Dreading Meditation

[Peanut]

Hello,

I am currently on week two of Mark Williams course - the bodyscan week and I am finding that throughout the day I am dreading or anticipating having to fulfill my two meditations for the day. It is driving me nuts. I feel like it is just another task on my to do list. I know I should think of it as time set aside for myself and bettering myself but I cannot seem to shake this mindset.Has anyone experienced this or have any tools for dealing with this???

I also feel like it is affecting my time when I do actually meditate. When I have done a random body scan in the past I have thoroughly enjoyed the experience. I really connect with my body and feel whole afterwards. But this week has been hard. I am usually consumed by worries, or memories and become aware that I am not focused on a particular body part but instead of returning to the focus of attention I instead continue to ruminate. Every meditation feels like it further cements that I am never going to feel better and even mindfulness can't help me. Also when he directs attention to a particular body part I sense it but I also find that I visualize that particular part of my body in my mind is this okay??

I know I am an over thinker but I really feel like I am in the 'war zone' of mindfulness right now, my 'doing mind' is constantly barraging me with thoughts and reminding myself that I am not being mindful throughout the day so I am aware that I am off and not in the 'now' but I can't quite get to the now either. Has anyone else experienced this and if so how did you deal with it?

Sorry for the long post I am just feeling a little isolated in this right now and would love to hear from anyone about their experience

[JonW]

Hi Peanut,
Bear in mind that this is not about having blissful meditations every time though, no doubt, they will occur.
If what you're experiencing is a strong resistance to meditation, THAT is your meditation. Be with that.
Progress isn't gauged by comparing one meditation with another, or one week with another. This isn't about getting anywhere. It's about being with what you are experiencing right now. Good, bad, indifferent. All of it.
If there's any "progress" to be gauged, it will come after a period of prolonged, committed practice when you're walking down the street one day and you suddenly realise that you now relate to yourself, others and the world in general in a much different way than you used to.
Forget any thoughts of benefits right now. It's too early. You're just starting out. Just do the practice. As Jon Kabat-Zinn says, "You don't have to enjoy it - just do it."
You'll get plenty of support here on the forum, assuredly.
Cheers,
Jon, Hove

[Matt Y]

Hi Peanut,

I think there is definitely truth in what Jon says. On the other hand, I also believe that it may not be helpful to adopt a one-size-fits-all approach to meditation and mindfulness. Some people really benefit from a consistent, disciplined practice. For others, this just leads to fatigue, burn-out and giving up. If you dread a daily bodyscan practice then I wouldn't recommend doing it. I'd experiment with other techniques or approaches until you find something that works for you. You're certainly not alone. I've taught a number of people who say they can't stand the bodyscan. Some of them have come back to it later. Others have just found other ways of meditating that work for them. There is no one type of practice that is 'right' or required for everyone.

Two bodyscans a day might be too much. It sounds like you enjoy the bodyscan when you can come to it on your own terms, rather than when it feels like an obligation. Perhaps you should trust that insight, and just do it when it feels right for you?

Alternatively, it might just be the attitude you are adopting when you do practice the bodyscan. It sounds like your expectations might be creating a few problems. Remember, whatever happens in meditation is okay. If you visualise each part of your body as you focus on it that's fine. It may even be helpful.

More importantly, it's not a problem if you get distracted and lose focus. That's fine too. Going over your worries, and getting consumed by them, is perfectly natural and normal. The mind has its own intelligence, and even if you spend 99% of your meditation time lost in though, the practice is still likely to be beneficial.

The most important thing is to go easy on yourself. There's no point in beating yourself up for losing focus. No one has perfect focus, or anything even near to perfect focus. If you spend 50% of the time focused on the body, that would be quite exceptional. And no one is immune to worry. If you didn't worry at all during a meditation; then that would probably be a REAL cause for worry!

Finally, don't expect to be mindful, present and 'in the now' all day long. Congratulate yourself each time you are mindful, even if that's only once a day. That's a much more useful approach than berating yourself each time you forget to be mindful. The fact that you are recognising how unmindful you are is actually a sign that you have been mindful!

Good luck,
Matt.

[Peanut]

Wow - thanks to both of you for such great responses!
They both filled me with a little peace and calm

Jon I really like that I do not have to be concerned with the benefits of meditation right now or even enjoying it for that matter - just doing it is key. This really helped me to not judge myself so much the next time I meditated. I didn't dread it quite so much either and welcomed the idea that it might be uncomfortable and boring.

Matt thanks so much for your response. I am currently doing the Mark Williams course and this is why I am doing 2 body scans a day for six days of this week. Once I have completed the course I will try to work out a daily meditation practice that I hopefully can enjoy

Thanks for quashing my fears about visualization, I was really trying to fight them for a few days but found my most 'successful' sessions came when I both felt the sensations of the body part and visualized it whilst shining a torch onto it. Also I am going to try and remember to congratulate myself when I have been mindful rather than fretting about my un-mindfulness throughout the day. Thanks so very much your response has really brightened up my day and instilled me with a little calm that if I take everything as whatever it is it all might work out brilliantly.

Thanks to both of you, this is a fantastic and supportive place!

[JonW]

"It's not what you gain, it's what you lose."
(Tenzin Palmo)

[Elena]

Hi Peanut

I don't like the bodyscan either. Relax, you're only into week 2 into the course. There will be other approaches you might get along better with.

[JonW]

"I don't like the bodyscan either."

Not an uncommon view.
But let us be careful not to throw the baby out with the bathwater.
Jon

[FeeHutch]

When I first started my practice I found the body scan very difficult emotionally. I had recently become disabled and I didn't want to pay attention to what I could and couldn't feel, the latter was the real sticking point.

I gritted my teeth and did it anyway, I resented it but I kept going and eventually that practice led to one of the most fundamental changes in my attitude to myself. At that time I was still in community rehab learning to adapt to my new circumstances and that change had a massive impact on my rehab too.

So Jon is right, don't throw the baby out with the bath water. The body scan has it's place honest

[Gareth]

Don't be hard on yourself for disliking the bodyscan.

I don't like it either, and I almost never do it. And I'm as committed to mindfulness as you can be.

I think some of my reasons might be similar to Fee's. ie there are parts of my body that don't give me a great deal of sensation any more, and maybe that's tricky to handle emotionally.

[JonW]

When I started out, I tended to regard the body scan and mindful movement as side dishes to the main event of sitting meditation. It was only when I started my teaching course that I began to grasp the importance of body scan and mindful movement, and started to see that those exercise were as meditative as my sitting practice.
Finding Peace In A Frantic World goes quite light on the body scan. If memory serves, it's introduced in the second week as a ten minute exercise. On the course I'm learning to teach, the body scan comes in week one and it's for 30 mins.
When I get time I'll write something about the importance of those exercises to the course and to mindful practice in general.
Cheers,
Jon