Hello

[Moksha76]

Hi, I am a male in my late 30s and have been interested in altered states for years. I have experimented with meditation before, but never stuck at it for more than a few days. However, I now wish to devote myself seriously in order to overcome quite bad mental illness. All my life I have suffered with a crippling social anxiety disorder which has ruined my chance of a serious relationship or a career. With my 40th approaching I feel like I just have to salvage some kind of a life before it really is too late and hope that mindfulness, combined with CBT, might help (CBT on its own does nothing to stop my anxiety).

I sleep very, very badly and wake up most nights with my heart pounding. I then read for an hour or so, sometimes until dawn, before returning to a light, troubled sleep. During the day I am often overwhelmed by feelings of sadness and regret at the life I might have lived, and I suspect I live with a mild depression, though this is so normal for me I hardly notice. I am also tormented by the passing of time and am dreading my 40th like I have never dreaded anything in my life. I know such things are trivial compared to those who've suffered abuse or who live with life-threatening illnesses, and I don't want to give the impression that I am full of self-pity. I'm not. But I am deeply, deeply unhappy.

I have read all I can find on mindfulness and feel I grasp the basics. I have ordered Professor Mark Williams' talks on CD and have even bought a lava lamp to help calm my mind during meditation! lol. Do you think mindfulness could help me? My mind is a turmoil of regret, fear, dread and a black, self-torturing loathing for the world. My heart pounds constantly, even now as I type. I fear sometimes that part of my brain or nervous system are permanently inflamed and out of control- it isn't normal to have a pounding, racing heart almost 24/7. . Can anyone relate to this? Has anyone else tried mindfulness or TM (is there a difference?) to help cope with extreme social anxiety and generalised anxiety? Does it help with insomnia? Could it help me come to terms with a wasted life and overwhelming feelings of regret? Or am I expecting too much?

[JonW]

Hi Moksha76,
Welcome to the forum.
Please feel free to make yourself at home here. We're a friendly bunch.
The first thing I'd advise is that you check out any mindfulness courses available in your local area. I think you'd benefit from working with a teacher, either within in a group or in a 1-2-1 situation.
If that's not feasible, you can follow the 8-week course via a book. The one I usually recommend is Finding Peace In A Frantic World by Mark Williams and Danny Penman. Perhaps you already have that one?
A word of caution though. It may not be advisable to begin a course if you are currently suffering from severe anxiety or depression. This is something you would discuss with a mindfulness teacher if you're contemplating going down that road. Alternatively, it's something you'd be advised to discuss with a GP.
In the meantime, do ask any questions that arise and we'll do our best to answer them.
All best wishes,
Jon, Hove

[Peanut]

Hi Moshka76,
I am also new to mindfulness and have only been practicing for two weeks. I am actually new to this website and was just perusing the forum out of interest but felt compelled to make an account when I saw your post. Firstly I just want to say you are not alone. I really empathize with the way you feel and had a real gut response to your post - reading your anxious words made even my heart start racing haha.
Secondly I think with all my heart give mindfulness a try. Your words are not full of self pity but they are full of anger at yourself which is just as destructive. Mindfulness teaches us not to beat ourselves up, for our thoughts and emotions and our past. The most beautiful thing about mindfulness is that it doesn't tell you to change your thoughts to positive, or that you will reach this zenith it simply tells you to compassionately be aware of whatever it is that you are feeling or thinking and instead of emotionally reacting to it you observe it.

I know from years of severe anxiety that our thoughts feel like Truth but they are not they are simply thoughts. And if you begin to live your life moment by moment as it actually unravels it all becomes a little easier to deal with. The hardest part of starting mindfulness for me so far has been worrying that I am not doing it right or that it won't help me and I will always feel this way or that there will be no results because my mind keeps wandering. But the freeing thing is the point is not the result it is just the act of doing it out of love for yourself.

I was directed by a friend to Jon Kabat-Zinn who has a few videos on youtube and has been practicing mindfulness for 50 years. I find him to be authentic and understanding. His audio book is available on youtube and it is pretty amazing. You can also purchase his series - I am enjoying series three. It is hard but I am determined to stick to it.

I am sure you have also been in contact with a GP which is crucial but please just remember that you are important, your life is still being lived moment by moment, breath by breath, and many many people are in your boat. Also forty is still so so young please please don't be haunted by your past or weighed down by your future all you will ever have is now!

[Moksha76]

"Peanut"]Hi Moshka76,
. The most beautiful thing about mindfulness is that it doesn't tell you to change your thoughts to positive, or that you will reach this zenith it simply tells you to compassionately be aware of whatever it is that you are feeling or thinking and instead of emotionally reacting to it you observe it.

Thank you so much for your reply Peanut. Even more than what you write, the simple fact that you've made such an effort to cheer me has cheered me up!! lol

I agree with what you say. Like many people I have tried CBT and found it interesting, but basically useless- especially for social anxiety. But I am more optimistic about mindfulness. The problem I have atm is the relentless intensity of my anxiety; it is so bad that I am finding meditation impossible. Still, this will ease off I'm sure. And when it does I am going to seriously dedicate myself to mindfulness as I have never dedicated myself to anything. I suppose the idea is to almost step back from your thoughts, to 'create a space' between me and my thoughts.

