Hello

[Moksha76]

^^^^ thank you guys

[KernelOfWisdom]

Hello Moksha,

Thanks for reaching out through the forum, it must have taken a lot for you especially given how scary it can be to put something like this out there for people to read. It really does show how committed you are to yourself, and how much you really do want change.

I hope it is comforting to know that you certainly are not alone in your fears. My husband is a "Courage Coach" and actually he will tell you with 100% certainty the #1 thing people are afraid of is what others think of them. That said, we all experience that to different degrees and I hear that this anxiety has been really debilitating for you. But, know that your experience with anxiety is really natural as well. When we become first anxious it triggers a process called "threat-related attentional bias" where our brains (specifically the amygdala) is HYPER alert to potential threat. The more threat we identify the more anxious we become and so it is a cycle that pulls us in - even biologically. So it makes sense that you think about it all the time now AND that you experience the physiological affects of that anxiety (i.e. racing heart, sweating, etc.) all the time too. AND it is very common to even feel somewhat anxious about those physiological affects themselves (which can sometimes trigger Agoraphobia as well). I too suffer(ed) from anxiety and panic disorder so I can appreciate how debilitating these process are and how much they can hold us.

BUT, to answer your question I DO think mindfulness can help a lot. For one, yes it can help break the cycle of threat-related attentional bias so that slowly, with practice you can start to build new neural pathways that are less directed by your anxiety. Second, mindfulness really can help you find so much more love and compassion for yourself. I have to agree with the observation that Peanut made that you seem to be angry with yourself for the way you feel. Mindfulness can help to heal that and help you find a truly compassionate place for yourself where YOU become your own best friend instead of a bully toward yourself (which we ALL get in the habit of becoming). Finally, mindfulness is proven to help develop areas of the brain that help with human interaction. It can help you see that OTHERS get really nervous to meet you too, can help you connect with that fact - that we are all afraid of one another - empathize with it and help make you feel more comfortable around others. With time, it can help you hold a place of compassion for them as we all need help and love and relief through suffering and it can help you discover how to be a compassionate presence for others (which can also take some of the "pressure" off of being a certain way so others like/accept us).

What I will say though is that mindfulness is a PRACTICE so this stuff will also take time and some struggle (not unlike therapy). Your brain is, at this point, really used to the habits it has developed so it just takes time and dedication to develop new habits. A good teacher in your area will be AWESOME to get you started (I am from Canada so I don't know anyone in your area I'm afraid), reading Jon Kabat-Zinn, Eckart Tolle, Dan Siegel, and others is great too or there are some workbooks specifically on mindfulness for social anxiety on Amazon, such as this one: https://goo.gl/RjPlt4. YouTube also has lots of great videos, including the Everyday Mindfulness Channel (https://goo.gl/OuYEjv), Actualized.org has some (https://goo.gl/MFG0Uk), Headspace (https://goo.gl/IeIySX) or my Kernel of Wisdom channel (https://goo.gl/xhIO8Y).

ALSO, a lot of people find the Headspace really helpful to get started so you can certainly try that too - https://www.headspace.com.

Finally, I just wanted to add a thought about therapy. It is REALLY beneficial to treat anxiety or other mood disorders with mindfulness AND therapy, especially if it is a strong anxiety or chronic issue. If you don't find that the current therapy you are trying (or your current therapist) are working, I do recommend you look into other options. CBT can be great for phobias and does work well with some anxieties, but it doesn't work for everyone. There are other really need forms of therapy ESPECIALLY if it is an anxiety that stems from childhood. Adlerian therapists, for example, are great with this kind of thing, as can be psychodynamic therapists or some people really appreciate Gestalt methods. Also, the #1 factor (by quite a margin) that predicts successful outcomes from therapy is the therapeutic relationship itself. Do you have a good "fit" with your therapist? If it is not working, it might be worth it to try someone else and see if they might have an approach that just works better for you. Therapy can be AMAZING when things align well and fit your specific needs but it might take a bit of looking around before you find something. Just though I could add that because I'd hate for you to feel like it isn't a successful option for you at all - it is always good to feel like we have options

All the best and, again, I really am inspired by the courage it took to write this post and reach out for help!

[Moksha76]

"KernelOfWisdom

But, know that your experience with anxiety is really natural as well. When we become first anxious it triggers a process called "threat-related attentional bias" where our brains (specifically the amygdala) is HYPER alert to potential threat. The more threat we identify the more anxious we become and so it is a cycle that pulls us in - even biologically. So it makes sense that you think about it all the time now AND that you experience the physiological affects of that anxiety (i.e. racing heart, sweating, etc.) all the time too

.

