Mindfulness beginner, a couple of issues

[angstrom]

Hello,

I have been practising mindfulness meditation now for about 3 months, including the Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction program for the past 8 weeks. This was my 2nd attempt at the MBSR program and I found that I encountered similar issues that lead me to quit the program on the first attempt, about 1 year ago. On the 2nd attempt I managed to push through these issues and made it through the full 8 weeks of the program, but the issues are persisting and I wondered if anyone could provide some advice.

The first issue is a general increase in pain and tension in my hands, wrists, arms, neck and shoulders, especially on the right side. My right shoulder tenses regularly during meditation sessions and I often find myself becoming aware of this tension and attempt to relax the shoulder, only to have it tense up again a few minutes later. There is an element of Repetitive Strain Injury here, due to frequent computer use, but it seems odd that this pain and tension tends to increase each time I attempt to meditate on a regular basis. When I stop meditating regularly, the pain seems to improve somewhat. Could this have something to do with my posture while meditating? I also have chronic back pain so I always meditate lying on my back, on my bed, head on a pillow.

Second issue - even after 3 months of daily practice, 2 sessions a day (at least 20 minutes each), my mind seems to be more active now (during meditation) than it was when I first started meditating. Thoughts almost constantly intruding, no matter how often I attempt to return focus to my breathing. I am dealing with a significant amount of chronic pain and stress and that seems to be the source of most of the thoughts, mainly worrying about the future, how to deal with the pain, stress, anxiety etc. This can be really frustrating and I often wonder if my ability to meditate is improving. On the other hand, I get the impression that meditation is very much a skill that needs regular, long-term practice. I wouldn't expect to be proficient at playing a musical instrument after only 3 months of practice, for example, so I don't know why I would expect meditation to be any different.

I tried to follow the MBSR program as best I could, based on the information in Full Catastrophe Living by Jon Kabat-Zinn and also used his Guided Mindfulness Meditation CD's. Am I missing something here? Do I just need to persist with daily practise?

[Gareth]

I don't really feel that I know enough to be able to address your first issue, but I'll put a request in for some experienced heads to take a look at your post.

With regard to your second issue, it is a very common thing for new meditators to say. Increased awareness leads us to notice just how busy the mind is, whereas we didn't before. i.e it's not any busier, you are just better at noticing how busy it is. While ever you are noticing thoughts that are rising up, you are increasing the awareness of your mind, which is really the essence of meditation in my view.

In any case, the mind goes through busier and quieter periods, depending on the stimuli it receives. It may be that you are just having a busy period.

You say in your post: " I often wonder if my ability to meditate is improving."

It's just another thought...

[KernelOfWisdom]

Hi angstrom! Sorry to hear meditation has been such a struggle thus far. That sucks, and I imagine it's not terribly encouraging. BUT I am super inspired by your commitment to finding solutions and work arounds. That's awesome.

It's not uncommon for people to experience increases in physical, mental, or emotional cues when they start meditating. In my opinion/experience, this often comes up because your body, mind, emotions are, in a way, just SO excited that you're now paying attention. Thoughts, emotions, pain - they are all messengers trying to show us things we may need. So when we start to listen, they might all speak up at once. That can definitely be really overwhelming though. So, what I generally recommend is starting with one at a time and actually "tuning in" or "turning toward" the experience. This can also be challenge (and takes a lot of courage at times too) but if you really go into the sensations themselves, they might tell you something.

In terms of process, start by choosing to focus on a sensation (mental, physical, etc.) and really BE with the sensation. Explore the sensation as it is in the present (vs. your ideas about the sensation - though hold some awareness for meta-cognitions about your thoughts/feelings about and relationship to the sensation). How does it feel in the body? Is there a shape to it? How might you describe it (pressure, tingling, tightening, etc.)? Go as deep into it as you can. At times it might feel like it will overwhelm you, but it won't. Here you may need to choose whether (a) to be gentle with yourself and stay at the perimeters/edges of the experience or (b) challenge ourselves to keep going deeper and to uncover what's within. If you do want to go deeper, it takes allowing the sensation and experience to be fully experienced. You welcome it, even (silently) saying things like "yes, welcome"; or "hello you, you're here again, sit with me"; or "I recognize you [label sensation] and it's OK that you are here." This should release some resistance to it and continue to open things up. Once you've sat with the experience and gotten past the hump (i.e., worked through your fears of the sensation, your resistance to it, your feelings about it, etc.) then you can even engage the sensation by asking it/yourself questions like "is there anything that I need?"; or "is there anything I can I do to love, heal, and help myself?" and trust whatever arises, and give it to yourself.

