Last hope...

[bohboh]

I am a 40 yr old male with a family, home and a job. All normal apparently.
I have been suffering with a range of anxieties and mood disorders for many, many years. Recently, i have been looking to get to the bottom through books and blogs , forums etc to the point where it came an obsession, learning about happiness, social anxiety disorders yadda yadda. I have started taking st johns wort as i read it can help.

Yet, i feel that reading up is making it worse, i cant seem to slow my mind and i am constantly trying to work things out in my head to the point where i am starting to feel like sherlock holmes trying to solve a case. It is constant, non stop head chatter. I cant sleep, constant headaches, family falling apart due to yet another drop in my mood.

I heard about mindfulness around 6 months ago, bought a book and started doing it. But the problem i have is , i dont know if i am doing it wrong or just not being patient enough with it, within moments of finishing meditating, my brain is off again sending me on a downward spiral to which i cannot stop. Some days, i felt i was needing to meditate constantly in order to stop and slow down.

I dont have anyone or anywhere to get this off my chest and speak to others, my partner doesnt understand and so tries to help but cant. Last night was a close one, i havent had dark thoughts like the ones i had for many years, it is like i have gone back to when it was really bad. I tried speaking to my gp, but if i am not interested in pills, then its a quick chat with the nurse or nothing else.

Am i alone or are there many others like this?
Should i be more patient with mindfullness meditation? how do i know its working?

[JonW]

Hi bohboh,
Sorry to hear things are so tough for you right now.
For some, mindfulness cannot properly be learned via a book. It might be that taking an 8-week course with a qualified teacher would be more beneficial for you. If no classes are available in your area, it might be worth considering taking an online courses or finding a qualified teacher who could teach you 1-2-1 via Skype.
Patience is key. Same goes for regular practice.
One of the apparent paradoxes with mindfulness is that it tends not to bring benefits if one is striving for specific results. Maybe that's the obstacle in your way right now - that you badly need it to work. The practice is a lot more subtle than that, making it very different from any form of self-help.
We're not experts on this forum and there's a limit to how much we can advise, particularly when it comes to medical matters.
But we will do our best to answer any questions you might have.
I hope you stick around here and I hope things get easier for you.
My best, Jon

[piedwagtail91]

hi
you're not alone in feeling like this.
it's an experience shared by most if not all people with anxiety or depression issues.
mindfulness won't stop the thoughts or anxieties or difficulties of daily life, with time and practice it will help you relate to them differently, help you see them as thoughts and not facts.
it takes practice and patience, it's not a quick fix.
if you're really struggling then i'd suggest looking for a 8 week course in your area, where you can get to talk to an experienced teacher face to face.
striving to try to think your way out and fix things doesn't work, it makes them worse, because every time you 'fail' you beat yourself up that little bit more, that little bit harsher.
mindfulness can help you see that, and eventually you'll be able to let those thoughts go.
it does take practice and time.
keep in touch, theres a lot of good advice available from people on this forum.
mick

[Gareth]

Hi there. Thanks for being brave enough to make this post.

You are most certainly not alone in having these thoughts and feeling this way. Take a look at Mick's story on the main site: http://www.everyday-mindfulness.org/my- ... erience-2/.

Try and lose the notion of mindfulness as some kind of 'solution,' it's much more nuanced than that. Yes, mindfulness can make a massive difference to many people, but in the beginning I think it's best to treat it as a process. Just something you do every day. Lots and lots of self compassion too, wherever you can manage it.

As others have suggested, it might be worth trying to get yourself on a course somewhere. Despite it's simplicity, mindfulness can be a really tricky thing to get your head around. In the words of JKZ:

You don't have to like it, you just have to do it.

[bohboh]

Thanks all.

Knowing that i am not alone is strangely comforting.

Can anyone recommend an online mindfulness coach or service? plenty to choose from...

