Mindfulness of emotions in everyday life

[Keith]

Hello everyone, this is a fascinating forum. I am still a novice, having read the classics like Jon Kabat-Zinn's works, The Miracle Of Mindfulness and a few other core 'texts' of mindfulness.

I am still confused about how to be mindful of emotions in everyday life. How do we 'feel' them? What about if there is a lingering emotion, like sadness, anxiety, happiness, what do we do then (particularly if otherwise occupied like at work)? When do we know when an emotion is reflecting reality and giving us a message that we should act on if we should?

The error might be mine but I feel that the books lead us only halfway up the hill on this. They may mention how to be mindful of emotion in practice (though Kabat-Zinn really doesn't) but are less helpful when it comes to the questions above.

Can anyone throw some light on this from their own experience, please?

[JonW]

Hi Keith,
Welcome to the forum.
As our practice deepens, we see that we have a choice as to whether to act on emotions and thoughts or whether to simply observe them and allow them to pass.
From one perspective, mindfulness is all about space or, more specifically, it is about realising the space around things. The space around thoughts. The space around feelings. The space around situations.
No longer at the mercy of our own reactions we can appreciate that it is possible to find a natural space in the moment, a space which allows us to respond calmly and wisely.
This space opens up to us as we sharpen our attentional skills.
Elisha Goldstein puts it this way: ‘In essence, the practice is to notice when the judging is happening so we can recognise the space in between what we’re judging (the stimulus) and the judging itself (the reaction) and choose to make a change. The power to choose our responses comes with an awareness of that space.’
How are you going about learning mindfulness, by the way? What does your daily practice involve (sitting, body scans, mindful movement, walking meditation...)? Have any of the books taken you through an 8-week course? Grounding yourself in the practice is key and it can be difficult for some to get that grounding without a structured approach to practice.
All best,
Jon

[Peter]

Hi Keith,

I really like what Jon said.

Additionally:

(the numbers in front of my answers correspond with the numbers of your questions)

1) I am still confused about how to be mindful of emotions in everyday life. How do we 'feel' them?
2) What about if there is a lingering emotion, like sadness, anxiety, happiness, what do we do then (particularly if otherwise occupied like at work)?
3) When do we know when an emotion is reflecting reality and giving us a message that we should act on if we should?
4) The error might be mine but I feel that the books lead us only halfway up the hill on this. They may mention how to be mindful of emotion in practice (though Kabat-Zinn really doesn't) but are less helpful when it comes to the questions above.

1) We train our subconscious to 'snap' out of our thoughts, so we can be present. This ability is mainly practiced and maintained by formal (dedicated) meditation, daily. Which translates into our daily activities.

2) We notice our bodily sensations, thoughts etc, and just be with them, non-judgmentally.

3) Most of the time it's pretty clear whether an emotion is caused by something real. The main thing is that the emotions are real, so we just let them be, and stay with them.

4) The books lead us only halfway, because they are just full of concepts. It is an experience based practice. One cannot become mindful by reading books. The most important thing is the daily formal practice.

Good luck
Peter

[JonW]

I couldn't agree more with Peter's comments.
I'd also like to add that an important part of mindfulness practice is the realisation that thoughts, emotions and body sensations are, like everything else in the universe, always changing. So, with practice, we remember that thoughts, emotions and body sensations are fleeting. 'This too will pass.'
So either we act on that which arises in our experience (a useful thought such as 'If I'm to make the meeting on time, I need to get the 2.30 train'; an emotion such as fear which tells us to remove ourselves from a situation; or a recurring pain that tells us we ought to visit our GP to get it checked out) or we choose to notice what is occurring and let it pass - a needless worry, a moment of sadness, an itch in our ankle...
When grounded in the practice and with sustained application, these responses tend to become second nature. At least in my experience.
Also, it's useful to bear in mind that mindfulness is as much about body awareness as awareness of thoughts. That's why, in my opinion, the body scan is a hugely important part of practice.
All good things,

[Keith]

Hi Keith,
Welcome to the forum.
As our practice deepens, we see that we have a choice as to whether to act on emotions and thoughts or whether to simply observe them and allow them to pass.
From one perspective, mindfulness is all about space or, more specifically, it is about realising the space around things. The space around thoughts. The space around feelings. The space around situations.
No longer at the mercy of our own reactions we can appreciate that it is possible to find a natural space in the moment, a space which allows us to respond calmly and wisely.
This space opens up to us as we sharpen our attentional skills.
Elisha Goldstein puts it this way: ‘In essence, the practice is to notice when the judging is happening so we can recognise the space in between what we’re judging (the stimulus) and the judging itself (the reaction) and choose to make a change. The power to choose our responses comes with an awareness of that space.’
How are you going about learning mindfulness, by the way? What does your daily practice involve (sitting, body scans, mindful movement, walking meditation...)? Have any of the books taken you through an 8-week course? Grounding yourself in the practice is key and it can be difficult for some to get that grounding without a structured approach to practice.
All best,
Jon

Hello Jon, thanks for this considered reply, appreciate you taking the time to help me.

