How to become less reactive using mindfulness

[rabbitgirl]

HI,
I am new to mindfulness . I am so glad I found this forum as people are so knowledgeable in the area of mindfulness and I found that I have learnt so much just from reading the posts. I have a question on how to apply mindfulness in everyday life which I was hoping that people can shed some lights on:
How can we use mindfulness to help ourselves to become less "reactive"? Do we just breathe through the strong "emotions" and "thoughts"? A lot of time it is easy to get so carried away by the strong emotions and thoughts. Can somebody give me some guidelines?
thanks!

[JonW]

Hi rabbitgirl,
Welcome to the forum.
Your question is an excellent one and goes right to the heart of what mindfulness is about.
With practice, we can become less reactive (to thoughts, feelings and situations) and more naturally responsive. Mindfulness practice teaches us to find that space from which we are able to respond from.
All this and more is explored in Finding Peace In A Frantic World by Mark Williams and Danny Penman. The book takes you through an 8-week course and should give you a firm grounding in the practice. It comes with a CD of guided meditations.
You might also look out for 8-week courses in your area.
In the meantime, please feel free to stick around here, ask any questions that arise, and explore some of the many conversation threads on the forum.
All good things,
Jon, Hove

[rabbitgirl]

thanks Jon for your response. I think you have answered my question really well. As I practice mindfulness more, i will naturally become more responsive. It's not a process that i can "manufacture" but it's a process that comes naturally as i practice mindfulness more and more.
Will check out the book that you recommended .

[Gareth]

As Jon says, practice is the key thing here.

You will will find that your ability to find that space will improve with time and continued practice.

[jdandre]

Hi rabbitgirl, what you ask is the million dollar question!

I actually wrote an article addressing this subject. Since Gareth has tweeted it on the Everyday-Mindfulness Twitter account, I think he'll be ok with me posting the link here - Applying meditation: mindfulness is the other half of the equation.

After you read, come back here with comments, questions, or requests for clarification. I'm happy to continue the conversation!

[SheilaB]

Hi rabbitgirl,

Your question prompted some great answers, thanks for posting it!

I think there's also a lot of value initially in just becoming more aware of our reactive habits, without judging ourselves when we fall into them.

Most of us have built up reactive strategies which have served us in some way, but maybe aren't always how we'd like to behave.

Beginning to see our patterns more clearly can be a real opportunity for self-compassion, while we're waiting for mindfulness to 'kick in' and help us choose other responses. As the guys have said above, over time this is kind of a natural side-effect of meditation.

Glad you've begun to explore this side of your practice

Sheila

[rabbitgirl]

thanks all for your responses .

Gereth, totally agree with you. I believe that practice is the key and we can naturally become more responsive as we practice more.

Jdandre, thanks for pointing me to your article. I like the way you explained the concept. Though I found the suggestion of pausing throughout the day to "observe" if we are lost in thoughts not very applicable to my situations/personality (though I am sure that other people of different personality may find it very useful) as it seems that i would have to work really hard which makes the whole process of mindfulness very stressful. Not sure if you know what i mean but if I am always making sure that I am not lost in thought, then my mind would get really busy "monitoring" my thoughts all the time.

Sheila, your response was timely . I found myself over-reacting to a couple of situations that happened recently and I fell into the trap of blaming, judging myself (I found myself saying "I have failed again. I was doing so well of not over-reacting and here it goes, i am back to square one"). You are so right that we need to be kind to ourselves and accept that it is going to take some time for mindfulness to "kick in" and sometimes we will fall back to our old pattern of being reactive due to all sorts of reasons (e.g. physically tired, trigger by certain people/situations etc) . After all, we are all imperfect human beings and just coz we know/understand/practice mindfulness, it doesn't mean that we will never ever react again.

[mostlymindfulmommy]

Such a great question

Being able to bring myself to the present moment and observe not just myself, but others when I am not being triggered has given me lots of insight that helps when I am wanting to react.

Let me try to give an example. It's extremely important to my husband that when he says dinner is ready, everyone show up in the kitchen within about 5 seconds. If this does not happen, you can hear the agitation already in his voice when he has to repeat it. My mother could not care less how quickly people respond to her, and is perfectly happy sitting down and beginning to eat if others don't show up.

Continued observations of how it's not the situation as much as our own personal histories and backgrounds, insecurities, etc. that cause us to react have begun to solidify in my brain what a reaction really is (where in the past I thought I had to follow that feeling through just because it was there). Once that began to sink in, I found it easier to interrupt myself between the initial feeling/reaction and any expression of it to think "Hm, fascinating. I wonder why I'm reacting so strongly to this?"

Sometimes this provides an immediate answer, sometimes it doesn't. But the pause always allows me the chance to react more mindfully. And in the cases when I do get an immediate answer (such as, "oh, it's that only child part of me that has a problem feeling left out") I can share it with the other person so they can understand why I might be reacting to something differently than they would.

Begin viewing yourself with scientific curiosity, and you will learn amazing things! I also find that view helps me separate me as "the observer" from me "the ego" much easier.

[KathleenH]

I had that exact same experience about half an hour ago.

I don't like speaking on the phone and I had to call someone back, but I stopped myself mid thought and said to myself, 'why are you feeling like this? You know you don't have to react in the same way as always, you can just take the call as if it is nothing'. Which I did and it felt so liberating.

I love mindfulness

[rabbitgirl]

thanks Katy for your excellent example which illustrates the point really well