I know from years of severe anxiety that our thoughts feel like Truth but they are not they are simply thoughts.

Yes, I must repeat this to myself all day every day until the message is driven deep into my subconscious. I'm sorry you also suffer from anxiety peanut. Horrible isn't it!

And if you begin to live your life moment by moment as it actually unravels it all becomes a little easier to deal with. The hardest part of starting mindfulness for me so far has been worrying that I am not doing it right or that it won't help me and I will always feel this way or that there will be no results because my mind keeps wandering

.

I am sure it does work peanut. My brother in law is a cancer nurse and he has been practising mindfulness (well, TM) for about 9 months now. He swears by it and even believes it should be taught in schools. He can have the most exhausting, stressful night time shift, full of heartache and yelling relatives. But as soon as he feels the anxiety mount and his mind becoming flooded, he withdraws to the chapel, goes into a 10 minute meditation and comes back with his mind calm, sharp and clear. He has proved to my satisfaction that it works.

I was directed by a friend to Jon Kabat-Zinn who has a few videos on youtube and has been practicing mindfulness for 50 years. I find him to be authentic and understanding. His audio book is available on youtube and it is pretty amazing. You can also purchase his series - I am enjoying series three. It is hard but I am determined to stick to it.

I might check him out. I've ordered professor Mark Williams' mindfulness course on CD as well.

I am sure you have also been in contact with a GP which is crucial but please just remember that you are important, your life is still being lived moment by moment, breath by breath, and many many people are in your boat. Also forty is still so so young please please don't be haunted by your past or weighed down by your future all you will ever have is now!

Such a kind thing to say. Thank you . Yes, you are quite right, many people are in my position, or worse! I really hope mindfulness helps you overcome your anxiety as well.

[Gareth]

Hi you two.

Take a look at these blogs on our site:

http://www.everyday-mindfulness.org/onc ... r-over-me/

http://www.everyday-mindfulness.org/onc ... r-over-me/

http://www.everyday-mindfulness.org/let ... epression/

They might help you.

[Moksha76]

Hi you two.

Take a look at these blogs on our site:

http://www.everyday-mindfulness.org/onc ... r-over-me/

http://www.everyday-mindfulness.org/onc ... r-over-me/

http://www.everyday-mindfulness.org/let ... epression/

They might help you.

Thank you Gareth, I'll take a look.

[OliDoyle]

Hi all,

great thread, and great to read the supportive and helpful comments. Whereabouts do you live Moksha76? Someone on here will probably be able to recommend a teacher near you.

I would echo Jon's words about checking in with your GP if you need.

I haven't read Mark Williams' work but am a big fan of Eckhart Tolle's book The Power of Now and Loving What Is by Byron Katie. They both have a heap of stuff on YouTube so you can check them out before you buy anything.

Eckhart also has a bunch of audio downloads on the Sounds True website, which I also love.

And does it work? Absolutely! But take your time and be gentle with yourself!

Cheers,
Oli

[Moksha76]

Hi all,

great thread, and great to read the supportive and helpful comments. Whereabouts do you live Moksha76? Someone on here will probably be able to recommend a teacher near you.

I would echo Jon's words about checking in with your GP if you need.

I haven't read Mark Williams' work but am a big fan of Eckhart Tolle's book The Power of Now and Loving What Is by Byron Katie. They both have a heap of stuff on YouTube so you can check them out before you buy anything.

Eckhart also has a bunch of audio downloads on the Sounds True website, which I also love.

And does it work? Absolutely! But take your time and be gentle with yourself!

Cheers,
Oli

Thank you Oli- so many kind supportive, people on here. It is very moving

I live in the UK, in south east England (north Essex area).

Mark Williams is an Oxford professor who specialises in mindfulness-based cognitive therapy (I think? better check that!).

Yes, I've read Tolle's Power of Now. I read it years ago, before I'd made any link between anxiety and mindfulness. I find Tolle quite impressive actually. He isn't a New Agey, Californian type. He came out of a different tradition- an older, more sceptical and cynical northern European culture, then university of London, then Cambridge etc. I was also struck by his experience and its similarity to other peak or transformative experiences.

[Happy Buddha]

Hi Moksha, I am sorry to hear about your troubles. It may not be the right time for you to take up mindfulness right now.

Please take at Family Constellations on google and find a good facilitator near you .It is a very safe environment in which to unravel. have a read and if it appeals then perhaps attend a workshop. Sorry I cannot be of more help but it is very good for what you are talking about...be well, Suryacitta

[SheilaB]

Hi Moksha

Having struggled with anxiety myself, I found that a mindfulness approach which emphasised self-compassion was particularly helpful. I've written about my own experiences in a couple of posts for this site. A book I found helpful is Jeffrey Brantley's Calming Your Anxious Mind. At the time I read it, I was also finding it challenging to meditate when feeling anxious.

But having said all that, I would also highlight that my own mindfulness journey began via a CBT therapist who incorporated mindfulness approaches. As has already been mentioned - if you're experiencing severe or debilitating anxiety, it's important to ensure that you get the appropriate therapeutic support. In that scenario, it would be advisable to find a mindfulness teacher who also has the necessary clinical skills and experience to support you (eg a teacher of MBCT who is also trained and practising as psychotherapist or counsellor).

I do hope you manage to find the right support for you at the moment.

Kind wishes,
Sheila