i dont know if meditation can solve my problem

[JonW]

It takes time to ground oneself in mindfulness, Pajko. At this early stage I wouldn't worry too much about what Buddhism has to say about personality disorders.
Patience, practice. Patience, practice. Self-compassion, compassion. Patience, practice...
Jon

[piedwagtail91]

you really need to let go, you have too many labels that you're hanging on to.
in your post you're jumping from label to label, let them go they don't work as lifebelts, just the opposite..
in mindfulness you learn that you're not your thoughts.
if you're thinking, you're either in the past or future you can only experience or 'be' in the present, the 'now'.
if you want to take the buddhist view then you need to lose your attachment to various shades of ego which are dominating your life.
i believe ego's seen as the cause of a lot of problems and is something better lost.

my personality, which i wouldn't call a disorder even thought the americans tried to classify it as one, is very, very introvert.
i find it difficult to talk to people, i hardly ever make eye contact , unless i'm working or with the group who i know and trust anyway.
i can't do the 'small talk' that most people do.
the group accepted that. at the first session there was a lot of talk about how i was going to talk for 2 hours and lot of mickey taking after when i'd done it, thats how i am even with people i know.
i've listened and people seem to talk about nothing of value most of the time.
that's not something i see as a problem now. -sorry that's how it is, no offence intended to any extroverts out there , if there is something to say then usually i'll say it
i've accepted that this is how i am.but I don't let it define me.
yeh , i can sit in front of a big group and do a powerpoint presentation, i can teach a small group but i can't do one to one with a stranger.
i've accepted that.
it's not a disorder.
though i could make it one by thinking about it and believing those thoughts.
i've just been reading (the power of now, eckhart tolle) that there are no difficulties or problems in life, but there are situations.
situations that can only become problems when thoughts are added.
if you can fix a situation then it doesn't become a problem. if you can't fix it then you have to accept it and so it doesn't become a problem.

thoughts are very powerful, it's the thoughts that create illusions , which if we go far enough with them appear true.
most of the time they're not.

sorry , but most of your post appears to be thoughts or conditions you feel you have to meet before things are right.
the right time is 'now', however it is.
mindfulness is observing all that not participating in it.
being with difficulties or thoughts can be used as a meditation in it's own right - the turning towards difficulty mentioned earlier in the thread.
a course with a teacher would make this a little clearer.

mindfulness is the silence behind all those thoughts.

"The key to transformation is to make friends with this moment. What form it takes doesn't matter. Say yes to it. Allow it. Be with it." (Guardians of Being)

[JonW]

Excellent post, Mick.
I agree 100%.
Jon

[piedwagtail91]

Thanks jon. Wasn't sure if I'd maybe gone too Buddhist

[JonW]

Your posts are always spot on, Mick, and always appreciated.
I feel we've got just the right amount of Buddhism here on the forum. It's occasionally referenced directly, sometimes implied, never too overt.
I'm with JKZ on this. No harm in acknowledging where mindfulness originates, fine to reference it when necessary but, ultimately, the important thing is that mindfulness should be open to everyone.
To be honest, I'd probably become a Buddhist if I didn't have an aversion to joining a group. Then again I still consider myself a punk and can still, very occasionally, manage to pogo to The Ramones' first album.

[piedwagtail91]

Thanks again Jon. Pogo

[Pajko]

Yeah mick that was a great post and youre right! Both the labeling pArt and that i need to be in a state . I have a difficulty accept difficult feelings. Its just that what i have recently experienced in my practice is that when i let go(accept the present moment) all suffering dissapears. So when it doesnt happen i automatically know that im doing it wrong. I dont think i can ever grasp mindfullness intelectually. It must be felt i feel. But you made me interested in the first part that my post was full of labelings. Ive never thought off it. I can see how it all now kind of comes from "external sources", like i somehow just write with ive heard it is, but its not truelly authentic. Hmm. Do you know perhaps what this could mean in an "awareness" point of view?. Again, im very different in that sense when i let go. I become much more authentic. I must say. Meditation has a little scare factor in in the way it opens us up. And by the way all of you guys that take time to help are nice!. I cant appreciety it fully always, but i always try to think of the things u guys do for me,even if i sometimes just ask question after question.

[piedwagtail91]

hi Pajko,
thanks for seeing it this way.
i didn't know whether or not i was a little harsh in places.
when things don't go as planned in meditation it doesn't mean you're meditating wrongly it means you're going in with expectations.
that's never a good thing as meditation WILL be different every time. it doesn't make it a bad meditation , just a different one.
when you can be with that without judging it as wrong in some way then that's acceptance.

that's the beauty of a course, a teacher would have picked up on the labels and talked about it with you.
it's something you're not aware of til it's pointed out, or you become aware of it, possibly in meditation.
try to let go of being authentic and just 'be'.

authentic - to me- implies that you're trying to be a certain way and you don't need to be.
you can just be yourself as you are in that moment, no more , no less.
you don't have to live up to anything (ego) just be as you are without judgement.

don't worry about the questions, you have to learn somewhere and there are a lot of experienced people on here.
that's all we're doing, sharing experience.
the beauty of that is , as we're all different we all see things slightly differently so you can get several ways of seeing the same thing.

your post 'feels' a lot calmer.
mick

[Pajko]

I understand. Hehe thank you. Btw, letting go and mindfullness are they the same things? As in ,is it possible to be mindfull without accepting, and instead being self critical, would that help anything at at all? I know that meditation makes us feel more equanimity and compassion, is this the same as "letting go". The reason i ask is because, sure i can be aware of what am doing, but not in any sense letting go/ accepting.

[Pajko]

And about the striving part. I think that will always be an issue, because i know when i see without illusions and when i percieve things "wrong". You know what i mean?