No benefits in daily life

[Akko]

Hi all, just discovered this community, happy to be here!
I've been doing breath-based mindfulness meditation for more than a year now (20-40 min average on most days) but have had very little benefit in my daily life. What I mean is that I don't feel much more aware or present than before, even though I'm getting much better at following my breath during meditation.
My main problem is the "autopilot", so just being lost in thought for long periods of time. I know everyone has this to some degree but I seem to be a difficult case - people have been telling me since I was young that I'm a dreamer and that I'm not noticing things that are happening around me. I'm also pretty forgetful and somewhat clumsy and have trouble focusing in conversations.
Most mindfulness books and teachers point to most of the benefits of meditation being sort of passive, so you mediate, get "better" at meditation and your mindfulness in daily life improves. For me that has not been the case and I wonder if I do it wrong. When I meditate I almost never have daydreaming anymore. My focus is generally on the breath and, while I still get distracted regularly, I almost always catch myself in a second or so, which is much better than in the beginning. But when I'm not meditating I don't feel any more present than before I started mediating. In the morning I promise myself that today I will keep up the intention of being mindful and suddenly the whole day is over with barely any time spent being mindful.
Is there anything I can do differently to reduce my autopilot? Help would be much appreciated!

[JonW]

Hi Akko,
Welcome to the forum.
You write that, 'Most mindfulness books and teachers point to most of the benefits of meditation being sort of passive, so you mediate, get "better" at meditation and your mindfulness in daily life improves.'
I'm not sure I'd agree with the idea that we meditate in order to 'get better' at meditation. That makes meditation practice sound like another branch of self-improvement where we continually 'improve' so long as we put the practice in, where today's meditation is 'better' than yesterday's, where mindfulness is an end in itself, rather than a way of being from moment to moment.
There's a kind of paradox here. On the one hand, teachers and writers tell us that mindfulness is goalless, that the idea of meditation is not to 'get' anywhere, only to be present in this moment. On the other hand, it's an unavoidable part of human nature to want to feel that a practice we are devoting time and commitment to is actually making a difference in our lives.
So, we are being invited to cultivate the ability to stay with our present moment experience and, at the same time, being encouraged to let go of any particular outcome.
In my experience, both as meditator and mindfulness teacher, this apparent paradox is usually resolved by taking a structured approach to mindfulness in the first place. So I would always encourage people to seek out a teacher or, if that is not feasible for any reason, follow an 8-week course with the help of a book. In my view, such an approach maximises the possibility of someone not only grounding themselves properly in the practice, but also learning to fold the practice into their everyday life.
If we're not folding mindfulness into our everyday life, then there's a kind of disconnect going on, a duality between our formal practice and the rest of the day. Maybe we feel we are getting 'better' at sitting, being still, paying attention to our breathing. But maybe we're not embodying the practice off the cushion/chair.
Any half-decent mindfulness course will offer a wide array of meditative practices: various sitting meditations, walking meditation, mindful movement, body scans, short breathing spaces...By the end of the eighth week, a course participant will have a pretty good idea which approaches work for them and which approaches don't.
Some people, including members of the Everyday Mindfulness team, have managed to build a flourishing practice without needing to follow a course. They have managed to find their own structure which works perfectly well for them. However, many people struggle to maintain practice without the kind of structured approach offered by a course.
One way of looking at all this is that formal meditation is the practice and the rest of your day is the meditation. In this way, being mindful becomes the natural default position. It becomes a way of being.
If that's not happening for you, then maybe it's time to re-consider your approach. If the idea of doing a mindfulness course isn't to your liking, no problem. You might just want to vary your practice, introducing body scans, breathing spaces etc. into your weekly routine. I'll happily send you some of my own guided meditations free of charge. Just let me know if that interests you. You can PM me via this site.
All good things,
Jon

[Akko]

Hi Jon,

Thank you for your post. Fully agreed on the meditation paradox. I actually really enjoy meditation, whether it's breath based or metta, so during my session I am not "straining" to be better at meditation. However, I probably would not continue meditation if the only benefits are the feeling during meditation. I am looking for real life benefits with it.
I agree with you on some structure being beneficial. I used to use the book "The Mind Illuminated" but found that it was making things way too technical and striving for me even though my concentration got better, so I dropped it. However I did just start an 8 week home training based on the book "Mindfulness - an 8 week plan for finding peace in a frantic world" by Danny Penman. I am currently in week two. First week was more breath-based and I felt like I could stay with the breath quite well. Second week is a body scan and I'm just daydreaming constantly. It seems like there is very little transfer from breath to body scan in my case. After the 8 weeks, do you generally pick and choose what method worked best for you?

I like your view of seeing formal meditation as the practice and daily life being the meditation. I will try to keep this philosophy in mind.

I would very much appreciate some more guided meditations. Unfortunately I can't seem to find the PM button, how can I contact you? I'd rather not post my email publicly.

Cheers,
Akko

[CraigJ123]

For me it's not the meditation that would make you more mindful. Maybe have reminders / triggers to remind you? This is how I do it. It's usually when I'm feeling tired or annoyed, it reminds me to think of mindfulness.

[JonW]

Hi Akko.
I'll email you.
Cheers,
Jon

[JonW]

'For me it's not the meditation that would make you more mindful.'

The meditation is inseparable from the mindfulness.
Separating them is like trying to separate wetness from water.

[CraigJ123]

Not really if you have meditation for recharging yourself and mindfulness for calming down the mind and focusing on tasks in the present.