Mindfulness for Men

[Gareth]

Mike Kewley, friend of this project, is starting up another project, aimed at getting more men into meditation. He did an interview with me for that project, and I thought I'd share it with you:

• What is your name and age?

My name is Gareth Walker, and I am 39 years of age. I live in the North of England.

• What style of meditation do you practice?

Almost all of my practice has been mindfulness meditation, and it has been this that has brought about profound change in my life. As time goes on, I am beginning to get interested in other meditation styles and how they might bring about further improvements in my life. I have a very busy life including chronic illness, a full-time job and two small children. Managing all this effectively is only possible through meditation, but it makes time for experimentation and learning about new techniques limited.

• How long have you been a practitioner for?

I have been meditating/practising mindfulness for almost 7 years.

• How did you interest in meditation begin?

After being diagnosed with MS, my life was at a very low ebb. Eventually, I undertook a series of lifestyle changes, designed to give you the best possible chance with the disease. One of these lifestyle changes was meditation, but I had absolutely no idea how to meditate. I picked up a book on the subject, which happened to be by Jon Kabat-Zinn, the pioneer of secular mindfulness practice. This book resonated with me deeply, and as I began to practice, the positive effects on my life became clear to me.

• Which teachers or traditions do you resonate with and why?

I have never studied any of the teachers or traditions associated with meditation. Maybe I will do so in the future; who knows?

• Which practices have you found most useful and why?

As I was first starting out, I found the structure of breath counting to be very comforting as I first began to recognise the wild nature of the mind. I still use it occasionally, when I am feeling particularly lost.

As my practice deepened, and I realised that I could use anything as a basis for my practice, I began to turn towards mindful listening. I have always been a music lover, so I started listening to ambient music in headphones – trying to give every bit of attention to the music.

Mindful listening expands out so well into everyday life, too. When you begin listening to people, I mean really listening, rather than just thinking about what you are going to say next, then every single one of your relationships blossom.

• Has your practice had a positive impact in your life? If so, how?

My practice has had a profoundly positive effect on my life. I began meditating because of MS, and the practice has been a massive help in the way that I live with the disease. I am so much more in tune with my body, and I rest when I need too, not pushing myself too far. In the past, any little change in my body would have me catastrophizing – this simply doesn’t happen anymore.

Meditation also helps me at work; my capacity to concentrate and let go of distractions is greatly improved. This makes me much more efficient at getting stuff done, which helps me both at work and at home.

• What have you struggled with in your practice and how was it resolved?

Like many people, I struggled with consistency at first. My practice was ad-hoc; I didn’t see the benefit of meditating every day. It was resolved when I went on a two-week holiday. I told myself that I didn’t need to meditate, as I was on holiday. When I returned from holiday, I could see how much untidier my mind had become in that two-week period. That was when I resolved to meditate every single day, and the benefits grew and grew from there.

• Why do you think that meditation classes tend to attract women more than men?

I have no idea. I can only assume that meditation is somehow perceived to be ‘not masculine’. This is complete nonsense, of course. One can only hope that the gender equality which is growing in our society will spread here too.

• Do you feel there are preconceptions about men who meditate?

I’ve never encountered any, but I’m sure they exist.

• How has your practice impacted upon your mental and emotional health?

Positively. The way that I handle the inevitable stressors of life has been transformed. Stress is demonstrably bad for someone that has MS.

• Has your practice improved your relationships in any way?

My relationships with my loved ones are better. Mindfulness gives me the mental space to allow them to be exactly who they are; it liberates me from my own judgements and assumptions that can get in the way of loving relationships.

• Do you think that meditation has changed your sense of masculinity?

Not in the slightest. I am exactly the same person that started meditating. I am also completely different. Meditation is a contradiction like that. I’m me, but with all the shit stripped away.

• Do you have any advice for men struggling with difficult emotions such as anger, anxiety or depression?

Emotions are a normal; you wouldn’t be human if you didn’t have them. Burying an emotion does not work; it will only resurface in the future. Potentially in an uglier and more damaging form.

The best way to get through an emotion is to feel it fully and let it run its course. The key word being feel. Emotions are supposed to be felt; they are not problems to be solved.

Remember, however big an emotion may feel, you are bigger than it.

• Can you describe a brief practice which others may find helpful?

I am reluctant to. Who am I to say what practices someone might find helpful? I am a firm believer in experimentation, and finding a way to practice that suits the person best.

• What insights have you gained from your practice so far, and how have they changed the way you view yourself and the world?

Meditation and mindfulness breed compassion. It’s not that I wasn’t a compassionate person before, but that this quality has risen in me dramatically. Both self-compassion and compassion for others, too. I no longer beat myself up for any perceived failings – I’m just another human trying to do my best in a difficult world.

I’m much more interested in other people and their story. I realise now that very little that other people do has anything to do with me – they are just another human trying to do their best in a difficult world.

• What continues to drive your practice?

The notion of not practising is alien to me. Why would I not continue with the practice that has had such a massively positive effect on my life?

• How would you encourage other men to start a meditation practice?

Just start. The only failed meditation is the one that you didn’t do.

• Are there any websites, books or authors which you would recommend as a starting point?

The one I started, of course:

http://www.everyday-mindfulness.org

We have a blog for people to tell stories of their practice, and a forum for people to come and ask the questions that they will undoubtedly have. We have some other site recommendations on there also.

• Can you leave us with some words of wisdom?

There is a Twitter account associated with the site, so I’ll just give you one of the most retweeted Tweets:

You are alive.
You're not hungry.
You haven’t feared for your life today.
You have clean water.
Pick one and be grateful.
#mindfulness

[Peter]

I am always impressed by your view on life and mindfulness, Gareth! Great interview!
Peter

[Gareth]

Here is a link to the Facebook page:

https://www.facebook.com/Mindfulmen/

[monkey]

Great article, thank you! I loved the bits about emotion and compassion. And the gratitude at the end. We get so caught up in mental dramas we can't even see the basics sometimes - nice reminder.

[JGNNNC]

I've been curious about why there are consistently fewer men in Mindfulness courses than women; it seems every Mindfulness course reflects that, even in the groups in which I trained with Jon Kabat-Zinn and Saki. Our Mindfulness-Based Chronic Pain Management courses in Canada never have more than 20% men. MBSR and MBCT are apparently the same. I set out to investigate this by attending the Psychotherapy Networker conference in Washington in 2016. Some generalizations (with apologies--- but the insights helped): it turns out that Mindfulness courses are probably seen as therapy by men and they feel it is a sign of weakness to go for therapy. The languaging used in our facilitations appeals more to females than to males, and using languaging used in war and sport metaphors makes the facilitation more relatable to them: "mindfulness practice as an ally; mindful warrior etc". During enquiry, the male brain is so empathetic is turns to solutions, problem solving, very quickly rather than just listening. That can lead to frustration in the early course work which may result in attrition--more men dropping out. Yet when men attend and commit, they do well, and the group benefits.