But this is it - how do we know WHEN to act on an emotion or to observe and let go?

I do like that quote from Goldstein, that is a nice summary of what it is we're trying to achieve. That also simplifies a bit of my confusion about non-judgement as an attitude to bring to mindfulness.

Again I might be wrong here but might non-judgement alternatively be stated as 'awareness of the judging we slip into (both consciously doing so - choosing to judge situations - and automatically/unconsciously) and assessing the accuracy of the judgment'?

As for my practice I have read most of Full Catastrophe Living. I have been progressing through that very slowly since the beginning of the year. I have pretty-much finished The Miracle Of Mindfulness. But I would say that most learning has come from Googling things in Full Catastrophe Living which I struggled with. I'll be honest, I struggled with the book. I am used to reading long (often boring) tracts by education but even so...Wow.

Next I will probably 'do' (or not do!) Mindfulness In Plain English because it seems to be about fine-tuning the practice.

As for the practice I do, I do 30 mins of watching the breath and awareness of body sensations and sounds - all together.

I did experiment with each of these on their own but I felt that my practice was leading me 'into' myself rather than into an openness outwards, if that makes sense?

I don't follow the Full Catastrophe Living programme because I am not too keen on yoga, though I might introduce it later on.

Other books on my shelf are Radical Acceptance by Tara Brach and True Refuge by the same author.

My 'issues' are generalised anxiety disorder and OCD (the 'pure O' form, which is a misnomer). Not sure that Radical Acceptance is good for that though it looks like it could be very good for people with self-esteem issues.

[Keith]

Hi Keith,

I really like what Jon said.

Additionally:

(the numbers in front of my answers correspond with the numbers of your questions)

1) I am still confused about how to be mindful of emotions in everyday life. How do we 'feel' them?
2) What about if there is a lingering emotion, like sadness, anxiety, happiness, what do we do then (particularly if otherwise occupied like at work)?
3) When do we know when an emotion is reflecting reality and giving us a message that we should act on if we should?
4) The error might be mine but I feel that the books lead us only halfway up the hill on this. They may mention how to be mindful of emotion in practice (though Kabat-Zinn really doesn't) but are less helpful when it comes to the questions above.

1) We train our subconscious to 'snap' out of our thoughts, so we can be present. This ability is mainly practiced and maintained by formal (dedicated) meditation, daily. Which translates into our daily activities.

2) We notice our bodily sensations, thoughts etc, and just be with them, non-judgmentally.

3) Most of the time it's pretty clear whether an emotion is caused by something real. The main thing is that the emotions are real, so we just let them be, and stay with them.

4) The books lead us only halfway, because they are just full of concepts. It is an experience based practice. One cannot become mindful by reading books. The most important thing is the daily formal practice.

Good luck
Peter

Thanks, Peter for your help here, too. I particularly like your answer to number 4 here, that is something I lose track of.

How I think I'll approach it is like this: I'll work with attention on the work task I'm doing, my breath and body. When an emotion occurs I'll be aware of the thoughts and the energy that is the emotion. I'll then focus on my work task and the bodily sensation of the emotion until the emotion passes. Then, back to task, breath nd body.

Thanks again for your help, both of you!

[JonW]

'How do we know WHEN to act on an emotion or to observe and let go?'

We use our discernment. If we feel fear in the moment, then we take ourself out of the situation so that we feel safe. If we feel sadness, we recognise that the emotion is there and allow it to be, without constructing a narrative around it. We are not pushing the emotion or the thoughts away. We are recognising that, like everything in life, they are fleeting events.

Consider this quote:

'(There’s a) middle way between deepening our connection to the present moment and letting go of what’s here. We need this line to remind us that when we are comfortable it’s good to stay in the moment without holding on to the feeling, and when we are uncomfortable we should not separate from the body. Moments of discomfort are precisely when the mind will want to take us away – into some idea of how things should be, how we can make them the way we want, or why things are all wrong. We find peace not by going away from our suffering but by completely offering ourselves to what is.'
(Ben Connelly: Inside The Grass Hut)

And this quote:

'To let go means to give up coercing, resisting, or struggling, in exchange for something more powerful and wholesome which comes out of allowing things to be as they are without getting caught up in your attraction to or rejection of them, in the intrinsic stickiness of wanting, of liking and disliking. It's akin to letting your palm open to unhand something you have been holding on to.'
(Jon Kabat-Zinn)

Full Catastrophe Living is something of an advanced book. I wouldn't recommend it to somebody who was beginning to ground himself in the practice. The beginner's books I'd recommend are Finding Peace In A Frantic World by Mark Williams and Danny Penman, and Kabat-Zinn's Wherever You Go, There You Are.

