Going backwards...

[paulpsych]

"I can't do it and it doesn't work."

It seems to me you are very aware of your emotions. That IS mindfulness. Mindfulness isn't always pleasurable, but it always gives you insight. You are recognising how you are feeling which is the first step in being able to affect change. That will come.

[watson2182]

hi isabel good thing you join here in mindfulness community.

we are always here to listen to you.

[Isabel]

I guess my ability to be mindful of all the horrible feelings in my body somehow turned back into a feeling I needed to tolerate them. I'm angry at mindfulness and the people who brought it to me. I'm angry at my body for not allowing me to do what I need to. I'm angry at my boyfriend, my parents and myself. I just want to feel ok, comfortable and safe. Blah blah blah blah.

[piedwagtail91]

keep feeling the anger, don't fight it.
feeling it/experiencing it is the best way to let it fade and find that calm that you want to experience.
fighting it will only prolong things.
it's like pouring petrol on a fire, the more petrol the stronger the fire and longer it burns.
if you can let go of your thoughts about it and 'feel' the anger in your body it's like starving the fire of that petrol/fuel and it'll fade and go out much more quickly.
don't push it away or try to block it out.
try not to get involved with it in the thoughts sense.
you're really underestimating your mindfulness skills, you're so aware.
mick

[FeeHutch]

Hello
I'm glad you found the forum and are able to tell us how it's going for you. I agree with Paul, you are being very mindful and aware of what's going on for you. That's not always pleasant or easy to handle. If it does feel too much right now then take a step back. Mindfulness isn't about success or failure.

[Isabel]

I am aware often. People have told me that. The extremes of anxiety at present stop me from being able to do anything because the physical feeling is so overwhelming... and often it's coming from (hopefully) unnecessary ideas.... for example that my parents or boyfriend are going to desert me, that I will be unable to make new friends or find a job I like. I feel more confused than ever at some moments. It's like my good and bad coping strategies have all got mixed in together and it makes the anxiety feel more dangerous than ever. I want to cut off from my boyfriend which is what I always used to do to manage my anxiety about him and focus on something else causing anxiety. I have been avoiding doing packing and I hadn't really realised it until now, usually (pre-mindfulness) I'd be more aware that was what was happening. This is very hard move for me. I've wanted to do it for a long time and I've had quite a nice life in the last year compared to preceding years but I want to make it easier and be closer to the people I care for. Naturally, for me, all the anxieties about those people have got very wound up and my lack of mindfulness practice I suppose has not helped me manage them. I find when I try to practice now the gaps between focusing my attention are larger than they were when I'd done it for eight weeks. So, I've given myself the very hard task of moving home at the same time as getting back into this practice. I really need to forgive myself for that and just get on with it.

[Gareth]

Yes, it's very important that you don't use mindfulness as a stick to beat yourself with.

[Isabel]

I woke in the middle of the night finding myself sitting upright saying/realising 'I don't want to die' 'What is the point in living if I am just going to die?'
This has happened before but not for a while. It's horrible.

[piedwagtail91]

it is a horrible 'thought' but a true one, we are all going to die.
there's not escape.
no amount of striving or worry will prevent it.
part of finding inner peace is about accepting that and living in each moment, in each day, not projecting into the unknown future and worrying about it.
easier said than done if you're in the middle of an anxiety attack, but until it does happen then in this case it is just a thought.
there is lots to live for, look at the little things, the sun coming up, the flowers opening, the clouds moving across the sky.
is it possible to attach your thought to a cloud and let it drift away?

[Isabel]

I'm not really on board with the clouds but I can see it as a thought or experience I don't need to hold on to. Well I can now. When I'm stuck, I'm stuck and it's very, well, stuck. It's sad I've spent so much of my life in such a way.