First, thank you very much for your reply kernel of wisdom

That makes a lot of sense to me. If I had an MRI scan on my brain, I would not be surprised to find that a particular area is inflamed or trapped in some kind of loop. It isn't natural to have your heart pounding 24/7, even when I am not in any danger and not even worried or anxious about anything specific.

Second, mindfulness really can help you find so much more love and compassion for yourself. I have to agree with the observation that Peanut made that you seem to be angry with yourself for the way you feel. Mindfulness can help to heal that and help you find a truly compassionate place for yourself where YOU become your own best friend instead of a bully toward yourself (which we ALL get in the habit of becoming

).

So true. I had a slight breakthrough last night. I woke up, as usual, in the early hours, with my heart pounding and a rush of thoughts about wasted time, time passing etc and said, almost aloud "do you really want to do this?". In other words, I seemed to have fully absorbed, at a subconscious level, the idea that I am not my thoughts and that my thoughts are something I do, rather something done TO me. I CHOSE not to allow my thoughts to carry me away into what I now call "self-torture mode". Even being introduced to the idea that a space exists between 'deep Self'/ 'witness' and 'the thinker' can help, without any meditation practise.

What I will say though is that mindfulness is a PRACTICE so this stuff will also take time and some struggle (not unlike therapy). Your brain is, at this point, really used to the habits it has developed so it just takes time and dedication to develop new habits.

Do you think mindfulness practise can literally re-wire the brain? I'm not talking metaphorically, I mean at a physical, material level.

Finally, I just wanted to add a thought about therapy. It is REALLY beneficial to treat anxiety or other mood disorders with mindfulness AND therapy, especially if it is a strong anxiety or chronic issue. If you don't find that the current therapy you are trying (or your current therapist) are working, I do recommend you look into other options. CBT can be great for phobias and does work well with some anxieties, but it doesn't work for everyone. There are other really need forms of therapy ESPECIALLY if it is an anxiety that stems from childhood. Adlerian therapists, for example, are great with this kind of thing, as can be psychodynamic therapists or some people really appreciate Gestalt methods. Also, the #1 factor (by quite a margin) that predicts successful outcomes from therapy is the therapeutic relationship itself. Do you have a good "fit" with your therapist? If it is not working, it might be worth it to try someone else and see if they might have an approach that just works better for you. Therapy can be AMAZING when things align well and fit your specific needs but it might take a bit of looking around before you find something

[/quote].

I agree, but there is the question of money. I simply cannot afford therapy. We have the NHS here in the UK, which provides people with (I think) 6 free counselling sessions, but no more. Has anyone tried self-therapy combined with meditation? How do you do it? I am considering something called 'acceptance and commitment therapy', but that would have to be from a book- not ideal, but better than nothing.

Thank you again

And thank you Sheila and Happy Buddha too.

[FeeHutch]

Hello and welcome to the community

Loads of great stuff has already been posted so I won't repeat them but to say, you aren't on your won either in dealing with this issues you mention or with the questions you have asked. I look forward to reading more from you

[Porco_rosso]

Hi Moksha76,

I'd like you to know you are far from alone in having anxiety and that horrid sensation of the knocking, racing heart.

8 years ago I had a bizarre and disturbing episode in which I passed out during a 'difficult' experience, entering a terrifying half-aware fainting state and having mild convulsions. This little episode shocked and distressed me like nothing in my life and I spent years after with some of the same symptoms you describe.

I developed a weird fear of waking in the night so that when it happened, my heart would immediately start beating at speeds I honestly didn't think possible. My system would flood with adrenaline and it would take over an hour to go back to sleep.

That is a snapshot of the mind-body issues I have had but my salvation was a combination of hypnotherapy, NLP books (the structure of magic, frogs into princes are two that come to mind) and mindfulness. I began to realise that my subconscious was harboring a lot of unproductive beliefs and the only way to change this was to feed it with calm mind states every day. My meditation practice has been invaluable because it trains me to let go of my thoughts and understand they are not me!

So hang in there. After my ordeal I truly believe everyone has the resources already within them to overcome their own challenges, we just have to dig deep and find them! Mindfulness helped me become more self aware and when I did this I knew I was strong enough to win out, and you are no different!

Stay the path my friend!

P_R