Afraid I'm losing my mojo

[1Daveatatime]

I'm someone who has always dealt with depression and anxiety in various amounts. It is part of why I found meditation and started this practice nine and a half months ago. I have, surprisingly to even myself, been VERY diligent about practicing every day, for at least 30 minutes, but more often 40+. I think I may have skipped only 7 or so days, total.

Two of those days that I've skipped meditating have been in the past week. I've been in a particularly difficult bout of depression, and it has been so hard to focus. Three other times in the past week I have stopped in the middle of a meditation, completely frustrated with a feeling of intense anger, at myself.

I'm afraid I'm losing my "faith," for lack of a better word, for the process. Part of what keeps going through my brain during my sits, much the way I think about a lot of life when especially down, are things like "what's the point?" and "you're wasting your time with this foolishness, you idiot," etc - ad nauseam.

I've put a lot of hard work into my practice and I don't want to lose it. But some of the time, lately, it feels as if I almost can't afford to make myself feel even worse than I already do by starting and sort of freaking out during it, thus ending the sit.

Any words of advice? Thanks.

Dave

[JonW]

Hi Dave,
It happens to the best of us. Try not to give yourself a hard time about it.
Maybe it's time to refreshen your practice. Throw in some long (45 minute) body scans, some mindful movement (light yoga), some mindful walking etc.
Also, plug yourself back in with some reading. Jon Kabat-Zinn's Coming To Our Senses is highly recommended.
Meanwhile, stick around the forum and soak up some of the inspiration on here. We're here to help and advise in whatever way we can.
All good things,
Jon, Hove

[Gareth]

I wish you well Dave, in what must be a difficult time.

I'll give this topic some shouts soon, to see if others have experienced what you're going through.

[jdandre]

Hi Dave, sorry about your mojo baby (said in my best Austin Powers' voice).

What you are experiencing is common - it eventually affects most people who practice regardless of whether they suffer from depression. So, know that it's not "just you."

My advice is this - all the doubt, anger, and questioning of your practice is simply your mind doing what it does. Treat it like any other thoughts and emotions you encounter as you meditate: observe it, don't get caught up in it, and return to your anchor/point of focus (breath, mantra).

You are reversing a lifetime of conditioning - conditioning that, up until now, has you following your mind wherever it leads without much question. The good news is, you've turned your attention on your mind for almost 10 months, which is excellent. But, it's a process - not a switch you flip. And, it's a new way of "being," not just an exercise to deliver a specific set of results. So, keep at it.

One last thing - don't be too hard on yourself. Or, rather, become aware of the tendency to be hard on yourself and let it go. Judgment, especially self-judgment, is a tool that the mind utilizes well. "It's not working," "You're not doing it right," "It's making things worse," "You could be doing [this or that] instead." As with my earlier advice, treat it like any other thoughts or emotions.

[piedwagtail91]

Are you accepting the depression or are you trying to meditate out of it?
Accepting depression especially if you've been relatively free from it can feel like a real setback, and be very difficult.
My own recent experience is a very difficult 12 months with 9 weeks of severe depression with a lot of suicidal thoughts during those 9 weeks.
It was a third relapse since 2011.

This time was different. I've always struggled to understand or feel the depression.
But this time I don't try to understand it, I accepted it and did nothing .I just let it be. I felt if i tried to get out of it ( tried to get back to where I was a few weeks previously, which is impossible) then I'd just make it worse.

But by accepting the 'life stucked out of me' sensations and the low mood I found that things picked up far quicker.
9 weeks felt like a lifetime but it being weeks was far better than the months it used to last.
Like you I found it very frustrating. I felt like giving up.
Somedays meditation felt pointless and mechanical. Somedays I gave up and went for a walk.
I didn't know if taking this approach would help.
sometimes I was sure it wouldn't.
I got a lot of help from a handful of close friends and eventually things started to lift.
Try jons suggestions. Yoga is meditation, that was one thing I didn't avoid. practicing it though was difficult.

don't be hard on yourself, things are difficult enough.
don't try to get things back to how they were, those days are in the past and it'll lead to failure.
its difficult but acceptance of the depression and all it brings is the fastest and least painful way out of it.

Try to do some form of meditation every day .
it doesn't have to be sitting it could even be mindful washing up!
try different meditation every day, walking, movement, watching it rain ; ) don't feel you have to force yourself to sit for long periods hoping it'll help.
Maybe shorter sessions 2 or 3 times a day may help?
Listen to your body not your mind.
Go easy on yourself and just be aware of negative thoughts, letting them go.

Keep in touch with the forum, the encouragement will help.
To borrow a Mark Williams quote " motivation works backwards in depression".
Try to do something each day without expectation , it may seem pointless at first but it will help.
Mick

[FeeHutch]

I can't really add to the excellent posts above. I'm in a difficult place with depression myself right now. My best friend (who has her own experiences with depression) was talking to me earlier. She likened depression to an annoying cough, if you let it be eventually you'll notice you've not coughed for a while. I get what she means, it's as Mick says, just let it be for a while and see what happens.

Some days just noticing how difficult it feels to sit is the best I can do and that is something in itself. Be kind to yourself, keep talking to us, there are so many of us here who can empathise with your experience.

[piedwagtail91]

Stay with it fee.
It'll pass.
I think part of what I said may need some clarification.
When I said I did nothing,well maybe that's not strictly true.
This time with the depression I feel I experienced it more as an observer rather than as a participant.
Hope that makes sense.

[FeeHutch]

Yes it does, thank you

[1Daveatatime]

Geez, don't I feel like a jerk - haven't checked this thread since I asked for help... until tonight. I I think part of me was almost afraid to read the good advice because that same part of me wanted to give up and not be helped.

But I have now caught up on all your very wise words. It's really heartening to see that people care about a stranger. And all of the advice is good. I haven't quit my practice, but I have definitely taken a few days off. Trying to get back on track. My depression is still hanging around like a lead weight. It's extremely difficult. But I know If I give up, it'll just be more ammo for my mean-spirited mind to use against me. That sounds really mental, I realize.

I have very much *tried* to accept my depression, but that is easier said than done. Sometimes I feel like I can somewhat, but other times that incessant negative voice of doom just wins. Often, lately.

And as far as the non-expectation conundrum, I don't know how people avoid getting stuck on that sometimes. Maybe they don't. But, obviously we find meditation to try to mitigate suffering, then learn that that very striving is, itself, detrimental. So we strive to accept and to not strive. But secretly (and sometimes not so secretly), in the back of our little minds, the original striving is there... to suffer less.

I'm just rambling. But this is some of the stuff that literally keeps me up at night.

I'm keeping at it. Thanks for the support. Really.

Dave

[Matt Y]

Glad to hear you checked back in Dave. I hadn't responded to your initial post because there were plenty of other good replies.

You're right. It can be a lot to ask oneself to accept depression (or any painful experience). Keep in mind that you don't have to accept it all at once. Acceptance might be better thought of as a process. What you may be able to do is tolerate the thoughts and emotions that come along with depressive episodes a little more than you would normally. You can be a little more curious and interested in them. Rather than telling them to rack off, you can invite them in for a cuppa tea; have a little chat for a while.

And even though your mind might be doing its best to work against you at times, you can extend some kindness even to that part of yourself. You break self-criticism by learning how to relate in a friendlier way to your own thoughts and feelings.