Something really strange happend during my second meditation

[Annonnym]

Hello,
Im 17 years old and got heavy depressions at the age of 8. Last summer I planned on killing myself but ate the wrong plant lol. I wanted to eat thimble to poisen myself and evantually die. We have a plant in our garden that looks very similar to thimble but is not thimble (gladly, othwhise I would probably be dead by now).
I stopped going to school a few months ago and was too depressed and down to try to kill myself again - kinda paradox. Sorry for crying out here but thats part of my experience happening during my meditation. I'll make it short: I went to the doctor and he diagnosed a severe lag of multiple vitamins and other essentials (which probably lead to my depression, anxiety disorder and physical health issues).
So I took vitamin supplements for the last 2 months and im feeling much much better. Im still anxious but the depression is pretty much gone - after 9 years and more than the half of my life. Sounds too good to be true actually.

Yesterday I thought I should start meditating to treat my anxiety since it hasnt been caused by the lack of vitamin apperantly or only partly.
I've meditated for half an hour yesterday and half an hour today. It was all fine until I turned on the music afterwards today. Its hard to describe but it fealt as if I waked up from a deep dream I was in. I started laughing and fealt pure satisfaction, peace and freedom. After almost an hour I'm still sitting here with tears in my eyes.
I wonder if it is normal to feel this. It was a feeling I have never fealt before - not even close. I feel like everything is gonna be ok and I dont have to worry about things. While meditating everything was normal. I fealt a bit less anxious but nothing like this (only afterwards).
I wonder if this is normal and if I can expect this feeling again because I really, really want to. Ive meditated not (even close) long enough to have changed my brain in such a drastic way, so I think it will be gone soon. But maybe someone could tell me how to reach this high/feeling again without getting frustrated or disappointed.
Thank you reading threw all this mess.

Btw the anxiety starts to come back. But im still very satisfied.

[JonW]

Hi Annonnym,
Welcome to the forum.
Sorry to hear that you have been having such a tough time of it.
It is perfectly normal to experience bliss during and after meditation. But it's important not to get attached to these experiences and meditate in order to recapture those experiences.
That is not how meditation works.
We don't meditate to achieve any particular state. We meditate in order to be with whatever experience is arising - good, bad or indifferent.
Given your recent health issues, I would highly recommend that you talk to your GP about meditation - it is not advisable to begin a meditation practice if you are feeling particularly fragile. I'd also recommend that you look into the possibility of finding a mindfulness teacher in your local area. A structured approach is always best, ideally via a fully-supported 8-week mindfulness course.
Most importantly, be kind and patient towards yourself.
Let us know how you get along.
Best wishes,
Jon

[Peter]

I totally agree with Jon's advice!

You write: "I can expect this feeling again because I really, really want to."
and..
"someone could tell me how to reach this high/feeling again without getting frustrated or disappointed."

This indicates great attachment. Which is bound to lead to disappointment. And as Jon indicated, we want to be with whatever there is. That's what it is about.

By the way, often investigating bad feelings with some distance can be more helpful than feelings of bliss. Because we feel a natural aversion of bad feelings. We normally want to get away from them.

These feelings of bliss are indeed very common. I believe that it is caused by the fact that one isn't used to be in touch with one's body and senses this way. Most people are used to living in their minds.

[Annonnym]

Thank You for your advice!
Sorry that I haven't been active in this thread for quite some time. I havent found this website or the email sent by this site so I couldn't get back to this thread. I just cleaned my spam-mails and found the auto mail for registration by this mindfulness so I'm finally back.

@JonW You write: "I'd also recommend that you look into the possibility of finding a mindfulness teacher in your local area"
Are there good resources/teachers online? I'm working 9AM to 6PM as a software developer (to get my A-Levels equivalent in Germany, long story) and started playing the piano one hour a day so there isn't much time left. I would prefer watching/reading tutorials or books. Maybe you can recommend me something? You would help me alot!

@JonW @Peter You both said it's not about bliss but about accepting the sensations you are feeling in that moments and being with them. I have stopped meditating for a few weeks and started again a few days ago. Every time I'm meditating I'm feeling this deep inner peace after around 7 to 10 minutes of meditating. And after/while feeling this my thoughts start to drift away and its really hard to focus. How can I get my thoughts back to the here and now and stop thinking about the great feelings I'm having or what I could do? Or is it fine to think about this things for a few seconds to get back then.

Another question is: how can I meditate while walking to work (It's only 30 mins away so I'm walking). Its so hard to focus while walking. What should I focus on? How should I meditate (if at all).

Should I meditate with music? It does not distract me it just seems to enforce whatever sensation I'm feeling at the moment. Im not sure if its making it harder or worse for me (Im just shuffeling meditation playlists on Spotify).

How long should I meditate and how often? Currently I'm meditating 10 minutes in the morning and 15 before going to bed.

One last question: what is meditation? I have understood as being aware of the sensations you are feeling in the moment while not letting them affect you. As far as I have understood it: Meditation is the art of disconnecting yourself from your thoughts, sensations and sorrows.

It would appreciate if you could answer a few questions I asked. Thank you for your time!

[JonW]

Hi Annonnym,
I've PM'd you.
All best,
Jon

[Peter]

Hi,

Q: "How can I get my thoughts back to the here and now and stop thinking about the great feelings I'm having or what I could do? Or is it fine to think about this things for a few seconds to get back then."

A: Thoughts arise, there's nothing we can do to stop that. Don't try to. And we don't get our thoughts to the here and now, but we bring our attention to the here and now. We do that by focusing on something like our breathing. Since our breathing is happening here and now, we become present.

Q: "how can I meditate while walking to work"

A: Just try to be present. Try to be aware of what is happening moment to moment. There are endless possibilities, and they are all fine. You can be aware of your feet touching the ground, the movement and balance in your body, your breathing, the wind in your face, the birds chirping, the smell of freshly cut grass etc

Q: "Should I meditate with music?"

A: Don't meditate WITH music, meditate TO music. Focus on the music. Try to hear every nuance, and notice your reaction to it.

Q: "How long should I meditate and how often?"

A: Try to meditate every day. If you skip a day, don't judge yourself for it. Generally speaking, the longer you meditate the better. But don't force it. Keep it mostly enjoyable (length wise) if you can. Note: It's more important to have a daily routine, than it is to have a long routine.

Q: "what is meditation?

A: This is a matter of definition I suppose. Wikipedia's definition is fine by me: " Meditation is a practice where an individual uses a technique – such as mindfulness, or focusing their mind on a particular object, thought or activity – to train attention and awareness, and achieve a mentally clear and emotionally calm and stable state."

[Eric A.]

LOL just roll with it! May you have smooth sailing from here on out!