My Personal Life

[Gareth]

Mindfulness has changed my life completely and utterly.

I am exactly the same person of course; I still have the same political beliefs, and I still like the same foods and music, but there is no escaping that there have been several fundamental changes in me. I was inspired to write this topic after Jon spoke about materialism in another thread; this has been killed stone dead in me. There are a myriad of other changes too from less inclination to go sunbathing to losing the addiction to the news that I used to have. I seriously have very little stress or anxiety in my life any more. The more that I practise mindfulness, the more peaceful that I become. Why would I ever stop?

The problem is that this can make my personal life quite challenging at times. Virtually every single person that I know and love does not practise, and this often throws up situations that are very difficult for me. I regularly see people lost in a world of mindlessness that is doing them no good at all, and I want to scream: "there is another way," but I know that it's pointless, so I do nothing at all.

I want people to have some of the peace and serenity that I have; I believe that it is their birthright. I suppose that is the reason that I started this site: the only way that we can convey the power of this thing is to let ourselves be examples. It is the ultimate paradox of mindfulness that it is impossible to understand until you have been practising for a while.

[JonW]

Kabat-Zinn addresses this issue in one of his books, possibly Coming To Our Senses. His basic take on it is that we shouldn't set out to "convert" anyone to mindfulness, that it's far better to lead by example.
This forum is ideal in that anyone who comes to it will be curious about mindfulness in the first place, so their own initiative is to the fore, as it should be.
Friends of mine who have gone on courses have done so as a result of seeing the difference mindfulness has made to my life in eight short months. My own take on it is that there's a line in the sand and that line is, "This has been beneficial to me - it will also be beneficial to you." That might work with going to the gym but, for me, part of the mysterious power of mindfulness is that it comes to you in the first place - when you're good and ready. If someone is not in that place, at best they'll probably treat it as a kind of "self-help" programme, rather than a practice that one should honour in a wholly committed way.
On the one occasion I have said to someone, "Buy the Mark Williams book, it'll make a big difference to your life," that person (my sister) bought the book a few months ago and has yet to open it. Clearly she's not ready for it. In six months, a year...who knows?
I'm also preparing to make an exception with my youngest child William who is 24. I'm meeting up with him soon and I'm going to recommend that he gives meditation a go. I'll let you know how I get on with that!

[rara]

^Exactly^

Just how religion will try and convert...if someone doesn't want to, they won't!

The important thing is that you wanted to make improvements for yourself. Others that seek (i.e in this forum) will come to you for your wisdom, and you will fulfill your wishes by doing so

I know it's hard, but the way to really care about these people is by just being you. Lead by example and if they ever want to know your secret, you can tell them! If not, simply just be there for them. You have the power to make them feel better in any temporary situation.

We cannot change the world. And if we tried, we'd just be as bad as any other power-hungry politician...even if we are preaching peace and mindfulness!

[Cheesus]

I discussed this recently with my psychotherapist and mindfulness instructor.

The conclusion we came to is summed up very succinctly in a phrase that is often recalled on this forum: 'When the student is ready, the teacher will appear'.

Moreover, we also spoke about my feelings of responsibility for other's welfare. Often this leads me down a path of serious emotional turmoil and stress due to the obvious uncontrollability I have. We concluded that the best approach is to feel a responsibility towards those around us, rather than for. In the context of the above issue - as I too noted that I wished the entire world would just sit in contemplation of the breath for at least 15 minutes a day - this would manifest itself as, perhaps, presenting mindfulness to our close relatives and friends for their consideration, then simply provide a framework of lovingkindness around them in the hope that they might one day make the decision to practise.

As a part of these recent discussions with my therapist, I recently changed my attitudes towards my girlfriend and have finally stopped nagging her to do all the things I can see would make her a healthier and happier person. Interestingly, now that I have stopped nagging her, she asked me last night if I could find a good guided mindfulness meditation for her. What a result!

[rara]

As a part of these recent discussions with my therapist, I recently changed my attitudes towards my girlfriend and have finally stopped nagging her to do all the things I can see would make her a healthier and happier person. Interestingly, now that I have stopped nagging her, she asked me last night if I could find a good guided mindfulness meditation for her. What a result!

