Change in Relationship with Others

[arguseyed]

Hello, I wanted to talk about how the way I perceive many things has changed my relationship with people. I was introduced to mindfulness 4 years ago when I saw a documentary on the life of the Buddha. The documentary humanized the mystical figure of Buddha. His teachings on suffering, impermanent nature of life and how to break the cycle of suffering was very relevant to me. I was going through a rough time and it felt like the documentary was exactly what I needed. I started meditating the next day. As I delved deeper, reading about mindfulness made me realize more about the impermanent nature of life and accepting things as they are. It also made me aware (pun intended) of how striving can lead to discontentment as we are always looking for more. This has changed my relationship with other people. My perception of the things that matter has changed.

A lot of people I talk to have not realized these things, perhaps because they haven't got to a point where the regular way of doing things in the world has stopped working for them. When I talk to some of these people, they talk about striving for professional success, their relationships and more than that about how other people haven't lived up to the conventional benchmarks of a successful life. I find it hard to stay in these conversations ever since I got into mindfulness. There are other people who are going through emotional distress and when I try to communicate what I learned from mindfulness, they shrug it off. I have also encountered people who hear but don't listen. Or there are people who do not have an open heart to not judge me or to really understand my own emotional distress (still going through a rough patch).

I was wondering how mindfulness has changed their relationship with others. Does one feel more connected or more separate from people who are always striving and view other people through the same lens?

[JonW]

Hi arguseyed,
This would make a great blog for us if you were up for expanding into 1200-1500 words. I'd be happy to help things along if needed.
My social circle has changed almost completely since I got into mindfulness four years ago. I didn't fall out with anyone but a few friendships just faded away.
One thing I did learn early on is that there is no point trying to convince someone about the benefits of mindfulness/meditation unless they are ready for it. I've learned that one's own mindful way of being is the best advertisement for it.
People see the changes in me and they want some of that for themselves. I'm a qualified teacher now and still teach friends (and friends of friends) for free or for donations. These days, few things beat the feeling of teaching mindfulness to someone who really "gets" it.
Cheers,
Jon

[Gareth]

Every day, I see people falling into the traps that the mind sets, including loved ones. I know that there is another way, yet I say nothing, because I know it is pointless to do so. I find it immensely frustrating at times.

Everyday Mindfulness is my outlet - where I can help people who are trying to start their own practice.

[arguseyed]

Hi arguseyed,
This would make a great blog for us if you were up for expanding into 1200-1500 words. I'd be happy to help things along if needed.
n

Hi Jon,

I'll be happy to expand on this for a blog. I have never written a blog post this long, so any help will be great.

[arguseyed]

Hi Jon, Gareth;

I did realize that there was no point telling them about mindfulness because they weren't ready for it. I might not have been able to appreciate it if I had not known about it before I learned about it. It would have been immensely beneficial though and would have avoided me tons of needless emotional distress. It just feels quite lonely now because I find it hard to connect with other people. I feel like I don't have genuine connections with others and that is what I want.

[monkey]

Hi Jon, Gareth;

I did realize that there was no point telling them about mindfulness because they weren't ready for it. I might not have been able to appreciate it if I had not known about it before I learned about it. It would have been immensely beneficial though and would have avoided me tons of needless emotional distress. It just feels quite lonely now because I find it hard to connect with other people. I feel like I don't have genuine connections with others and that is what I want.

Hi arguseyed. I sometimes feel like this too. I think that I am much more aware now if someone isn't listening to me or is distracted or seems to harp on about old slights that others have done them. I find this hard because I suppose in being more aware of it I find it more hurtful. And I find that I have little to say in some conversations, ones about repetitive worries or about how other people have behaved unreasonably towards them or where they talk about their own shortcomings. I am sympathetic but I want to say 'you know you can try to just put that down.' I also have all these thoughts and anxieties etc but I think that my approach is different in trying not to pick every one up any more.

I also find it hard because my practice of yoga and meditation and mindfulness is enormously meaningful to me and somehow that makes me feel apart from people who don't have those sorts of things. I am not good at explaining to people what it means to me, the shifts are so hard to describe, and I guess I worry they will think I'm a total nutter!

I think though that through the practice I am much more open to connection from others, and in being more open to people I find that those who I would have dismissed as 'boring' or 'not like me' turn out to be people that I can connect with.

I suppose that practice enables you to be aware of your feelings. But those feelings aren't always easy ones. For me I think that being aware of what I feel around certain people means that I can try to make a skilful decision about how to proceed, whether to carry on trying to be open and friendly or whether I need to protect myself a bit more, and also what my motivations are. It's hard though. I am also wary of thinking that I know the answers and others don't. Humility is pretty important I think.

[arguseyed]

Yes, that's how it's been for me too. I am more aware of these things and get annoyed at people who don't listen or just hear to reply.