Impacts of starting regular meditation

[Vixine]

So as I've mentioned in other posts I've just come back to minfulness after a long time of not meditating. I am starting light, with about 10 minutes of meditation a day and 15 minutes of yoga a day. This has been going for about 3 weeks and I've been feeling good about my commitment but trying not to strive too much, just making sure to sit each day and see where it leads.

And then, on Saturday morning I woke up pretty depressed. It only lasted for half a day and then I was back to normal, but it was pretty profound. I cried all morning, feeling very dissatisfied with my life and my marriage and my career, questioning all of the choices I've made in my life and feeling completely empty lost on what I want and even who I am.

Though I'm feeling better, this experience has stuck with me since then. Today I did an 8-minute guided meditation and afterwards I felt some similar sadness and emptiness, but much less intense. I can't help but think that it may be because of the regular meditation, that I am getting in touch with some things I've been ignoring and it's just a bit of a shock to start becoming more aware of these feelings? It's funny because I just said something to that effect here on the forum, in response to another person's post (that sometimes with meditation as with therapy it may get worse before it gets better) but then it hit me personally, days later, with quite a punch.

I guess I'm rambling a little, but I wonder if anyone knows the type of exprience I'm talking about, or had something similar when you began meditating regularly?

[Vixine]

I just went down and read further responses on that related post, from Bixente, from the other day. I see that a couple of you already addressed my question there - that it can be normal/common for this kind of thing to happen. I think i know that, intellectually, but then when it happens to ME it feels very confusing and distressing!

[Mindfulbeginner]

I find myself beginning again every few months, and yes... Yongey Mingyur Rimpoche says "a broken heart is an open heart"... Once you slow down with meditation, you become aware of what you've been running away from. And that allows you to notice where your heart hurts... Then you become open to healing and compassion. I think it's a normal process... Blessings to you and may you find peace!

[BioSattva]

I watched a talk from JKZ last night where he mentioned people arrived at the stress clinic only to find the MBSR practice they were being taught was stressful to practice, and therefore apparently ineffective. It's just like MindfulBeginner says - a broken heart is an open heart. Sometimes life forces us 'open', or otherwise we can do surgery on ourselves pre-emptively.

Unfolding what has been kept crumpled up inside us is painful until we get a taste of how that unfolding is healthy. Right now I am training a standing chinese yoga posture which is excrutiatingly painful at times. If someone forced me to do it without me knowing what it was I am very sure it would severely depress me. Having seen how other postures have opened up my body and given me new freedom and strength, I see the pain as representing an opening up of my freedoms and strengths in general, and therefore I can embrace it with a certain kind of joy. I could very easily just go and sit down somewhere and be free of it, but it's actually the presence of the pain which is delivering joy to me these days - so I want and need to feel the pain to know my life is changing. Just as easily you could take pain killers or antidepressants and the pain would go away, but what would that actually achieve for you in the long-term? Not a lot. The pains of life are opportunities to practice acceptance. If the pain isn't there (in 'healthy' amounts), then I tend to get a little nervous - I wonder whether I may be lapsing into old habits of running away or numbing myself. I have come to relish encountering the pains of life to some degree.

In yoga this kind of attitude can get addictive, and similarly for mindfulness. Tomorrow I know I have a long journey on Chinese subways with a large suitcase - I'm kind of anxious about it, but I'm also looking forward to the challenge of remaining accepting and calm; working with the tension stressors around me like relaxing into a stretch. If I'm not so successful - no big deal, I'll reinvesitigate my relationship to the triggers of my stress, and will very likely focus harder during my formal practices afterwards.

The absence of pain from one's life is probably an indicator that things are going wrong. If one didn't feel the pain of hunger, the pain of a hot flame, of loved ones passing away, of giving birth, of seeing someone else suffer, then who would one be, and how long would one survive?

Keep going with the daily accepting - the seeds of joy are guaranteed to sprout and blossom.

[JonW]

Brilliantly put, BioSattva.
Accepting that our lives are going to involve feeling pain is a big step forward. It's when we start pretending it's not there or that it can be completely avoided that the real problems begin.
It also helps to be mindful and choosing to stop making choices that promote turmoil in our lives. eg. Choosing the same kind of boyfriend/girlfriend over and over again, then wondering why those relationships end so painfully.
It's interesting to me that the subject of relationships is generally glossed over in books about mindfulness as it's the one area where, glaringly, we all need to be more mindful. Not least because making a relationship work is one of the toughest challenges in life.

[BioSattva]

It's interesting to me that the subject of relationships is generally glossed over in books about mindfulness as it's the one area where, glaringly, we all need to be more mindful. Not least because making a relationship work is one of the toughest challenges in life.

This is no doubt best saved for another completely separate thread, but working within relationships tends to be bypassed in all zen literature also - generally. There are various quotes that hint at this and that, but no clear-cut guidelines. I have my own experiences and angle on mindfulness in relationships, but I feel it isn't particularly complete or well-founded. I just feel lucky that my partner meditates at all... I don't think I would ever settle down with anyone who doesn't do mindfulness, for example. It's all about growth and change.

[JonW]

"I don't think I would ever settle down with anyone who doesn't do mindfulness, for example."

I sometimes wonder what it would be like to be in a mutually mindful relationship. But I'm happily retired from all that now so it's all academic.

[Vixine]

Thanks for the feedback guys. Your answers spoke what I knew in my heart but was questioning with my mind.

Life is so amazing sometimes, on my way home yesterday after writing the original post, I decided to listen to an Audio Dharma podcast I had downloaded. I usually listen to Gil Fronsdal but I decided to try someone new. The talk was titled Working with Judgment by Vinny Ferraro and it was so amazingly relevant for me at this moment in my life, I can't even believe it. He shared several quote about how when we first being being truly mindful, we find all of these dark ugly spaces inside of us we were ignoring before. And that that is good, and that is exactly where we need to be. He said "first, you have to wake up in prison". It was amazing that this talk addressed exactly what I needed at just the right moment.

If anyone is interested, it is a really good talk about the practice - here is the link or it's also on iTunes as a free podcast download
http://www.audiodharma.org/teacher/52/

[JonW]

Thanks Vixine. I'll check that out.
Gil Fronsdal is fab. I'd also highly recommend Andrea Fella's guided meditations. Available for free via the following link...
http://www.audiodharma.org/teacher/2/

[Vixine]

I will check those out too. There is an amazing amount of content on that Audio Dharma site.