This might sound a little simplistic, or somehow stupid, but I meant meditating has become one of the basic actions in my life. Did it become essential the first day I did it? Did I finish my first meditation session thinking to myself "wow, I want to do this everyday for the rest of my life"? Gosh, of course not. I've struggled with it, the same way I've struggled with many other things, but I can say it is absolutely essential for me nowadays and that everything changed since it became essential.
There were many things I wanted to change when I found meditation. Things about myself I didn't like at all, how I reacted when anything happened. I was stressed for no particular reason, not in a good mood... and somehow I felt like meditation might help me with that.
At first, I didn't know where to start. This curious mind of mine made me read lots of information on meditation, books, websites, I talked to people about it and, the more information I had, the more confused I was. It was like... "is Zen meditation what I need? If so, do I need to practice it in any particular place? will it hurt if I do it wrong? or... wait, is Vipassana better? Should I count my breath this way?" I also used to be hard on myself when I wasn't able to focus on my breath and if I saw my mind wandering. I though I'd never be able to meditate properly (I don't think there's a wrong way to meditate now). Plus, I was scared because I'm a pragmatic person and not religious at all, and I felt like I needed to embrace a religion in order to meditate. You may think I was stupid and you'll probably be right, but that's just the way I felt back then.
I've always been a runner, so I also read about "running meditation". I tried to do it also while I was driving, working... until I realized I wasn't really meditating, I was actually running, driving or working. I told myself I needed to sit and meditate, just sit and see what happened without thinking about it too much. Everything changed.
Now that time has gone by, I luckily see things way different. The struggle went on but little by little things started falling into place. Now I know all that information I read helped me find my way, so I don't regret it. The point is I finally realized WHY I needed to meditate, and that was more important than HOW I needed to do it. So, this is how I see it now...
I want a mindful way of being in the world and living my life. I want this peace of mind to guide my decisions and I don't want to walk on autopilot mode.
Sitting to meditate lets me feel that ease and peace of mind, lets me step back and look at myself and my thoughts as if I was a watcher, without judging. It lets me feel like things are happening slower somehow and I find myself being able to not react the way I used to, but find the proper way to deal with things.
Once I'm done with my meditation session, I try to apply that state of consciousness and awareness to my everyday life. No matter if I'm working, writing, eating, talking to someone or doing nothing. I could say meditation is some kind of a workout to live better and make better decisions.
My meditation is completely secular. I don't do it to trascend or to find anything divine or higher. I do it, simply put, to be completely aware of what happens and what I think, observe everything without judging and act properly, to make compassionate and peaceful choices.
Looking at the bright side, I was so worried trying to know if I was meditating properly, that I wasn't thinking too much about my goals. Now, I can say it was perfect. I believe you shouldn't have any particular goal in mind when you decide to meditate. You shouldn't say "I'll sit for 30 minutes everyday and in a month I won't know what stress is anymore". That's not the right approach. Of course I'm not as stressed as I used to be (thankfully!), but you should just sit because you feel the need to sit, not because you want to achieve something. With time, you'll see the results whether you want it or not. Does this mean I don't struggle with anything now? I wish! I'll always struggle, but at least I do it better
Today, if someone asked me what kind of meditation I practice, I'd probably answer that I don't know but I don't care too much either. I respect all kind of methods, deeply, but I got to a point where I found the way that works for me. I practice mindfulness and awareness without any extra labels on it.
Are there better ways to meditate? I'm sure. Would some people think I'm not doing it properly? I can bet, I'm not worried about it though. If I see myself much better and love what I do, there's no way I'm doing it too wrong, right?
(If you were able to read all of this... geez, I can't thank you enough!!)
