Being very quiet when mindful

[Adamm]

Hi!
For the past few years I have been suffering from social anxiety, which resulted in blushing phobia (erytrophobia), probbably depression, shyness. Anyway after about 6 and reading tons of books, articles, meditation and practicing mindfulness I can controll it. I can watch my thoughts and control my anxietys very well. I can reach peacefull state, but the problem is I am very quiet.

So lets say, I am with my friend, I can control emotion of not having anything to say, which in the past would lead me to a lot of stress. But when I am at peace I talk very little. I just sit there observe and do not feel the need to talk. Thats not very good, because I cannot connect with people and I do not really feel the need to talk. I am very passive.

It is strange because I think I am at my natural peacefull state, but on the other hand I know that talking more and being more social would lead me to more happiness and more opportunities.

I do not know if that whole story makes sense or it has anything to do with the question, but why do not I feel the need to socialize? How can I talk more? How can I be more interest in other people?

[JonW]

Hi Adamm,
Welcome to the forum.
I suffered from erytrophobia throughout my teens and into my early twenties. I know how debilitating it can be.
You say that you know that talking more and being more social would lead you to more happiness and more opportunities. I suspect that this way of thinking is the cause of much of your anxiety. Rather than being with what is in the moment, you are anticipating another moment entirely, one where you feel completely at ease.
It would be helpful to get some idea of your mindfulness practice. Have you done the 8-week course? Do you have a daily meditation routine? If so, what kind of meditation(s) do you do?
We're a friendly bunch on this forum and will do all we can to help and advise. So do stick around.
All good things,
Jon Hove

[piedwagtail91]

i have or had a similar problem. then i just accepted that i didn't have much to say and was wasn't going to try to force myself to make conversation.
i accepted that i'm a 'quiet' person.
life got much easier.
i feel it's now a case of 'this is me, i'm not being anti social, i'm being myself. take it or leave it'.
if people want to talk them i'm ok with that and do take part.
we're all different.
i have to admit , i do find it tiring when i get with someone who never shuts up!

[Adamm]

Piedwagtail91- ok lets say you accept that you are quiet, you do not put so much pressure on yourself about it, but talking more would be better. Same as loosing weight. For example you are averge person, you are okay with that, but you know that if you go gym regulary you will look even better.
So from that point when I accept myself I would like to develop my social skills; same as going to the gym. But the problem is I do not find it interesting making new friends and finding out about their lives really. This really stops me from finding love. I know it is not natural state, because humans are social species and they need comapny of other people.
Are there any guided meditations on youtube addressing that problem? Or any books?

JonW-I have not done the 8 weeks course. Before I knew about formal practice of mindfulness, I was really into the power of now. There Eckhart tolle teaches you to watch your emotions, feel them and be present. I was also meditating regulary 1 or 2 years. Anyway, when I found out about mindfulness I realised that this is a practise for me. I just read 'the mindfull way through depression', amazing book. Now I am doing body scans, self acceptance guided meditations and it is going well.
As you suggested, I do not think I am putting pressure on myself of being to quiet anymore. From that point I would like to develop my social skills and care about other people, but deep down I really do not. The reault is that I am quiet lonely. So how can I care more about other people? I want to be more qenuine, I do not want to act fake.

[piedwagtail91]

i can understand what you mean, but i found out the hard way that i can't change who i am. it felt like i was being a fake, trying to be someone i'm not.
that just piled more pressure on me.
accepting that i'm not as good in social situations as others actually helped.
it may sound strange but accepting myself as i am made it easier to talk to people.
i'm a walk leader so do need to be sociable - at least for 90 minutes a week!- and that was always a struggle, because of the 'being a quiet person problem /perception that i had'.
i let that thought get in the way, it was a barrier that i felt i had to cope with. i had to get past that self image before i could find the energy to talk to people.
talking to others felt forced and unnatural, i felt it was something i had to do, no matter how i felt.
now that that barrier has gone and i don't feel i have to do that anymore i'm more relaxed with myself and around the group i lead and conversation is easier.
ok, so i'm still not the most talkative person, but life and conversation is easier when i'm just being my true self.
as this is a difficulty, i'd suggest a good meditation to try would be a working with or experiencing difficulty meditation.

[Adamm]

Thanks for the reply, I guess I need to work on self acceptance some more.

[JonW]

Hi again.
For many years I struggled with social anxiety to the point where I would be anticipating what to say long before I actually met up with people. It used to drive me nuts.
Mindfulness has helped me enormously in respect of that. I've learned that there's no way of anticipating how a conversation is likely to go and that there's no point in trying to control that. I no longer over-think social occasions. I simply allow them to be. Like Piedwagtail91 I've also accepted that I'm naturally a quiet type. I seem to crave solitude rather a lot which probably places me somewhere on the HSP (highly sensitive person) spectrum. One of our members has written a great blog about mindfulness and HSP which we'll be putting up on the site soon.
You say that humans are a social species and they need the company of other people. By and large, that's true. But much suffering is caused by comparing ourselves to others, wishing we could be more extrovert, for example. And so we get caught up in self-judgment to such an extent that it becomes almost impossible to make changes in our lives. Often, change is only possible once we have come to accept ourselves as we naturally are. Paradoxically, I started to become more extrovert/socially outgoing when I started to become more at ease with accepting the fact that I was a quiet, introverted type. The turning-point came when I stopped striving to be someone I was not, when I discovered an inner peace that I'd always longed for.
Also, it's worth bearing in mind that it's OK to be quiet in most situations. We imagine that we're being judged for that but, in the vast majority of cases, we're not. I enjoy the company of quiet people. I find them more interesting as a rule.
It might just be that you need to become more grounded in your mindfulness practice. Following the 8-week course with a good teacher might be just the ticket. If there are no courses available near where you live, you might like to consider an online option. Just ask if you need any guidance with that.
As for wanting to be more genuine and wanting to care more for people, that comes with practice. But compassion for others begins with compassion for ourselves. That compassion is at the very heart of mindfulness practice. For further reading I would highly recommend any of the Jon Kabat-Zinn books, particularly Wherever You Go There You Are, Full Catastrophe Living and Coming To Our Senses.
All best wishes,
Jon, Hove

[Adamm]

Jon, thank you for this long and inspiring post, it really helps

[JonW]

My pleasure, Adamm. Like I say, feel free to stick around and share your thoughts. It's what this forum is for.
Cheers,
Jon

[piedwagtail91]

great post jon.
good to know i'm not the only one!
mick