My Journey to Mindfulness

[Gareth]

This is a blog that I wrote in 2012. It describes my journey to mindfulness, although I have come a long way since I wrote this

In 2006, all of a sudden, the vision went blurry in my left eye, and the left side of my face began to feel numb. It was all very odd for an otherwise healthy individual. They diagnosed me with conjunctivitis first, then a host of other things before they got to the real problem. I was eventually sent for an MRI scan, and that's when I was hit by the train.

'You might have got MS,' they said, 'but you might not. Go away, live your life and hope that you haven't.' It was like the bottom falling out of my world. I was 28 years old, and suddenly I couldn't be sure about anything any more. My mum had been a district nurse, and I remembered the stories of all her patients with MS - people who were seriously ill. I was regularly in floods of tears, this is the lowest point that I can remember in my life.

Aside from a couple of minor things, the next three years were symptom-free, and I started to believe that the problems with my optic nerve had perhaps just been a one-off after all. However, in 2009, MS came back with a vengeance. My bladder started to behave very strangely, and when I mentioned my previous neurological problem to the urologist, he referred me straight back to the neurologist, with a knowing look that told me everything.

At that time, I was frantically reading everything I could about MS. One such book was by an Australian professor who advocated giving yourself the best possible chance of remaining healthy with MS, through a series of dietary and lifestyle changes. I was convinced that I could 'beat' MS, so I adopted the professor's changes wholesale. One of the recommendations that he proposed was to meditate on a regular basis in order to reduce stress - something demonstrably bad for someone with MS. I was very sceptical, but I thought I'd give it a go, having nothing to lose.

Meditating is really difficult at first. Sitting there, doing nothing, thinking nothing is nigh on impossible when you aren't used to it. However, it's not an unpleasant experience, so I kept up with it, albeit in a fairly ad-hoc manner. The professor had a website for people who were following the program, and forums for people to chat and exchange ideas. I got talking to one guy on the website who recommended a book called 'Wherever You Go, There You Are' by Jon Kabat-Zinn to help with the meditation practice.

I got the book, and that is pretty much when things started falling into place for me. I had been meditating for about nine months at this stage. I couldn't put my finger on why, but I was definitely beginning to feel happier and more peaceful. The book was about meditation, but it was also about much more than that. Kabat-Zinn talks continuously about the concept of mindfulness, with meditation being only a tool in the ultimate quest for mindfulness. The more that I read about this concept of mindfulness, the more it drew me in. To me, it seems impossible to find any fault with the concept. I can't think of anyone who wouldn't benefit from more mindfulness in their life.

What is mindfulness? Well it's painfully simple actually. It's all about learning to live in the present moment as much as possible and appreciating the present moment for what it is. For example, if you are in the park having a picnic with your family then that is exactly where you should be. Smelling the smells, feeling the sun on your face, talking to those you love. Not in next week's meeting that you feel unprepared for. Don't mistake the simplicity of mindfulness for straightforwardness, because mindfulness is something that takes constant nurturing. You see, the thoughts come thick and fast, trying to take you to the past, or to worry about the future. There is nothing you can do to stop them; mindfulness is about acknowledging them, not always believing them and allowing them to go from whence they came. Just try sitting and watching them for a while, you'll see how many there really are.

Mindfulness doesn't preclude you from planning. Planning is an essential part of being human; it probably got the species where we are today. But once you've planned, you've planned; leave it there. Neither does mindfulness stop you from thinking about good times in the past and smiling. But the past is the past, and the place that you are right now, the most important place is here.

Mindfulness is pretty powerful for someone living with a chronic illness such as myself. My body fails me on a daily basis, yet perversely, I don't think that I have ever been happier. Let's take this example: MS causes me to stumble regularly. When this happens, my brain might suddenly chime in with a thought such as: 'You are definitely getting worse, give it a year and you are not going to be able to walk.' How can my brain know that? It doesn't know that; it turns out that your brain tells you lies like this on a regular basis. If a thought such as this occurs, these days, I am much better equipped to let it go and come to the present moment, where I might have been interrupted in something enjoyable by this intrusive thought. Ironically, it was the meditation which made me leave behind the professor's other recommendations. My meditations were filled with thoughts telling me to eat what I want to eat (within reason). And that happiness is most important.

I now meditate every day without fail; this is what's called the 'formal' practice. It's nothing fancy, I sit there quietly for half an hour or so and do my best to remain in the present moment. When I get lost in thought, then I come back. Over and over. This formal practice filters through to the rest of your life and you find yourself being mindful in all sorts of other situations. You can even be mindful while you are washing the dishes or doing the ironing (the 'informal' practice). The practice is super-portable and super-flexible. It's now as much a part of my life as sleeping or eating.

MS is a very difficult illness to come to terms with, and every day presents a new challenge. Mindfulness has been a powerful tool for me in learning to live with the disease, and I want to share my experiences, maybe it can help someone as much as it has helped me. This sounds very cheesy, but it's like I've found a bottomless pool of peace and happiness that I'm free to swim in at any time. The funny thing is, that pool was there all along.

[purplewheels]

Gareth Thank you so much for sharing this. I began a meditation practice after reading some books by Thich Nhat Hanh. I have chronic illness too and I was finding the pain hard to cope with. In addition I was encouraged to meditate as a way of being present for my clients and to protect myself from burnout (I am a counsellor/psychotherapist). I practised it on a daily basis for several months and had begun to experience some subtle but nonetheless amazing for me.

One morning we left the house to go to the shops and I said to my friend 'Where do you think all these birds came from?' The answer dawned upon me; the birds had always been there but I had never seen them or heard them singing - that was a profound experience.

However, suddenly I stopped meditating, I have no idea why and have been trying to get one established for a long time now. I have no idea why I stopped and no idea why I seen unable to get another one started. I am starting with today

[Gareth]

Good for you.

I am interested to know what effect stopping had on you; I wouldn't ever dare to stop because the benefits have been so huge for me.

Do you want to write your story in a blog that I will publish on the site?

[MindfulnessMan]

Good to hear your story, I now feel that I know you better Gareth.
I'm really sorry to hear about your illness.
I myself have an illness that doesn't really affect the quality of my life much but it is a future danger hanging over me.
When I had my diagosis my practise went from very casual to about that of a monk.
In this way it has been a blessing although when I first found out I was probably overdoing it a bit.
I hope your journey brings you to a place of ever increasing happiness irrespective of your health.
I send you metta.
Chris