Specific problem with Unrequited Love

[MisterT]

I'm very early on in my mindfulness practice and just wanted to run something past the more experienced practitioners.

I unfortunately fell in love with one of my friends. We spoke about it and unfortunately we will be remaining 'just friends'. I think most of us have been here at some point or other but i wondered what the mindful perspective on this experience is?

I'm still friends with this woman and see her a lot both in person and on Facebook/text etc. My first reaction was to minimise contact to give me time to get over her - but surely this is experiential avoidance? If I maintain usual levels of contact with her than surely these feelings aren`t going to subside? From a beginners perspective it seems like a catch-22?

I can't be the first person to experience this - any advice would be gratefully received?

[JonW]

Hi Mr. T,
This is only my opinion. I don't claim to be an expert either in mindfulness or in relationships.
I was talking about this very subject the other day with a friend. We both know people who had broken off friendships with others because they realised they were in a similar situation to you.
It's not an easy situation and I doubt there are any hard or fast rules in how to deal with it. In my opinion, and it's only my opinion, the relationship might not have turned out the way you wanted it to but that doesn't mean you can't enjoy a loving, supportive friendship with this person. As Jon Kabat-Zinn is fond of saying, mindfulness is about accepting "what is". In this case, accepting "what is" would be to accept that you cannot be more than friends with this person and to rise to the challenge of being the best friend you can possibly be to that person.
Feelings might be a little raw for you at the moment so maybe pace yourself, and check in regularly with yourself to see how you're feeling about the situation. A regular "loving kindness" meditation might do you the world of good. There are plenty of free guided meditations of that type available online.
I wish you all the best, Jon

[Gareth]

Hi MisterT,

This is an interesting one - not the usual type of question that appears on here. My inexpert opinion is that there are two aspects of mindfulness that come into play here.

The first, as Jon points out, is acceptance. Try not to tell yourself stories of how things could have been or should have been. Things are as they are and you neet to meet them will full acceptance to be best for your mental health.

The second thing is grief. There are undoubtedly feelings of grief kicking around at what might have been. These feelings of grief need to be met head on and not buried or pushed to one side. So acceptance again really.

Hope this helps.

[MisterT]

Thanks for your perspectives guys. I guess it really is about acceptance. It would be a lot easier to stay away from her and try to put it out of my mind - but thats just avoidance.

I guess I was really looking for a way to avoid facing it - which is the exact opposite of what I should be doing.

Actually, now I think about it, I dont recall anyone ever saying mindfulness is easy.......lol

Thanks again

[JonW]

It gets easier, Mr. T, assuredly.
Then there's always a dilemma rearing its head from time to time. I find that mindfulness practice prepares me well for life's little shocks. These days I find I respond to challenges with a greater equanimity, rather than the anxious panic of old.
Have a great weekend.
Cheers, Jon

[FeeHutch]

Hi MisterT
Gareth and Jon have both beaten me to it, I think they both explain it really well. You are right too, mindfulness is beautifully simple but simple and easy are not the same thing. If it was easy to be fully present all the time the whole planet would be mindful

I think there is a complex combination of feelings and experiences going on in this situation. So acceptance of what won't be, being mindful of not disappearing into fantasies of what might have been, while also being compassionate to yourself and allowing yourself to accept the grief you experience too.

The main thing that stands out in your post for me is that although you feel very much at the start of your mindful practice, you are already trying to deal with this situation in a mindful way.

[rara]

From a beginners perspective it seems like a catch-22?

From a non-beginners perspective this doesn't change.

You've listed all your options and made your mind up yourself hehe. Whatever you do is the right answer!

[BioSattva]

Hi MisterT,

I am reading a really great book at the moment by the Vietnamese Zen teacher Thich Nhat Hanh: Fidelity: How to Create a Loving Relationship That Lasts (2011). I think it's more for people already in relationships, but it frames the mindful approach to partners and sensual love quite nicely (for me, anyway).

Another pretty good author is the American Zen teacher Charlotte Joko Beck (Everyday Zen (1997)).

Due to the whole 'love is blind' thing, I think we can approach potential relationships in a way which appears very different to others from the outside. Joko Beck warns against making one's partner one's 'True Master' - one's mindful self (under construction for most of us) should be one's master, and Thich Nhat Hanh speaks a lot about how we crave the comfort we once felt within our mother's body and embrace and use a romantic partner as a kind of stand-in. There are other potential pitfalls in how we frame our romantic partners, so maybe these things are worth looking into...?

[JonW]

I'll second Bio on CJ Beck and throw Toni Packer into the ring also. Both write very wisely about relationships.