt etc etc) simply as a matter of fact, without any blame, so you communicate to the the other person the effect of what they have said or done on your feelings. I must admit, though, that I have not managed to put this into practice.

I seem to be able to deal with some of the resentment by stepping back from it, trying to let it go and accepting that is the way the relationship is so there is no point trying to force it to be something it isn't. This, however, does seem to mean that the relationship becomes more distant and a less meaningful part of one's life. Whether this is a good thing or not, i don't know.

Steve

[Sarahem]

Hi Everyone,

Thanks for your replies and thoughts.
Gareth, I very much like the quote that you shared so thank you. I reflected on what you and BioSattva said about the fact that it was still rather 'live' for me. I tried today to mindfully notice my thoughts and feelings on the conversation that I wrote about. I came to the conclusion that as I was continuing to experience these feelings of anger today that as you suggested a mindful wise choice might be to say something to my Mum and address it. So I've now had a conversation with my Mum. I'm not sure how compassionate it was, I still find that very difficult when feeling anger but at least it wasn't said in the heat of temper! Steve- it's funny you mention about merely stating facts, I tried to do the "I felt hurt/angry when you said xyz". I've also read somewhere that this is a good way to own your own stuff without blaming etc.

Bitterballen - I was interested when you said about offering some kind of compassion towards your Mum (sorry to hear you'd had a similar situation btw). Are you referring to a loving/kindness meditation? When I read your message, it occurred to me that I could do a loving/kindness meditation and have my Mum as one of my people. Does anyone else find that loving/kindness meditations can be useful when working with anger?

Hopefully with practice and using mindfulness I will reach a place where I am able to say how I feel including the angry feelings in a way that feels comfortable.

Thanks again for all your helpful comments. I really enjoyed reading through them!

Sarah

[Bitterballen]

Hi Sarah, on this occasion no, I did not build it in to my formal practice. I basically just 'saw' that the feeling of frustration over the situation was returning with some regularity so I sat down and took a few moments to consider my various thoughts and feelings in relation to it. It was during that time I tried to bring some feelings of compassion towards my Mum.

However in the past I can confirm that my Mum is the only person who has featured in both the 'think of someone you love' and the 'think of someone you find difficult' role in formal compassionate meditation practice (although not at the same time of course )

Edit: Also, I often try and be mindful of progress I have made when I hit the occasional 'roadblock'. For example whilst I still, like yourself, have difficulties rationally explaining the way I feel to family I have managed to overcome that problem when talking with my Wife, and I now feel quite able to explain to her when something has upset or bothered me without resorting to arguments or heated comments.

[BioSattva]

it occurred to me that I could do a loving/kindness meditation and have my Mum as one of my people. Does anyone else find that loving/kindness meditations can be useful when working with anger?

Yes - a great idea.

[piedwagtail91]

I don't know what the answer to this is but share the feeling that whilst avoiding a flare up and hurtful exchange is desirable (I dislike conflict), it also feels as if the anger is being suppressed and thus building up resentment. I think I have read somewhere (sorry can't remember where) that one approach is to avoid retaliating but, instead, express how something makes you feel (upset, sad, hurt etc etc) simply as a matter of fact, without any blame, so you communicate to the the other person the effect of what they have said or done on your feelings.

thats a good way of dealing with it at the time, but if the feeling of anger carries on it for a while it can get toxic.
the only person it then hurts is you.
one thing i've done is to meditate on it, the anger, the sensations in the body.
sometimes we use anger as a shield to hide what we really feel, the deep sense of hurt, upset.
the harder emotion of anger protecting what we really feel, the softer sensitive emotions.
so if you meditate on anger,on it's sensations in the body, going in close rather than wanting to push them away and tense against them, if after you've done that and you notice that emotions are still strong , go back and sit and look inside yourself again and see how you really feel, then try checking again how you feel and see what emotions come up. choose the strongest and see where that emotion is in your body, breath into that place , but be very kind and compassionate to yourself.
if it gets too much let go, go back to your breath, use the breath as an anchor to calm and recentre before going back to the sensations in your body.
do it as many times as you need, watching emotions and sensations change and possibly fade. you may need to do this a few times but eventually it will become easier.
not easy which is why you can keep going back to the breath.

[JonW]

This is a fascinating thread.
I've always struggled in terms of how to deal with other people's anger, especially those close to me and particularly in relationships.
On the rare occasions I show anger, I'm like Mount Vesuvius going off.
Some great advice on this thread. For which, many thanks.
Cheers, Jon