just to check if i'm on track

[anna2000]

Dear readers,

I have been familiar with mindfulness since 2010, followed an 8-week course then and read a lot of books on mindfulness. However, I haven't really been able to integrate formal practice into my daily life, and don't think my life has been very mindful since then. I am a little bit ashamed to say I tend to turn to mindfulness whenever im experiencing anxiety episodes (happened first in 2010) and negative thoughts. Needless to say it is very difficult to only practice mindfulness in times of need, as it is very difficult to deal with strong emotions if mindfulness is not something that you have been practicing regularly.

In these episodes: I wake up at night with a feeling of fear, and then all kinds of old tapes get activated and i get into a 'fight' modus. Sometimes i'm able to step out of the automatic pattern the next day, but once every year it sucks me in deep and i then struggle with the anxiety for weeks.
The only thing that got me "out" of them in the past was to give up all resistance and not create any more stress. I just focused on my breath, and didn't react to the anxious thoughts, just let them be. I took my anxiety 'with me' and started to focus on other sensations and fun events. Then, the stress got less, it was more easy for me to except the anxiety and my attention became less narrow. It seemed as though brain was not afraid any more of the anxiety. Also, i didn't took my anxious thoughts that serious any more, but just thought of them as creation of my mind (sort of cognitive diffusion).

However, i still find it difficult to say if my mindfulness practice is not a form of distraction..
Is it ok to take the anxiety with me, and then focus on something else? For example, if i'm at work I feel my anxiety, don't supress it but shift my attention to work-related stuff. Sometimes the anxiety then becomes less, sometimes it stays present.

Also when i do formal practice, for example during a bodyscan meditation, my attention gets drawn to the anxiety feelings in my body all the time. Is it then ok to to (gently and with compassion) shift my attention to the part of the body i'm focusing on? If i'm constantly narrowly focussed on my anxiety, this doesnt do me any good. It also prevents me from living, and having fun. Would it be ok to let my anxiety be, take it with me, and go live my life? I'm asking because i'm just afraid to make matters worse by suppressing my anxiety. Perhaps you could provide me with some advice?

many thanks!
Anna

[anna2000]

Hope someone is able to offer my some advice?

I think that saying to the anxiety: it is ok that you're there and then focusing on the now is the way to go. And everytime my attention gets nucleated around the anxiety, i just gently shift my attention. In that way, it doesn't have power over me.

Would you guys agree?

[Peter]

Hi Anna,

Welcome to the forum!

I know you don't like it, but my advice is to stay with these feelings in your body of the anxiety! If you try to distract yourself from it, it keeps it's power, and it might even become stronger!

Stay with it; it might take a while (days, weeks, even months), but eventually you'll except those feelings, and that's when it looses it's power and will eventually desolve!

Good luck!

Peter

[anna2000]

Thanks for your response peter!

To see if i understand you correctly, this is the 'right' strategy now: if i am at work and these feelings come up, i then noticed them, feel them in my body (for 10 sec) and let them be. Then, I continue unward with the task i'm doing. Not in a 'you need to leave' manner, but in a manner that states 'i can work even when i'm anxious, because it is just a feeling that is ok to have'. And everytime my attention gets drawn to the anxiety, i just cradle it with my breath and tell it that it is ok that is there, and that i do not need to resolve my anxiety/ don't start to ruminate about the feeling.
Just accept it for what is.

that sounds ok?

[anna2000]

Maybe also to clarify: if i carry unward with the task, i do not lose the feeling of anxiety. I still feel it all the time, when i'm doing another task. I just don't ruminate about it. I let it be, and cradle it with my breath. I just carry on with my life. I think it would be a little bit senseless to stop doing anything else until my anxiety has gone, right?

sorry for another post, i just want to make sure i do the right thing and explain myself correctly

[Peter]

Yes, that's right, but stay with it for as long as you can. Not for 10 seconds, and then move on. That would be just noticing it; you also need to accept it. That isn't something you tell yourself. This acceptance is something you begin to feel when you keep being with it, and you feel that it slowly becomes less intense, or even devolves! Just keep doing that every time you notice these feelings of anxiety!

Peter

[EDIT] If you stay with it and it doesn't become less intense, that's fine too. Just stay with it as often and long as you can.

[anna2000]

Thanks Peter, I totally understand the difference.

