My journey so far

[Simonjk]

Hi all,

I have suffered anxiety issues all my life, but only realised around 6 years ago when I had a major problem to an extent where the past, present and future effectivly merged which was very scarey. I recovered largly with medication, but i have always had a level of background anxiety.

I had a major relapse in September and decided that i wanted to have a more long term approach to my mental health so that once I am over this "blip" I reduce the chance of a major reoccurance.

That brought me to midnfulness (as well as Yoga, excercise and for now medication).

So I started on Headspace and I am currently 13 days into the discovery series. I am also undetaking a 1 - 1 course of mindfullness CBT with the NHS (apparently I have OCD which I never knew).

Now mindfullness is hard work, it is a long term work in progress. I thought, wrongly, it would be a quick win for a quiet mind. Thats not how it works lol.

Its about a long term re-working of the brain, you catch your thoughts gently refocus, and eventually that becomes easier and habit.

being mindfull throughout the day is really difficult, I spend a few minutes here and there practicing, but this is difficult the mind wonders, I catch it and focus it back onto what I'm doing.

I find in my daily meditation, my mind wonders a lot, and I was disapointed in this until only Monday this week when I relaised thats fine, as long as i notice and gently redirect my focus onto my breathing. Ironically, at the end of the meditation when the mind is left to run, it usually goes quiet.

My therapist has asked me to alter my notice a little so when I labell as thinking or feeling to congratulate myself for noticing. What he has said is that over time the mind won't then throw the negative obsessions the same way because I am changign my ascociation. Early days with this.

How does this compare with others experiance ? Am I being way out in my interpretation of how its supposed to work ?

Cheers

Simon

[FeeHutch]

Hi Simon
I think lots of us will recognise ourselves in your experience and what you've described. Plus your interpretation is going to be individual to you. I remember when I did my first 8 week course reading 'minds wonder, that's what they do' and it felt very freeing. I totally agree with your therapist, congratulate yourself for noticing when your mind wonders, that is mindfulness is action.

[piedwagtail91]

it sounds like you're doing really well.
mindfulness and ocd is difficult.
people can start a course thinking that their mind will empty and that mind wander is wrong,
you've recognised pretty quickly that it's not and that it's your awareness of that wander that develops.
it's right to congratulate yourself when you become aware of mind wander. maybe even allow yourself a tiny half smile having caught it wandering again as you guide your awareness back.
as you said ,that criticising or judging yourself for having mind wander will fade until acceptance comes in and you just notice and let go.
reading of your experience took me right back to my course a couple of years ago.

[Cheesus]

Sounds very similar to my story.

I'm not sure how your OCD manifests, but I used to suffer from intrusive thoughts. Through a lot of self-work I finally came to terms with my thoughts and over time I have come to really know, not just intellectually but at an emotional level, that thoughts are simply thoughts. They have no real meaning until we create a story for them. Sometimes I notice what used to be my trigger and the thought will return. These days it's just another thought and has no emotional charge or imaginary story to accompany it. It is simply a relic of a very tough time in my life.

[Simonjk]

Cheesus - that sounds very similar to me.

I have only recently been diagnosed with OCD, it was a bit of a shock. My family and friends just said we could have told you that.........

So I looked back and realized this had been a cycle my whole life, from around 11 to where I am now at 44. There are triggers which lead the OCD to lead to anxiety and intense fear.

I was lucky that the company I worked for has a scheme where I get 4 free counseling sessions (which fills a gap before the NHS kicks in) . This were focused on understanding the science and allowing me to be more compassionate on my self and understand the root causes (childhood, lack of emotional support as a child etc)

So as usual i got prescribed ADs and also beta blockers....

But I am determined to deal with this the way you've described, and I am making progress.

Also to look at the stress triggers that cause the OCD to trigger. I do understand now that the actual fears and rumination is a symptom, my mind just finds what it know I am most afraid of.

Its a journey.......

[JonW]

Hi Simon,
Fascinated to read your posts, so beautifully expressed.
I hope you stick around on the forum and continue to share your experiences.
"my mind just finds what it knows I am most afraid of."
That rings so true for me. Or used to.
'Tis indeed a journey. A wonderful journey as soon as those pesky attachments to thoughts begin to drop and clear sky opens up.
Good things, Jon

[breatheinbreatheout]

Hi Simon,

I also have OCD and have found mindfulness really useful (along with CBT/ERP) in helping me address it. Developing my mindfulness practice has been great in helping me gain some distance from my thoughts rather than dancing a waltz with them. It has allowed me to just watch my many intrusive thoughts which in turn takes out some of the anxiety from them.
I quite liked this blog post from OCDLA on mindfulness in the treatment of OCD and anxiety. http://www.ocdla.com/blog/mindfulness-ocd-anxiety-1920

Best of luck with it all

[Gareth]

Great blog, thanks for sharing it!

[larorra]

great blog and I think you're doing great and have understood the concept of mindfulness so stick at it and you will go far. There'll be days when you feel like your not making any progress or you will be annoyed at yourself (at least I was in the beginning) thought I was doing something wrong. But you learn to be kind to yourself and accept there will be good days and bad days. I used to avoid practicing when i was having a bad day or not feeling well, but I have gone past that now, and try to practice most days of the week. (weekends are tough as I have 5 small grandkids, one of which stays all weekend so weekends go in a whirl) but I make up for it and don't judge myself for missing a day. Wishing you well with your practice and keep us updated.