With thoughts, the process is a little trickier because they aren't experienced "in the body" the same way. So, it starts similarly (even "off the cushion" so to speak) where you notice "thoughts are present." And then see if you can focus, not so much by engaging with the CONTENT of the thoughts, but my noticing and acknowledging the presence of particular thoughts. Essentially - noticing that thoughts (often of a particular nature) are there and that you are relating to those thoughts (metacognitions) in a particular way. If it helps, you can notice and acknowledge the nature of the thoughts (i.e., worrying, analyzing, doubting, planning) as a means of starting to pull apart the cascades that develop. As before, also hold some awareness for your metacognitions/feelings about or relationship to the thoughts (by checking-in with the body as you attune to the thinking present). Essentially this gives you a "pause" from engaging in the content of the thoughts and allows you to just be with the reality that, many times, we have many thoughts present.

Essentially, if we relate to what we experience in meditation as "wanting it to go away" or try to use meditation to try and eliminate thinking, or to distract ourselves, or to (essentially) support resistance (attraction/aversions) in any way - we struggle. But if we can be radically present with our experiences AS THEY ARE in the moment - we can open up so much.

Does that help?

If it helps any further, I also have the following videos that might help on my YouTube channel:
(1) What To Do About Numbness, Discomfort or Pain When Meditating: https://youtu.be/GhvwzsCBUew
(2) A Meditation To Help With Pain or Discomfort: https://youtu.be/sHyon1hbtiU
(3) The Difference Between Pain and Suffering: https://youtu.be/5HAxwNafVFM
(4) How Mindfulness Meditation Helps with Unpleasant Experiences: https://youtu.be/noqJ2WSXbgM
(5) Mindfulness Meditation for Coping with Unpleasant Experiences: https://youtu.be/-G_RYgGSX9c
(6) Meditation for Relaxation: Why it Doesn't Work: https://youtu.be/DPRkUw1IkAQ
(7) How To Stop Thinking When Meditating: https://youtu.be/zNdx5jUiw7Y
(8) Stop Using Mindfulness To Think Less: https://youtu.be/X6Mmwa2_qNo

[Matt Y]

Hi Angstrom,

I too am sorry to hear that your journey with meditation has been such a struggle so far.
But don't worry. It doesn't have to be that way.

I suspect the answer to your dilemma is very simple. Stop practicing meditation they way you are. Either MBSR is not the right approach for you, or you are practicing it in a way that's not right for you. That would seem quite obvious. You have been very diligent, and yet seem to have seen no improvement (and in fact a worsening of conditions) in three months. That's not right. No one approach to meditation works for everyone. The sensible thing would be to try something different.

MBSR (or the way you are practicing it) sounds like a pair of shoes that are a size too small, so you keep getting blisters.

I am very confident that once you find an approach that works for you, the problems you mention will vanish.

From your comments I can see two major problems.

1. You are applying too much effort (this is probably what is contributing to the pain).
2. You have unrealistic and / or unhelpful expectations around thinking in meditation.

Joelle's comments above may help, but I would take things a little further.

Here are my recommendations.

You have LOADS of diligence and discipline. You don't need any more. What you need is to relinquish effort and control.
Next time you meditate make no effort to come back to the breath (or any form of anchor), or to control your thoughts.
If you find yourself naturally aware of the breath, or your body, or sounds, that's fine; but don't hold your attention there. Let it drift back into the worries, plans or other thoughts that are naturally arising.

You'll likely find yourself drifting to and fro, between thoughts and sensation, but in a natural, unforced way, rather than by deliberately 'controlling' your attention.

This tweet from Cory Muscara describes the kind of attitude you want to adopt:
https://twitter.com/corymuscara/status/ ... 9845947392

Try that for a day or two, then please report back, so we can fine tune and troubleshoot your meditation practice.

[Rlustfield]

Hello Angstrom,

I actually can relate to the problems you discuss. That said I think it is important to note that I am not a licensed healthcare provider or mindfulness trainer and my experience is entirely biased. Moreover, I also found that one particular pose (sitting on the hard or lightly padded ground) was not soothing to the experience. More specifically I have a broken tailbone, and it's uncomfortable to sit when the seat goes numb). But, in other forms of MBSR Mindfulness, the skills that I have obtained are continually growing stronger and with less resistance from the ego and more rationally in the moment. So in this two-year period of mindfully being, I just do what I can with the intent of doing more, but in what is comfortable and realistic for me. I find the practice of mindfulness mediation is a process that Jon Kabat-Zinn refers to in his book Full Catastrophe and Hülsheger et al., (2012) agree that there are challenges of measuring mindfulness as its an experience, in its subjective "natural" process, without any direct time or placement of how it will transform or conclude.
I find this perspective allows for meditation and living in the present moment to be easier on the mind- body-spirit, which relates to Kernal of Wisdoms notion of the struggle and finding what works for you without too much barring on a direct commitment. Speaking of commitment, aren't we ever growing cognitively so long that we "pay attention"? That itself demonstrates a natural and meaningful commitment, does it not?

I am open to any additional thoughts, feelings, or perspectives?