[piedwagtail91]

You could find a local course on here http://bemindful.co.uk/ they also do an online course.
It's a strange feeling learning that you're not alone in your experience.
We recently ran a taster session for or courses and one of those attending was really surprised that we (the volunteers who told of our mindfulness experience) were practically listing everything they were experiencing. Before that they thought they'd been alone.
mick

[JonW]

Hi bohboh.
As Mick says, that feeling of aloneness is fairly common. It was a shock to me to learn that I wasn't the only person on the planet with a tumble-drier mind. Particularly in the west, we seem to find it so difficult to admit this sort of thing to anyone else. Which is one reason among many why this forum is so important. There's no judgment here. We've all come to mindfulness for our own reasons. I doubt anyone has come to it because their life is a bowl of cherries and they're aiming to become that little bit happier. I'm a firm believer that mindfulness finds us. When we're good and ready.
I believe my mindfulness teacher Nick Diggins (see interview with Nick on the main site) does 1-2-1 sessions via Skype. If you'd like, I can ask him if he has any free slots or whether he can recommend a teacher. Rest assured, I won't discuss any of your personal details with him.
All best, Jon

[Cheesus]

The monkey mind can be insidious. Moreover, it perpetually volunteers for tasks that it is unable to do. The attempt to think our way out of mental distress reminds me of the classic yogi phrase 'you can't move mind with mind'. I used to suffer from 'pure-o style' intrusive thoughts, so you can believe I know exactly how you feel. Ironically it's when we let go of the struggle that things start to loosen-up and settle-down.

In addition to perhaps seeking some 1-2-1 mindfulness training, I suggest you maybe seek private counselling. You need someone to guide you and somewhere to vent. You can come from the most supportive family in the world, but you can't tell them everything and trust me they after a point they are unlikely to want to hear it.

I have heard mixed reviews about St John's Wort. If it doesn't prove to assist you after giving it a good go, maybe think about taking an Ashwagandha supplement as I have had very good success with it. It also has a raft of other beneficial health effects in addition to being a superb anxiolytic.

Finally, you really need to step away from google. Coming here and talking to others is fine, of course, but surfing google is a sure road to further stress and unhappiness. Again, I've first hand experience of the effects that too much information can have on the human psyche.

All the best
Alex

[bohboh]

Sounds like you have been on a very similar journey to mine, but are further down the path.

I think i need to put things into perspective with a reality check, i get worked up when i am not totally relaxed by a worry or issue. My idea of totally relaxed is possibly based on a misguided notion that when most people are relaxed by default, that is, a similar sense of calm you get after a massage. Am i way off the mark as to how people are day to day? what is the norm amongst the larger population, are worries part of everyday life for the majority? the people i walk past everyday, i cant stop thinking that they live a calmer, more content life than me and i am constantly seeking how to to reach the place where they are, but are they as anxious/worried as i am, or worse?

What is a realistic expectation of calm for the modern man and woman?

is it too big a question to answer?

[JonW]

"Are worries part of everyday life for the majority?...What is a realistic expectation of calm for the modern man and woman?"
I'd say it's a fair bet that most people, certainly in the west, live worried lives. You only need to take a look at the number of prescriptions written for anti-depressants in the UK, the number of people in serious debt, the number of marriages that end in divorce etc., etc.
We can't live by comparing our own lives with the lives of others. Besides, speculating about how happy or miserable other people might be is just another thought, another concept, yet another thing that takes us away from the moment that we could be living.
I agree with Alex about Google. Too much information will only lead to yet more worry.
When we sit and meditate for the first time, we become aware of just how frantic our minds. One of my favourite (and most oft-quoted) statistics is that the average person has 78,000 thoughts a day. How many of those daily thoughts are actually useful to us? A thousand? Maybe two thousand max? Maybe much less.
Mindfulness teaches us to relate to our thoughts in a different, healthier way. We begin to see that thoughts have no actual solidity or substance. It's pure mental chatter, the mind just doing what the mind does.
But it takes practice and it takes true commitment. It needs to become a part of your life. But it won't be hurried and striving for results will become counter-productive.
All best, Jon