i dont know if meditation can solve my problem

[piedwagtail91]

Same from me pajko.you've taught me a lot. Jon gives good advice which is second.
Mick

[Pajko]

Hi again guys long time no see;). I have been doing better. Every time i can tap into the awareness and just be i learn different things, and i somehow feel like i can experient with the spaciousness/awareness and clarity of perception more, its more mature and it is not as MINDBLOWING as it once was( still is ,but not as much)its experienced in the moment and it cannot be intellectually strived for, although it has happened a time or two. Ive started taking antidepressants and while i at some points fear that this spaciousness is medicin-induced i later understand that it doesnt, because i always feel shit without this spacioussness. So im thinking that if it isnt the anxiety that is the problem then what is it? Its that im so disconnected from my being. Its a lack of sense of self and a lack of self awareness. Im not sure there is a diagnosis for this illness. If i said i feel that im disconnected from myself the doctors would ask " what do you mean?". I'm seeing a shrink though who has helped some ways. He said that i dont relate well to myself and that im constatly kind of in the " exterior world. There is no centredness and things like that. In spiritual language it means that i lack that positive wisdom and that im very ignorant. Sadly its true. When i am in this spaciousness i know that im cool, smart, funny and nice but without the inner compass i cannot explore life. Its a little like this: i see but dont see, i know what is right to do on an intelectuall level but i dont feel it really so i end up not doing it, im awesome in conversations but at the aame time i suck because my emotions and intelect are out of balance. Just a very very weak mind sadly. And i believe only this spaciousness helps. Im very strange..
Its like im not experiencing my life to the maximum. I wouldnt say that im depressed though. Because for me i think its mostly this inner connection problem. That might be depression, but how come all(!) negativity dissapears from me in this spaciousness and i almost become new.

[JonW]

Hi Pajko,
Great to see you back on the forum.
Lovely to hear you're doing better.
All good things,
Jon

[Pajko]

Thank you. Howa ur practice going?

[Pajko]

Hi i have a question whether antidepressants effect the practice in a negative way? I sometimes think about whether my peogress in meditation is natural or if its because of the medicines. I know antidepressants kind of relieve negative emotions to a certain extent. But even without anxiety i kind of feel empty, it is only when i tap into the spacious awareness that i feel presence and a strong self(in a healthy way). Anti depressanta maybe help out with the equanimity?So basically im wondering if progress is due to the practice or medications? I wouldnt like it at all if it wasnt a natural progress.

[JonW]

That's a very difficult question, Pajko.
I'm not sure there's anyone here on the forum who would be qualified to answer it, but I might be wrong about that.
I would say this though. Forget about progress. Mindfulness is not about getting anywhere.
All best,
Jon, Hove

[piedwagtail91]

Does it matter?
Even if they are helping then maybe you'll reach a point that little bit sooner where your doctor says you can slowly cut down?
Then you'll be able to know if they're helping or not.
I wouldn't let it bother you.
Be mindful and accepting of where you are now.
If you feel better then there's no harm in that.
Taking AD's could be seen as giving yourself a more level playing field.

[JonW]

There's a risk in being overeager about meditation. The feeling might creep in that we want to get something out of it and run with it. We want results.
When anyone asks me how my meditation is going, I sometimes tell them, "I don't know. I'll find out the next time I meditate."
In truth, of course, it's all a meditation.
Jon & Banjo

[Pajko]

Yeah guys its true maybe it doesnt matter. But yeah the problem seems to be that i cant handle it properly sadly. In the past couple of days i have been able to get into awareness and really be. When the thought of my previous post hit me i feelt some kind of fear which i havent been able to figure out. Earlier i kind of could see the bigger picture easier but after that fear struck me ive been very single minded. Earlier i could also always comfort myself that i have meditation and it gave me some comfort. But now the same thought doesnt work. I dont know if the meds maybe stopped working, or if its some mind state which arose with the medititation, i doubt the later though. I am very confused. Sorry for a messy post.

[Pajko]

Hi. Do you guys ever feel like you havent meditated in your whole life? Like all the momentum vanishes?