Best to you,
Rlustfield

[JonW]

The books of Vidyamala Burch are highly recommended, particularly Living Well With Pain And Illness: Using mindfulness to free yourself from suffering.
Cheers,
Jon

[angstrom]

Thank you all for your advice and encouragement. Much appreciated!

Gareth: Increased awareness of thoughts - I hadn't considered that and it does make sense. My mind is definitely going through a 'busier period' due to increased stress. It's this increase in stress that drew me back to meditation and MBSR in particular. I'm intrigued by the 'pain is inevitable, suffering is optional' concept and obviously that is very much a work in progress for me. Could there be something similar happening with my first issue? Increased awareness of pain, rather than an actual increase in pain itself? If that's the case, these two issues may actually just be one result - an overall increase in awareness, which seems like a good result to me. Perhaps I should focus more on responding non-critically, without judgement? 'Rest in awareness' instead of reacting negatively?

KernelOfWisdom: Thanks for your very detailed post. There's a lot for me to process there and I will definitely have a look at those videos.

Matt Y: My gut feeling is that MBSR is a good approach for me. MBSR was chosen specifically for the stress reduction aspect, since I am dealing with a significant amount of stress (have been for decades really) and was looking for a healthier way to respond than turning to drugs and other harmful behaviours. So perhaps it's a matter of, as you said, practising MBSR in a way that would be more suitable for me. I did try your suggestion for meditation and it was interesting, felt comfortable and more of a natural flow, if that makes sense. Easier than always trying to bring focus back to the breath when noticing each thought.

Rlustfield: "aren't we ever growing cognitively so long that we "pay attention"?" - that helped me realise something about my second issue - yes, I seem to have almost constant thoughts while meditating, but more often than not I am aware of those thoughts, aware that I am thinking. I am generally able to quickly notice this and return focus to the breath (or whatever the aim of the meditation) without letting the mind wander and ramble. Paying attention to what's happening, whatever is happening. Maybe I need to keep reminding myself of that instead of expecting each meditation session to happen a certain way.

JonW: Thanks for the book recommendation, I will check that out.

[Matt Y]

Hi angstrom,

It sounds like you've taken a lot our of all our respective posts and made some useful changes to your meditation practice.

Gareth's point is a good one. It is important to have realistic expectations and to recognise that what we experience in meditation will be a reflection of what we're going through in life (at the time, and as a result of our past experiences).

I'm not sure why you would be experiencing so much pain, but increased awareness of it could be part of the picture. It is quite common for people to notice the background aches and pains, fatigue and stress more acutely as they start to meditate - partly because as we relax the body stops producing endorphins, which work as natural pain killers (blockers) whilst we are stressed. Generally speaking, it's useful to accept pain to the degree possible, and it will tend to fade away, perhaps after an initial intensification. However, if pain persists.... see your doctor!

"felt comfortable and more of a natural flow." Yes, exactly. That's what you are looking for. Has the pain abated at all with that approach?

"Paying attention to what's happening, whatever is happening." That's a useful goal in meditation, and you can include paying attention to a mind which wanders and rambles too. In fact, some of the most useful insights can come out of that, and a wandering mind can also lead into deep states of rest, if you permit the wandering. Strangely, and counter-intuitively, you may find that you think much less in meditation, and find a greater degree of restfulness when you allow yourself to think more freely. Quite offten we need to allow our mind time to process what we're thinking, before we can expect it to calm down. When we do allow ourselves this processing time, it becomes much easier to relax, and much easier to focus too.

[angstrom]

Matt Y: In your opinion, what are 'realistic expectations' of meditation? Is it as simple as expecting nothing and learning to accept whatever happens (which sounds so simple in theory, but not in practice) or is it more complicated?

As for the pain, it's a bit of a complex issue. I've been diagnosed with fibromyalgia, so I have chronic pain in most parts of the body along with restless legs, IBS and problems with sleep. There is no cure for this condition and it is difficult to treat, so I figured I would learn mindfulness meditation as a way of improving my relationship with the pain. Learning to accept the pain, because the reality is that my life is painful, instead of always clashing with that reality, which only seems to increase the suffering aspect, which in turn only makes the pain worse overall.

I've also recently been told that my spine is out of alignment and that is what is causing the Repetitive Strain Injury. That explains why I have pain and tension in certain areas, but my concern there was the perceived increase in pain and tension, especially during meditation. I'm now thinking there possibly hasn't been any actual increase in pain and tension, but an increased awareness of those sensations. I will try to be more mindful of this during the day when not meditating, to see if I can gauge what is actually happening.

[JonW]

'Paying attention to what's happening, whatever is happening. Maybe I need to keep reminding myself of that instead of expecting each meditation session to happen a certain way.'

That's it. Bang on the money.
We cannot manipulate our experience so that it transpires in a certain way. That's when suffering begins, in the space between what is experienced and how we could like our experience to be in that moment. That's a fight with the universe, one we will never ever win.
This moment has already arrived. It is what it is. Our freedom lies in the choice we have in the way we respond.
Cheers,
Jon