Sarahem wrote:Hi everyone,
I have a question about situations in which I feel angry. I've been practicing mindfulness daily for over a year now and I've done the 8 week MBCT course. A situation arose earlier this evening in which my Mum said something personal and critical which really pushed my buttons. I noticed/observed that I felt angry and the mindful part of me noticed that I wanted to say something hurtful/angry etc back. Through this awareness I made the choice not to say something hurtful that I wouldn't be able to retract so in that sense mindfulness was useful. However, my quandry occurs for several reasons. I feel like the more 'mindful' response would be to try to respond with love or if that's too much at least with some equanimity - but in that instance I don't feel it at all. In that mindful moment that occured I was busy trying to formulate a reasonable/assertive/calm response but couldn't think of anything because the rage was still swirling round and so I just didn't say anything. That in turn has left me with a deep sense of dissatisfaction and a physical sense of anger that feels like acid is burning a hole in my stomach!
I can see that its helpful that I just didn't just vent my frustration thus possibly creating friction in our relationship but equally I feel like (and have done in other situations) that through having that mindful moment that I'm ending up in a situation where I'm not saying anything and just kind of suppressing anger and holding onto it in my body, which doesn't feel particularly healthy either. I'm aware that I could go back later when I've calmed down and try to say something but somehow I'm never too comfortable with that as the other person (in this instance my Mum) will probably have forgotten all about it and I imagine she will think it odd that I've brought it up again hours after the original conversation.
The mindful moment that I have when I initially feel angry is helpful because it prevents me from losing my temper and saying something in anger but the downside is that I'm finding that it gives me time to try and work out a better response, I can't figure out what that would be and then the moments passed and I've not said anything at all.
I'm just wondering what other people are finding in their experiences with mindfulness and anger? Does anyone else find that it's sometimes meant that they've just not said anything at all but then been frustrated that they've not aired their grievance.
Hope that makes sense, I was finding it hard to describe!
Look forward to hearing thoughts on it.
Sarah x
Thank you for such a detailed post that echoes my exact same feelings. It took ages to train, but this will help.
Yes, phase one is the tactful mindful way of dealing with the situation. You managed to not fight fire with fire, which is extremely brilliant. Most people can't make it that far!
Phase 2 then! You feel tense because you've held it in. This is because you are attached to your feelings. Let me guess, you're a passionate person with virtually everything and hold strong opinions? I'm sorry to say this, but now it's time to forget it! You now have to remind yourself that none of what you hold dear is in fact of any importance whatsoever. So you have your life that you have built, and your principles. Chances are, the majority of people in the world couldn't care less - the have their own lives after all. I know this sounds saddening, especially the fact that this is your mother who most probably feels the same way, but by recognising and accepting this, you will eventually feel more free!
You can love whoever you want in your life. That doesn't mean they have to meet your expectations in return...
Have a go....see what you find!
