Week 5 - turning towards difficulties

[davebhoy]

Hello everyone

My first post on this great-looking forum.

I am just starting week 5 of the 8 week mindfulness course and am being encouraged to turn towards troublesome feelings, thoughts and experiences. I have suffered from Chronic Fatigue Syndrome for nearly twenty years and I have become aware that the anxiety that seems to perpetuate my condition stems in a large part from a terror of being tired or unwell. As soon as I become aware of tiredness and, in particular, exhaustion I become anxious, angry and have feelings of helplessness. Any form of mental or physical tiredness or weakness has me spinning out.

Am I correct in thinking these are exactly the sort of experiences, thoughts and feelings that I should be turning my attention to instead of fighting against at this moment. In my practice today, the first of week 5, I did start, accepting that my reaction to tiredness was my mind doing what i thought was best to protect me from danger (the danger of being exhausted, vulnerable and stupid), but I found myself becoming upset and uneasy. It doesn't feel right, it feels very uncomfortable.

I have done the 8 week course as part of a group but I am revisiting using the audiobook of Michael Chaskalson's "Mindfulness in eight weeks," and Mark Williams and Danny Penman's "Mindfulness." Both are really good and work well together.

Thanks in advance for any replies

[Matt Y]

Hi Dave,

That turn towards the more troublesome thoughts and feelings is perhaps the most essential part of the journey into mindfulness. Of course, it's also a very counter-intuitive turn, but yes, you are exactly right in thinking that the types of experiences you've described above are the sort you'll want to begin turning towards. If you find yourself becoming upset and uneasy, you can turn towards those feelings too. Accepting them can be a big step; but you might see if you can be a bit more interested in them. Adopt an attitude of curiosity, and see if you can tolerate them for a bit longer than you normally would.

Keep in mind that you don't have to master these feelings. You're just endeavouring to become more familiar with them. Nor do you have to go looking for discomfort. You can just meditate with the intention of 'being with' whatever comes up. If nothing uncomfortable comes up, good! If something uncomfortable comes up, good!

Finally, remember to be gentle, kind and patient with yourself in the process. If the discomfort becomes overwhelming, take a break, or do something that you find calming or relaxing.

Let us know how you go...

[piedwagtail91]

agreeing with what matt y says,
when you settle down to practice it could take some time and many sittings to be with those emotions.
letting go of the thoughts and keeping returning to the body may be frustrating at first but eventually it'll bring a sense of calm.
by resting your awareness on the sensations of those emotions you give the thoughts about them and your situation less mindspace, which does help take away some of the thoughts hold, by keeping letting the thoughts go and returning to the body sensations, the thoughts lose more of their hold and begin to fade.
i agree with matt y on this , i feel week five brings together all the skills you learn during the first 4 weeks.
be with whatever comes up , without judgement and with as much compassion as you can.
purely by chance i've been reading an online book. i'll apologise in advance to anyone i upset by saying it's Buddhism , but this link seems pretty relevant!
http://www.insightmeditationcenter.org/books-articles/the-issue-at-hand/en/15/
hope it may help.
mick

[davebhoy]

Thanks Matt, thanks Mick (I'm sure there's a joke in there somewhere)

I tried yesterday to turn towards some very longstanding troublesome thoughts and found myself getting very upset very quickly. I've had a day off today but I'll practice again tomorrow being mindful of everything you have said.

I'll be back on soon

And thank you for the link

Dave

[piedwagtail91]

Don't let getting upset bother you too much. It can be a great release. a good place to start. " tears are words the heart can't express". It does get easier as you settle into the practice.

[Gareth]

Matt has given you some great advice there; there's not much that I would add.

Yes, a core attitude of mindfulness is extending the welcome mat to difficult thoughts and emotions, but this is a very difficult and counter-intuitive thing to get your head around. Particularly as you set out with your practice. Go real easy on yourself, and take some time to let some of these things sink in. It's important to keep meditating I would say, if you are able.

We will always be here to help out where we can.

[SheilaB]

Hi Dave,

I wonder if you've read the book Mindfulness for Health by Vidyamala Burch? It's also an 8-week course, specifically for those with health conditions, and some of what you've mentioned reminds me of what's covered.

It's an approach that's strongly infused with compassion, and first-hand understanding of what 'turning towards' can mean for those living with illness.

Wishing you well with your exploration,
Sheila

[davebhoy]

Hi Sheila

Thanks very much - I did buy that book for my kindle a few weeks ago, the reviews certainly made it seem like a book that would be very helpful. I have begun to realise how my thoughts of shame and anger towards ill-health and fatigue have been affecting me a lot for a very long time. As with many other thoughts, feelings and emotions, mindfulness training has helped me understand this much better, another one of those things that I thought everyone else dealt with and had the same feelings towards as me.

I want to complete the 8 week course I am doing, I'm about to start week 6, and then I will definitely be starting Vidyama Burch's book

[davebhoy]

To update on my progress with the practice and difficulties, I finished the week of practice last wednesday. I did more than the week and then took a break from practice entirely Thursday Friday Saturday. I have done some of the week 5 practice again today. I was away at a Fiesta in Spain so not only did I not do my practice, I also drank a lot of alcohol and didn't sleep much, yesterday and today I was extremely anxious and quite paranoid but thats what happens when I do that.

After the first couple of practice sessions where I got quite upset I, it didn't happen again to nearly the same level. I actually finished the week (or week and a half that it was in the end) thinking that I either was doing something "wrong" or that the practice hadn't been as effective as other weeks. I didn't feel that a half an hour four times was enough given the difficulties. Compared to previous weeks I can feel the difference between thoughts and emotions and "reality" - i was more able to deal with the anxiety and paranoia - but is this just a product of continuing with the practice?

I feel the urge to carry my practice over to outside the timed practice sessions - I'm actually catching unhelpful thoughts, and trying to bring myself back into the present when I drift away from it. I am very aware of a lack of compassion in the way I can be at times, I'm very hard on myself and can easily fall into the trap of bashing away at things instead of doing it with gentle compassion.

I did some week 5 practice today, I will probably start on week 6 tomorrow

[JonW]

Hi davebhoy,
It sounds like you're making good progress.
Questions like "am I doing it right?" will arise during the course and beyond. They are, of course, just more thoughts.
It's hard to shake that habit of striving to get somewhere. Mindfulness isn't about getting anywhere. It's about being right here, with our thoughts, our feelings.
Meditation can be a challenge after a spell of drinking and not sleeping too well. I've long since realised that there's little point in meditating after a long night on the tiles. Dealing with the hangover is more than enough of a challenge.
Jon Kabat-Zinn recommends, nay insists on 45 minutes a day formal practice during the 8-week course. Other teachers suggest less. Some teachers leave it to the meditator to decide. Whatever feels right for you - that would be my suggestion.
I look forward to hearing how you're progressing with the practice.
All good things,
Jon, Hove