Again, I'd highly recommend that you follow some kind of programme that includes mindful movement and/or body scans. Mindfulness is not easy to ground yourself in without some kind of structure. And it's particularly difficult to ground yourself in if you are not practicing some kind of body awareness.

All best,
Jon

[Keith]

I really like those 2 quotes, thanks. So if I am meditating or in everyday life when doing something else, if (say) anxiety rears-up, what shall I do? Be aware of the feeling and where whilst concentrating on the breath and task, respectively, until it goes then return full attention to the primary focus? I think this sounds about right.

As for body scans, I did do about 2-3 months worth with the CDs that are produced to accompany Full Catastrophe Living. I must admit, I have never done them 'unaided' because time goes either really slow or really quick when I practice. As a result, if I don't use a timer I am worried that I could spend ages doing the scan or not 'completing' it within the allotted time when I time the session.

I know I shouldn't really be thinking in terms of 'completing' it as that's anti- the spirit of the practice but I couldn't think of another verb.

I tried FPIAFW and I didn't like it. I found it left me hanging with lots of questions about 'Then what?' and I didn't understand the discussion on the doing mode.* I agree that Full Catastrophe is difficult. It's probably the most difficult text I have read on any subject.

* I am still not sure. When Kabat-Zinn talks of 'doing' does he mean physical tasks, mental tasks or both? But doing MODE is a mode of mind as opposed to physical acts, I think.

I have Wherever You Go so will start on that next. Thanks for your quotes and your help.

[JonW]

Hi Keith.
You ask: 'So if I am meditating or in everyday life when doing something else, if (say) anxiety rears-up, what shall I do? Be aware of the feeling and where whilst concentrating on the breath and task, respectively, until it goes then return full attention to the primary focus? I think this sounds about right.'

Yes, that's it. This is all about awareness, remembering to be present and attentive to our present moment experience. When we are being mindful, we are paying attention in the present moment to things as they are rather than losing ourselves in thoughts about how we would prefer things to be. By consciously directing our attention to our present moment experience, we become grounded. If we are aware in the moment, we are able to choose how to respond adroitly to our situation rather than react unconsciously. Thus, decisions are more likely to be made from a place of relative calm than from a state of deep worry or blind panic.
As we develop a more open, more intimate way of relating to body sensations, thoughts and feelings, we wake up to our experience rather than sleepwalking our way through our lives. We begin living without the weight of anxiety, depression, self-doubt, self-criticism, low self-esteem and social awkwardness.
We stop feeling overwhelmed by thoughts, feelings and body sensations. We can begin living with some peace of mind, comfortable in our own bodies, no longer feeling separate and isolated in the world. Whatever is happening in our lives at any moment, we can approach our situation with equanimity and serenity.

Then you ask: 'When Kabat-Zinn talks of 'doing' does he mean physical tasks, mental tasks or both? But doing MODE is a mode of mind as opposed to physical acts, I think.'

Kabat-Zinn is referring to living life on auto--pilot, rather than being aware of what we are doing. Most of us will be familiar with the feeling of being ‘miles away’, lost in thought and unaware of our surroundings. According to experts, our minds wander at least 50% of the time. So, for at least 50% of the time, we are on auto-pilot, acting without conscious intention. In other words, we are not aware of what we are doing while we are doing it.
Doing some things automatically, without having to think too hard about them, can sometimes be an advantage. Driving a car would be exhausting if, every time you got behind the wheel, you had to think carefully about where the clutch pedal, throttle and brake pedal were located.
But, if you live your life on automatic, you miss what is going on around you.
Mindfulness can go a long way toward helping us change those thinking habits. Being mindfully aware rather than being on automatic pilot allows for the possibility of freedom from the mechanical, reactive, habitual patterns of mind.
You can make a habit out of being present in your life. It just takes practice.
So much of our lives seem to be spent trying to get, or wishing we were, somewhere else. Anywhere but where we actually are in the present moment.
Ultimately, mindfulness isn’t really about getting anywhere. It’s about being where we are right now, opening to our experience just as it is.
So many of us spend a great deal of our lives wishing that the present moment was other than it is. We want the moment to be brighter or shinier. We don’t want to be feeling the way we are. We don’t want the moment we are experiencing. We want the moment he is having, or the one she is having. And so on.
The stark fact is that the present moment has already arrived. If we try to wish it away, we are engaged in a futile fight with the universe.
It’s as though we believe that we can step outside of life’s natural flow and manipulate the universe so that we get exactly what we want every time.
The universe is not ours to control. And wanting things to be pleasurable all the time, wanting to be happy all the time, are impossible fantasies that only lead to discontent.

As for body scans, most of us find them quite challenging to do without guidance. I tend to do most meditations unguided but still use guided recordings for the body scans. Again, I feel body scans are a very important part of mindfulness practice. Myself, I like to throw in at least a couple a week. Usually on weekends. The longer the better.

I hope all this helps in some way.
All good things,
Jon

[Gareth]

Great post, Jon.