Just One Thing - change your brain by the way you use it

[MaggieMckernon]

Enjoyed JonW's comments on changing brain with fine wines due to the particular date ,now passed, so Happy New Year to the forum and wishing us all well for the years work ahead. I am also finding the cue sheets helpful, and definitely already tuning into and picking up on getting on my own side rather than undermining myself Re the organization of the thread, I do find it hard to figure where the topic is but I only joined twitter last week to do this practice so perhaps all will become clear.For instance I cant see who is involved in this particular thread as opposed to the other mindfulness discussions. Maybe someone can point out some twitter basics .

[Metaphysical Me]

So, staying with the rellies (in-laws) over X-mas, I had some interesting opportunities to practise JOT's Week 1 task - being "for" myself...

As background info, let me just say that the in-laws were all behaving like lunatics - it was like being stuck inside a Monty Python film... (but less fun than that makes it sound!)

One really interesting thing I noticed about "being for yourself" is that you can actually get quite a bit of backlash! I've gotten on really well with my in-laws so far (I've known them 12 years now), I've always had a reputation there as being "so nice". Mainly, I'd say, from *not* being on my own side enough.

While I've always jokingly warned them that "Nope, I'm not actually as NICE as you think, haha!!" I don't think they really believed me.

Bizarrely, on this visit, when I stood up for myself (which didn't really involve any "bad" behaviour) I was made to understand that that was "NOT NICE" of me.

It made me realise that by "being for ourselves" or "being ourselves" it can sort of separate the wheat from the chaff, as far as the people around us goes.

It was certainly an eye-opener to my in-laws, to see me not taking their usual lunacy, without complaining.

And it was definitely an eye-opener for me too, to see how thin the veneer of social niceness is and how it can be based firmly on the demand that everyone be un-authentic and fakey.

Just thought I'd share this, because it surprised me that JOT's Week 1 task of being for ourselves - which sounds so "positive" - can potentially also have some firey backlash...

[Metaphysical Me]

Re the organization of the thread, I do find it hard to figure where the topic is but I only joined twitter last week to do this practice so perhaps all will become clear.For instance I cant see who is involved in this particular thread as opposed to the other mindfulness discussions. Maybe someone can point out some twitter basics .

Hi Maggie,
I have no twitter advice that I can give - I know even less about that than you do!
I just wanted to say that you can read and write on the forum on the "normal" internet too - not just via twitter. Maybe that's easier for you?
For instance, this thread is at:
http://www.everyday-mindfulness.org/forum/viewtopic.php?f=3&t=3726

[Steve]

Vicky is there an android app?

Steve

[betty.etal]

That was such an interesting reflection on how being for yourself can upset the social norms re being "nice". I often feel that keeping my feelings to myself works better for me than sharing them when I'm with people who don't seem to have an ounce of mindfulness, but perhaps that is just my conflict-averse traits showing up (and years of training to not say things that are "not nice" as a child). I tend to avoid people who are into the social niceties but it does make for not having many friends! Perhaps there is a happy medium somewhere, but I haven't found it yet.

Does anyone think it's possible to be there for yourself and speak up around those who are not the slightest bit mindful?

Betty

[Geiko]

betty.etal, that is what I've been asking myself often, too. After being told many times by my therapists and reading it in several books, I finally realised it too, why being myself is important and at the same time hard. Knowing is one thing, realising another

If we are ourselves, yes some people won't stick around with us anymore. But that is kind of good because those are the people who couldn't possibly love us as we truly are. And those who could will stay, and naturaly your behaviour attracts people who can live with that kind of behaviour and/or appreciate it.

It's hard to try that with people you already know (family, friends), but I found it easier to try it with new acquaints, people who work at shops and similar. And it's a very liberating feeling. If someone is not yet your friend, you kind of don't have so much to loose, and you will probably be surprised how many will become yur friends

[Vicky67]

Hi Steve

I'm not sure about an Android app - I'm on iPhone at the moment.

Re 'backlash', oh, this is sooo timely for me at the moment! My goal for 2014 is to start living authentically, which perfectly marries with being on my side. I also schooled myself, as a child, in keeping quiet and avoiding conflict; at the cost learning to express my thoughts and feelings. I've become a master over the years! So I'm learning new skills and have been experimenting with them over the past 8 months or so. And, yes, it's not always been comfortable! My therapist told me this week that I was coming to a point of 'self-actualisation'. I'm starting to see with greater clarity and beginning to make choices based on my new perspective. She's warned me - & I've experienced - that it can be difficult for those around me as I start to make unfamiliar choices (previously, I have not been 'on my side' nearly enough).

So, little by little, I shall practise, practise, practise... And I would rather surround myself with people who accept me for who I am than think I 'should' conform... That's what I tell myself!

Vicky

[betty.etal]

So it seems like we are all finding the same thing: it's worth taking the risk of being authentic and being on our side with people who we can choose not be around if they won't respect/see us for who we are, but it's a lot harder to do that with family, when the family members who don't want to see the truth. I need to think some more on whether I'm copping out or being on my side by keeping quiet to keep the peace with my family!

Betty

[betty.etal]

Wow - the universe must really want me to get this week's lesson. Right after posting the above, an email came in from a family member that gave me the perfect opportunity to reflect. Without boring you with the details, it became evident on reflecting on our discussion and this week's topic, that it was an opportunity for me to stop trying to protect others and be true to me, while being kind. Scary stuff and empowering all at the same time. Thank you for my being able to be a part of this and be challenged where I really need it.

Betty

[Metaphysical Me]

Well, phew! I'm not the only one experiencing this "being yourself" social-backlash...

I must say that as much as I like and respect Rick Hanson's work (the author of JOT) I do regularly notice flaws in his books and I personally think that starting the JOT "workbook" with this topic is misguided.

Yeah, as he writes, it's totally CENTRAL to the whole thing. And I get his logic in wanting to make that the first week's topic.

But sensible practice builds up to the core themes slowly... I think he should've given us a few weeks of "introductory" tasks / themes before presenting us with this whopping challenge.

And, at the very least, he should have pointed out what we have ourselves discovered - namely that it is a topic with social "side-effects"...

Betty, with these kinds of questions (how authentic should I be to my relatives) I'm a huge fan of compromises... I think dogmatically trying to be "authentic" all the time causes just as many problems as "never sticking up for yourself" does.

Especially if you have a history of trauma, then you don't need family-backlash to your new-found assertiveness to get the proverbial sh*t hitting the fan - leaving you to pick up the pieces...

Try to work out whether being authentic to a family member in a given situation is likely to bring a positive learning experience for you, or is more liable to wreak emotional havoc that you will have trouble weathering...