Insane identification with bad thoughts.

[Spikeycloud]

Hi,
I’m doing mindfulness for some time now – but I keep being identified by negative thoughts – and when Iam, I'm usually an extremely negative and irritated person that does not feel like me at all. It not something I choose it is not something I want but it happens too often in my opinion. It feels as if there is a bully in me that won’t go away and only creates negavitiy and I cannot do anything other than seeing it raping myself basically. I try to accept this but it is extremely hard and I don’t feel my (happy) self this way. Also I forget to accept also it a million times a day – and automatic non acceptance automatically comes over the bad thoughts. Also I automatically expect bad thoughts coming when I have good thoughts and that does generate bad thoughts after.

I have the idea that every thought you have in an illusion but at the same time I feel you can never get fully out of those thoughts so I’m an illusion too?
Do you guys have any tips how to cope with this?

I do mindfulness body scan meditation around 5-10 minutes 5 times a week but it doesn’t seem to change much. Though in the mediation itself I can often focus on my body parts fine.

I want to point out that they are not thoughts that float by. They take me over completely and change my perception without my consent - it even feels I'm not really there at such moments.

[Peter]

Hi Spikey,
Sounds pretty complicated. I'd advise you to not do this on your own. Seek professional help. A personal mindfulness teacher, or maybe a psychotherapist. Or better yet, someone who is both.
Peter

[Spikeycloud]

Hi Spikey,
Sounds pretty complicated. I'd advise you to not do this on your own. Seek professional help. A personal mindfulness teacher, or maybe a psychotherapist. Or better yet, someone who is both.
Peter

I'm already doing that. Tomorrow I have my first intake. I have already seen 2 other therapists (one of them was a mindful teacher too). And they think it is better to see a psychotherapist that can seek a bit deeper in my psyche.

But still I hope you guys have some tips for me to do in the mean time? Because I do suffer over it.

[Peter]

Hi Spikey,

You clearly want quick results (understandably). But alas, that's not how mindfulness works.

You have an appointment tomorrow, already. Can't be too hard to wait for that. I'd suggest you give that a fair chance first.

One thing though. You say you do a 5-10 min bodyscan, 5 days a week. That's not an extensive mindfulness practice to be honest. I'm not surprised that that didn't do much for you.

Good luck tomorrow.

Peter

[Spikeycloud]

Hi Spikey,

You clearly want quick results (understandably). But alas, that's not how mindfulness works.

You have an appointment tomorrow, already. Can't be too hard to wait for that. I'd suggest you give that a fair chance first.

One thing though. You say you do a 5-10 min bodyscan, 5 days a week. That's not an extensive mindfulness practice to be honest. I'm not surprised that that didn't do much for you.

Good luck tomorrow.

Peter

Yeah I should do it longer. But is hard for me to keep on it. I really do not enjoy doing it. Maybe I will once I really see the benefits.

[JonW]

Hi Spikeycloud,
You don't have to enjoy it. The point of this is not enjoyment although it can be very enjoyable at times. But enjoyment is never the goal. There are no goals. We are not trying to get anywhere.
Think of practice as honing the muscles of awareness.
As Peter says, this takes time. It also requires patience, self-compassion and the intention to keep doing it, no matter how tough it gets.
As Peter suggests, try longer meditations. Throw in a couple of 40 minute body scans each week.
The important thing here is to ground yourself in the practice. You might look into getting a teacher.
All good things,
Jon

[Gareth]

I'll just chip in here and say that I never really found the body scan to be much use (not that I really persisted with it). There are plenty of other ways to meditate, too. Experimentation is very important in my opinion.

[JonW]

Each to their own and full respect. In my view, the body scan is a hugely important part of mindfulness practice, not least because it serves as a reminder that mindfulness is as much about body awareness as awareness of mental events.
Cheers,
JW

[Gareth]

I think MS has a lot to do with it. There are parts of my body that I can't feel any more. This tended to make the body scan a frustrating experience.

[Spikeycloud]

I think MS has a lot to do with it. There are parts of my body that I can't feel any more. This tended to make the body scan a frustrating experience.

Isn't it the best to observe that as well without a judgement?