Hehe, this is what we call "Wu Wei" (Doing without doing)

I like this. It's like looking on the flip side. What if somebody was trying to get you into something that you have no interest in. THEY think or even know it's what's best for you...but you decide not, despite not even having tried.

More often than not, we hate the idea of doing something, rather than the actual doing.

That's why people won't practice meditation. Sometimes I bring it up when I meet someone stressed or very busy and always the reply is: "I don't have time to meditate". I know they do, they are just not choosing to make time to meditate. If that's their choice, that's their choice. Why waste any more energy?

[Cheesus]

I hate when people say they don't have time to meditate I always just think "what you are constantly occupied by essential tasks from the moment of waking until sleep?" I know I don't have the responsibilities of kids etc., but I just think surely you can find 15 minutes while you dinner is in the oven or just before bed.

It is rarely a considered choice, but you're right: if someone doesn't want to practice they won't practice. It is a shame.

Have you guys ever heard of the '100th monkey'? The story goes that there was some kind of pollutant contaminating an island of monkeys. Scientists set about systematically teaching the local population (of monkeys, that is) to take their fruit to the stream to wash it. When they finally got around to teaching the 100th monkey to wash their fruit, all the monkeys on the island started doing it.

I like to think that if enough people take something up, so everyone else will start doing it too perhaps a little idealistic in such a diverse world but a nice idea none the less.

[rara]

Have you guys ever heard of the '100th monkey'? The story goes that there was some kind of pollutant contaminating an island of monkeys. Scientists set about systematically teaching the local population (of monkeys, that is) to take their fruit to the stream to wash it. When they finally got around to teaching the 100th monkey to wash their fruit, all the monkeys on the island started doing it.

I like to think that if enough people take something up, so everyone else will start doing it too perhaps a little idealistic in such a diverse world but a nice idea none the less.

Just goes to show how we haven't really evolved as humans quite as much as we think.

Yes, the sheep mentality. In fact, I read the other day that Russel Brand is now teaching Tantric meditation. I wonder how many "hip" people are now on the bandwagon thanks to this dude. Not that I'd be complaining of course.

[JonW]

I wasn't aware that Brand had started teaching but I knew he was practicing TM. He seems pretty sincere about it.

[BioSattva]

the only way that we can convey the power of this thing is to let ourselves be examples

Yes - "be the change" - it's the only way. This is good motivation for deeper practice - exploring how to connect with others is also exploring oneself.

A couple of months ago a colleague said to me: "You never seem to get angry, why not?" - and in my head I was like ("If you say the right thing right now you could maybe make a big difference in this guys' life"). I can't remember what I said actually - he is a hardcore Christian so I didn't want to say anything that could have sounded like it was 'against' his religion.

Last week a bloke in my office was reading some news online and said cynically, "The Dalai Lama's quote of the day is 'When the water is still, it reflects the moon perfectly' -pffft!"... and I surprised myself by saying something like, "Well, from inside his Buddhist practice, that means that when the sympathetic nervous system isn't engaged and causing cognitive distortions - emotional thinking, basically - then one can see reality more rationally". He is an intellectual type, so I could see he had been intrigued and went quiet afterwards.

I think bit by bit, if one immerses oneself in one's practise, then spontaneity and just a general 'ambiance' will do the necessary work. I look to my own social shortcomings and limitations and how to overcome them - how to help and inspire people from a very normal, human, and everyday angle. People aren't stupid - they know there are plenty of hippy, new age nutters walking around out there, and they're going to have to see some pretty impressive evidence - physical, living, breathing, right here, right now, tangible human evidence in order to even consider sitting down and willingly facing boredom - especially when there are things like smartphones available.

Sometimes I must admit I can't help myself however, and I just boldy state "Have you heard of mindfulness?" - why not? People do the same regarding yoga if their friend complains about stiff joints, etc. I do tend to regret it pretty soon afterwards though

I think with friends and loved ones, where there are established, deep emotional relationships, then mindful charity is the key - show them you can walk side by side in their hell with them and empathise while remaining steadfast - they will be deeply impressed by your resilience. I think if one cannot do this, then one's practice needs to deepen further - this is normally the answer on mindfulness issues, isn't it? - practice, practice, practice, and then some more.