Confused about dealing with thoughts/feelings

[tessari]

Hi all, this is my first post and I am so glad I found this wonderful forum. I have read a lot about mindfulness and did as much as I could of the FPIAFW course given that I am the primary caregiver to an infant and toddler. I only have about 10 free minutes a day to meditate but try to make the most of it and practice mindfulness when spending time with the kids and doing household activities.

I have done a lot of reading about mindfulness and I am stuck on how to approach unhelpful thoughts and feelings that can take over. On the one hand, I read about observing thoughts & feelings, defusing, etc. but then on the other hand I read about not suppressing or avoiding feelings/thoughts and exploring them. How do you explore or allow in a thought/feeling without getting caught up in it? Do you wait until you are in a calmer state to do so? What is the mindful approach to this paradox?

Thanks so much for any advice.

[Jaizkibel]

Welcome, tessari! I think the key is to observe them, but without judging them as good or bad. When you don't judge them as bad, they're probably go away the same way they came to your mind. Besides, if you feel you're getting caught up in them, you'll always have your breath, of anything you're taking as an object to focus on. Gently get your attention back to it and you'll be fine.

When a thought get in my head while I'm meditating, I usually realize it's related to the past of to the future. These feelings are the ones which make me feel stressed or overwhelmed, so I bring my focus back to my breath and let them go, without being too hard on myself for letting my mind wander. Anyway, that's what minds do, they wander! We cannot change it, we can change the way we react when we're aware our mind is wandering though. On the other hand, if I notice my attention has gone to, for example, a sound that is happening in the present moment, I might let myself use it as an anchor for my meditation setting. As long as I'm paying attention to it on purpose that's fine.

I hope it helped!

[Matt Y]

Hi tessari,

That's a really great question:

How do you explore or allow in a thought/feeling without getting caught up in it? Do you wait until you are in a calmer state to do so? What is the mindful approach to this paradox?

With respect to your question, my view is that it's often not possible to explore a thought or feeling without getting caught up in it. As you say, it's a bit of a paradox, because if you wait until you're in a calmer state, then the thought that was bothering you may not arise at all! At the very least, you'll probably find that it doesn't have quite the same charge, in which case, you'll be exploring a thought that is different, from the original one, in some ways.

This is the problem — or paradox — with trying to maintain 'present moment' mindfulness. As soon as you come back to the breath you're engaging in a form of suppression. You are mindful of the breath yes, but you are not mindful of your thoughts. You are mindful of part of the present, (the breath), but not all of it, and by engaging in this strategy you are probably changing the way both your respiration and thinking unfolds.

So what to do? I suggest that you don't come back to the breath (unless you feel completely overwhelmed by your thoughts or emotions). Instead, let the thinking go on for a while. By giving thoughts a chance to proceed as they normally would, you might start to pick up some more details about them. You might also start to notice, quite naturally, what's going on in your body, and what's happening to your breath ; but you won't have done this deliberately, but rather, as part of a more natural process. Then, following your meditation, take some time to see what you can remember. It's very helpful to actually write down, or journal, about the things you can recollect: how long did the thinking go on, did it seem particularly insistent or compelling, did you find yourself tensing up as the thought progressed, did you become more or less identified with the thought as you sat, did the thoughts seem elusive, or did they seem sticky, did they fade away naturally, was it as though you were hearing a voice or were there images and memories flashing through your mind?

In this way you build up your awareness. You get a better picture of how thoughts come to arise and pass and how they effect the body. You also discover the ways you fuel, or perpetuate thoughts, and how that at times you might relate to your thoughts and feelings in ways that make them seem less troublesome.

[tessari]

Thank you both so much for your thoughtful replies!

Jaizkibel--it's so true that thoughts are often related to the past or future, when I used this concept over the past couple days I found it's easier to not get swallowed up by the thought.

Matt--exactly, I feel that at times when I defuse from the thought I just suppress it and I feel that I am denying a part of my "present moment" which is a great tool to have when I am feeling overwhelmed but I worry about not dealing with difficult thoughts by letting them go too quickly. I will work on discerning which thoughts are just beating myself up and which thoughts are worth exploring.

[Gareth]

Take a look at this great topic too, I think it might help you:

viewtopic.php?f=3&t=4136