Mindful way through jealousy

[jamie_779]

Hi all,
I've been practicing for about a year now and the change to my life has been amazing. However, I have found myself struggling with feelings of jealousy, for a few weeks now. I have quite deep, romantic feelings for a friend of mine, who also happens to be my manager. He flirts with me outrageously, although he is straight and I am gay, so of course, nothing is ever going to happen! He sleeps around constantly ( I suspect to seek his own validation,) but the jealousy is so intense for me. I find myself plotting to get his attention ( by catastophising etc.) and if I don't get it, then it's disaster! I've tried ignoring him, but he is a friend and that just leads to fighting anger with anger.
I'd be really grateful for any mindfulness tips on this, as it's getting a bit out of hand in my mind.

Thank you and keep mindful

Jamie

[JonW]

Hi Jamie,
Welcome to the forum.
I'll need to have a think about this one. Jealousy is a fascinatingly complex emotion.
I'm sure there will be some useful replies to your post. Just hang on in there...
All best wishes,
Jon

[Gareth]

Great topic, we'll definitely get you some more replies. I'm going to move it to 'experienced' too; I think it is more appropriate there.

My advice is the same as it would always be really: let it be. This jealousy is real, and it is a part of you. Next time you notice it, really notice it. Whereabouts in your body does it show up? If you were to give it a colour, what colour would it be? Can you conceive what has triggered this emotion? Can you link it to any other feelings that are inside?

Being with the jealousy and really experiencing it will help you to identify its causes (if there are any). It might also point you in the direction of positive changes in your life. It might simply just dissipate of its own accord, which many feelings seem to do. Remember impermanence: no feeling lasts forever.

[paulpsych]

Ditto what Gareth wrote as couldn't put it any better

[Matt Y]

Hi Jamie,

I'm not sure this is really something to address with mindfulness (though mindfulness may help). It's more about understanding the role of emotion in our lives, and specifically, with understanding the role of jealousy.

First of all, it's okay to feel jealous. Jealousy is your friend. Jealously helps to maintain your social standing. It's an instinct for self protection. Jealousy protects your access to stable and loyal mates / partners. It should come up when you are going into a relationship. Jealousy is the voice that asks you to check out the person you're interested in: are they stable and loyal? Do they focus on you properly? Do they have your best interests in mind? If not, then you should fear developing a relationship with them. This is jealousy speaking, and if you don't listen to your jealousy, you'll get into relationship with someone inappropriate, someone who doesn't have your best interests at heart.

What are you sensing about this colleague? What is your jealousy telling you? Are you mistaking one emotion for another?

If you want to get a better handle on emotions such as jealousy, my recommendation would be to check out The Language of Emotions by Karla McLaren, or her online program Emotional Flow.

[SirSuki]

I have found that jealousy is not something we are victims of but is a feeling we get that stems from our selves. When I feel jealous I look at myself and ask...

What wants, needs, and desires are not being met for me?

Basically, I'd look at the actions that cause the jealousy and match them to any wants, needs, or desires I have and see if those are being met in any other aspects of my life.

If it is something the other person can provide then I have a critical conversation with that person to express by wants, needs, and desires. If not I look elsewhere to fulfill them.

Another distinction is the difference between jealousy and envy. Envy (like jealousy) stems from missing wants, needs, and desires. But is usually easier to identify.

The distinction between them is that jealousy is when you have something and it is taken away. Like a need to be loved and the person shows love to someone else. If I now perceive a lack of love that I once had then I feel jealous and I have a critical conversation with the person to say I am lacking in the affection can the sharing be more equal in time?

In contrast, if I see someone who I never had affection with and they show affection to someone else I would feel envious of that person as it's a want/desire that I'm lacking.

[MelliOBrien]

Jealousy - what is it exactly? Its a mind pattern that says 'i want something i do not have'. I always find it really helpful to define exactly what kind of mind patterns emerge that create unpleasant emotions.

Its helpful (to me anyways-i hope for you too) to break it down and recognise "when i think thoughts that say 'i want something else/ something more /something else' or 'i don't want what is here' it creates suffering". It generates negativity.

So this kind of recognition can break the pattern of you being caught up in this pattern of thinking and emotion.

The pattern may still emerge (especially when your around him) but you can simply recognise that the mind has generated those thoughts and feelings and you don't need to 'buy into it' any more. You see that 'you are not the mind' you can stand back and observe. Observing emotions and thoughts in this way means they lose their grip on you. They lose their power to pull you into reactivity and eventually they fade away.

This is mindfulness, the ability to stand back and watch, as an impartial witness, our thoughts and emotions. It might be helpful for you even to mentall say to yourself something like ' oh here is that mind pattern again' it's 'just the mind pattern called jealousy'

there is no need to try to escape from it or pretend its not there. Not at all, this is not supression. Instead here you 'turn towards' and be with what is arising (jelousy) but noticing that your larger than the arising emotion and you can choose how you would like to respond.

I hope this is helpful. Daily practice of mindfulness helps so much in cultivating the ability to stand back from thoughts and emotions and bring more wisdom and groundedness to daily life.

All the best mate : )

Melli

[watson2182]

Jealousy - what is it exactly? Its a mind pattern that says 'i want something i do not have'. I always find it really helpful to define exactly what kind of mind patterns emerge that create unpleasant emotions.

Its helpful (to me anyways-i hope for you too) to break it down and recognise "when i think thoughts that say 'i want something else/ something more /something else' or 'i don't want what is here' it creates suffering". It generates negativity.

So this kind of recognition can break the pattern of you being caught up in this pattern of thinking and emotion.

The pattern may still emerge (especially when your around him) but you can simply recognise that the mind has generated those thoughts and feelings and you don't need to 'buy into it' any more. You see that 'you are not the mind' you can stand back and observe. Observing emotions and thoughts in this way means they lose their grip on you. They lose their power to pull you into reactivity and eventually they fade away.

This is mindfulness, the ability to stand back and watch, as an impartial witness, our thoughts and emotions. It might be helpful for you even to mentall say to yourself something like ' oh here is that mind pattern again' it's 'just the mind pattern called jealousy'

there is no need to try to escape from it or pretend its not there. Not at all, this is not supression. Instead here you 'turn towards' and be with what is arising (jelousy) but noticing that your larger than the arising emotion and you can choose how you would like to respond.

I hope this is helpful. Daily practice of mindfulness helps so much in cultivating the ability to stand back from thoughts and emotions and bring more wisdom and groundedness to daily life.

All the best mate : )

Melli

i like what you said. its true