Openness to others and self preservation

[monkey]

Hello. I wanted to find out how others manage this. I try to be open to others and non judgmental and supportive, generally. But sometimes I find myself in friendships with people who seem very absorbed in themselves and not especially interested in me except as a listener for their problems or someone to pass the time with. Often they do have significant problems, which I don't have (although I can see this is also a question of perspective and non attachment) I feel that I could be anyone in these relationships, and after a point that feels hurtful. How do others negotiate this - staying open and non judgmental but also being loving towards themselves?

[JonW]

Loving-kindness is the answer to this.
I highly recommend Christina Feldman's new book, Boundless Heart. One of the finest I've read on the subject.
I find I hardly ever judge anyone any more. At least not people I meet. Though I can't help notice that people are much more self-absorbed than they used to be. Or maybe that's just me getting old(er). Policemen are looking younger too these days.
JW

[monkey]

Hi Jon. It's not so much that I'm judging them I think. I don't think they're bad people or whatever. It's that I find that after spending time with them I feel rubbish about myself because they are very self focused and seem quite uninterested in me. So I am interested in whether other people find that there's a tension between trying to be open, trying to be generous and asserting your own boundaries about what you feel is respectful or caring behaviour from them and saying that actually you aren't going to spend time with that person any more.

[JonW]

'So I am interested in whether other people find that there's a tension between trying to be open, trying to be generous and asserting your own boundaries about what you feel is respectful or caring behaviour from them and saying that actually you aren't going to spend time with that person any more.'

That is an excellent point. I've found that mindfulness has helped me enormously in terms of realising what my boundaries with people are, and sticking with them. These days I tend to avoid oxygen thieves like the plague.
Then again, I spend most of my time in the woods with foxes and badgers. I go days without seeing or talking to another human being...
Jon

[monkey]

That sounds pretty good, actually! How do you articulate your boundaries to yourself, as a kind of feeling about a situation, or more specifically? I'm sorry if that seems intrusive, I find that these kinds of relationships have happened a fair bit lately and I'd like to be a bit more aware of what my own boundaries are but I'm not sure how to go about that really. Thank you.

[JonW]

Must say, it doesn't rise that often. When it does, I try to find a gentle way of explaining to someone that their behaviour stepped over a line. What usually works is simply explaining to them how their behaviour made me feel. So it's not me on the attack.
Generally though, I avoid people who are likely to make me feel bad in any way. You could say I make wiser choices these days as to who I hang around with.
Cheers,
Jon

[monkey]

Ok, thank you. I will have a think about that.

[zeddartha]

Hi monkey, JonW:

The answer can be found in the suttas.

Having good companions is said to be one of the highest virtues, good companions are those who are generous, virtuous, mindful and inclined towards nibbana.
So it is beneficial for one to prioritize spending time with these kinds of people, as it then inclines oneself towards those same qualities.

On the other hand, as long as one lives in society, interacting with many kinds of people is natural, then in that case loving-kindness is indeed the answer.

Loving-kindness both leads to, and comes from wisdom about the truth of suffering. One who is not mindful is affected by hinderances like lust, hatred, dullness and scatter-mindedness, and causes himself much suffering. The only appropriate mindset towards someone who suffers like this is loving-kindness, to think, speak and act for their benefit.

At the same time the only way you can feel averse towards anyone, regardless of their qualities, is if you are not mindful yourself, then you would be causing yourself suffering, so loving-kindness is both for your own benefit as well as that of others.

Best wishes
Ze

[JonW]

'The only appropriate mindset towards someone who suffers like this is loving-kindness, to think, speak and act for their benefit.'

Not necessarily.
Sometimes, the most mindful thing to do is walk away and don't look back.
Loving-Kindness is an invitation to explore the edge of compassion. It is not a dictate to spend time with each and every person who causes difficulty in your life.
Jon

[zeddartha]

'The only appropriate mindset towards someone who suffers like this is loving-kindness, to think, speak and act for their benefit.'

Not necessarily.
Sometimes, the most mindful thing to do is walk away and don't look back.
Loving-Kindness is an invitation to explore the edge of compassion. It is not a dictate to spend time with each and every person who causes difficulty in your life.
Jon

Can you walk away and don't look back while having loving-kindness in your mind?