Just let it be and be with it. Don't retract from it but really accept it.
And in this acceptance, there is room to not want to resolve it, but just to go with the flow of the anxiety. It is a little bit complicated though when im at work teaching, i can't stop teaching and then be with my anxiety for a couple of minutes . I can make room after i'm done teaching, think that would be the way to go then?
One more question; i tend to feel that if i stop everything i'm doing as soon as i feel anxious, i let the anxiety dictate my life. If i just let it be, cradle it and then continue (without repressing my anxiety) i feel it dissolve and change too.

I tend to feel that i need to cry whenever i focus fully on the anxiety; it seems as though the anxiety makes me sad or there is sadness 'behind' the anxiety. I'm not sure if i should then just cry, or notice the urge to want to cry?

Hope i don't bother you to much with all these posts

[Peter]

Just let it be and be with it. Don't retract from it... go with the flow of the anxiety.

That's exactly right!

It is a little bit complicated though when im at work teaching, i can't stop teaching and then be with my anxiety for a couple of minutes . I can make room after i'm done teaching, think that would be the way to go then?

You don't need to stop doing anything. Just keep noticing it as best you can while you're busy (even when talking to people).

One more question; i tend to feel that if i stop everything i'm doing as soon as i feel anxious, i let the anxiety dictate my life. If i just let it be, cradle it and then continue (without repressing my anxiety) i feel it dissolve and change too.

You can continue and keep noticing it, but it is also important to stop sometimes and be with that feeling (in peace and quite)! You can be more attentive and aware when you dedicate time for it. When you stop, the anxiety isn't dictating your life, it is you who chooses to stop. You didn't do that before and that's when it dictates your life (when you react without choice). It is you choosing to take time for yourself, to nurture yourself, not you reacting involuntary to the anxiety.

I tend to feel that i need to cry whenever i focus fully on the anxiety; it seems as though the anxiety makes me sad or there is sadness 'behind' the anxiety. I'm not sure if i should then just cry, or notice the urge to want to cry?

Cry if you feel you need to cry. Try not to fight any of it. Notice the anxiety, notice that you're becoming sad, notice that you're about to cry, and cry. Try to really feel it all, and 'float' in that feeling. I did that (I have a history of panic/anxiety), and at some point I almost loved 'floating' in that feeling. To surrender to it feels actually great!

Hope i don't bother you to much with all these posts

It's no bother at all. I love to help you!

Peter

[Lee1984]

I tend to feel that i need to cry whenever i focus fully on the anxiety; it seems as though the anxiety makes me sad or there is sadness 'behind' the anxiety. I'm not sure if i should then just cry, or notice the urge to want to cry?

Hi Anna, I get exactly this!

When I feel anxious and really let myself into the feeling I too get the urge to cry, which as a 32 year old man who has always fought the urge, is really difficult.
However, I have started (unless completely inappropriate) to allow myself to cry in those moments, and it is really refreshing. I lifts a weight and I really feel like I am letting go of something sad inside of me.
If the timing is right, I realise that I need to cry, and I will save it for later. When I have some time to myself I try to re-enter the feeling I had earlier, and surrender to it once again. I don't always have the same urge to cry, it is often diminished slightly, but if I can tap back into it and have a cry then that feels good too.

I have always seen crying as a form of weakness, I still do most of the time, but I now think that sometimes showing that little bit weakness is OK. Crying is OK. It is just a form of release.

I was talking to my step mum at the weekend about a fear of seeing my sick nephew and that I thought I would break down when I saw him, and she said "Of course you might, you're only human". It hit me then that nobody can think less of you for being human, because we all are!

I have rambled on, but my point was to just say that I think you should (where you can) let yourself cry.

[Matt Y]

It's been a while since this question was posed, but I'd like to add a slightly different perspective and suggest that suppression is an appropriate response at times; for example, when you are at work and it may not be appropriate to burst into tears!

You can also suppress, or redirect your attention away from difficult and disturbing thoughts, emotions and sensations when they seem too turbulent or overwhelming for you to deal with.

To use an analogy, if the seas are stormy, (a hurricane is approaching), it would be foolish to set sail. Instead, you would return to a safe harbour, drop anchor, and wait until the storm passes.

However, you don't want to stay in that safe harbour all the time. You want to develop your skills, so that you can safely sail in all kinds of weather. And this I think, is what Peter is getting at: if the winds are strong (but not necessarily dangerous), stick with it. You may capsize, it may be a rough trip, you may need to stay sharp, but you'll be developing your confidence in your ability to sail under such conditions.