Bad people

[Peter]

The only thing I'd like to add is: We can also learn to accept that we don't know why, and it's just something that happened.

Very nicely put. This is where your autopilot disengages and you are ready to move on. But this is probably the hardest aspect of acceptance, at least for me as a rational person...

I feel like that now, pretty much always. Don't get me wrong, I feel a lot of compassion; more than I ever did. But I've no desire anymore to understand what isn't relevant.

I can see though, how, what you describe might be easier (maybe even necessary) for a lot of people at first. Since people who are used to telling themselves something negative (often for a long time), might find it easier to counter balance that by telling themselves something different, or at least think of alternative options.

Peter

[Gareth]

I think that in the situation of the bus driver, I would act in much the same way as Peter. "I have no idea why they are acting as they are," and walk away from the situation, calmly if possible. There is no need to even consider why, as Peter argues.

When it comes to loved ones though, as fabiG points out, the situation is different. Actively being compassionate can lead to greater understanding and thereby strengthening of our relationships. One might argue that the same is true for colleagues, as per the original post of this thread.

[Tody]

I allways think about. Does this help me getting to my goal? If I hold a grudge to this person will this make my life better? In most cases not. Take a lesson learned and move on.

[Peter]

Just to be clear: When it comes to family, friends etc I too feel that compassion is very important. Only you can decide when it is relevant; what is worth investing in. If you'd ask the bus driver about his motivations, it becomes relevant also.

When one wakes up in the morning, and enjoys the chirping if a bird, does one wonder why the bird is doing what it's doing? No; we tend to do that with negative experiences, not so much with positive experiences; while they are both just experiences to like or dislike when they are happening.

Peter

[JonW]

I'm with the Chinese on this.
Sit peacefully by the riverbank long enough and the bodies of your enemies will float past.
Jon/Mindful Pilgrim

[fabiG]

Just to be clear, it was just an (maybe a bit impersonal) example with the bus driver I wouldn't go to him as well and ask him what is troubling him, I just acknowledge that behavior and move on, and I'm not bothered by it. It's not relevant for me. When I would have gone out from the bus, I already would have forgotten it.

I have no idea why they are acting as they are

This is a very important point. And through this assumption, you become more open to interpretations, in every social interaction. With family members, it has relevance, for strangers of course not. And I think realizing this helps one to respond more appropriately in every situation

[Peter]

Exactly my point fabiG. I've noticed that also in personal relationships, my thought process has simplified significantly. If someone familiar interacts not so nicely, I ask myself, did I do something 'wrong'? If I think I didn't, I'm moving on. If I'm not sure, I'll ask or clarify my actions. The closer someone is to me, the more I try to notice distress, and talk about it. If there's something I did wrong, I acknowledge it, and try my best to do it differently in the future. I don't (anymore) try to analyse or interpret what the motivations of the other person might be until they've become apparent. This way of thinking/feeling gives a lot of peace. It isn't something I've told myself to do, but it is what mindfulness and meditation has steered me towards.
Peter

[steveburns04]

I still struggle with accepting this even with mindfulness. The trick he pulled not only wasted 50-60 hours of my time, it was a distraction that led to 3-4 months of unemployment (long story) and put me off that type of workwhich is essential in my field. A family member was going through a very tough time (and still is) with an event that happened around the same time (pretty horrific) and this made it even harder to deal with. Other bad stuff happened due to this. My career has kind of stagnated since.

After all this I still find it too hard to accept why he did not put my name on the work. It would have been no detriment to him, the outcome would have only been that he helped me. I would have thought he would have been grateful, but he seemed to be happy to save 50-60 hours of free time and give me nothing in return. I would never even consider doing that to someone.

[Peter]

Hi Steve, before I get into it, you said "that whole incident and the consequences afterwards have affected me for years".
May I ask how long ago this happend?
Peter

[steveburns04]

It happened 5 years ago. It started to affect me badly this year when I was applying to jobs and I was told to take that part off my CV as it was meaningless (told by multiple people). I messaged the guy a month ago and his response a with very dishonest (now that i already did the work for him for free, he put less effort into the lie). People had been telling me for years it was meaningless, but it was confirmed with his dishonest reply.
I know this is negligible compared to the horrible events that happen to others, and i dont know why its affected me so badly. I think its because of the consequences that happened after I did the work which have affected me up until now (very complicated but resulted from being distracted doing that work when I had crucial decisions to make), and I also had many problems before this. It is only now that it was confirmed by his message that him cheating me has affected me. My life would have been much different had I not taken the offer to do that work for him, and I really just dont understand why he thought it was acceptable.