Openness to others and self preservation

[JonW]

Yes. Absolutely.

[monkey]

Yes. Absolutely.

That’s funny, I came back here today for the first time for ages and thought this thread looked interesting and realised it was mine, and also that there had been recent posts!

[JonW]

Welcome back, Monkey!

[monkey]

Welcome back, Monkey!

Thanks!

[aumaum]

Monkey
This was an interesting post and I very much can relate. I have increasingly noticed people are very selfish. Which means they care about themselves but not others.

I can give one example. I had a friend since college for over 20 years. She would use me as a sounding board for her latest woes, sometimes soliciting my opinion on things I knew nothing about. I was a sincere friend and gave sound accurate advice keeping her best interests in mind. This friend didn't really ask about me other than the same question each time, enquiring about my family. She never pronounced my name properly and didn't think I had a birthday. I was the one who called regularly, she called me a few days/weeks before her birthday. She never invited me for anything fun to do. If we met it was for me to be her counsellor.
One day I purposefully asked her advice on something I really needed an outsiders viewpoint about. Her reply was ''Oh don't worry''. This is the only comment she ever made about anything that I ever mentioned about myself.

I realised then how utterly stupid I had been. Acting as a free advisor to someone who didn't care to know anything about me or try to help me when I needed just a simple input. I realised I had been used for years, so I vowed never to contact her again.

She called me before her birthday as usual, she asked about a mutual friend but not once about me. It was her way of devaluing me, because I hadn't called or been her puppet.

I still feel stupid, plain and simple, for being used for so long and brushing it aside. Trying to be a good friend. However, it is because of mindfulness and other practises that I see manipulation more clearly.

Metta starts with self love. Giving your self permission to put your needs first. It was only after doing this and ignoring the should's in my head (should be nice etc) that I could ditch someone not worthy of my friendship.

I feel glad for cutting ties, but I'm sorry it took me so very long to realise. I also see how I was used and exploited in the past by many other people. I feel sad about it.

I have cut other people out and I do not miss them. I'd rather be alone than with fake friends.

I hope my example will give you the courage to break unhelpful bonds.

[Eric A.]

Self absorbed people tend to only care about themselves. They are manipulators whose goal is to control you, make your life revolve around theirs. No amount of compassion and loving-kindness is going to change who they are. Read up on how to identify narcissistic and manipulative people and how to address the boundary issues they so love to violate. YouTube is good here. The bottom line: know your limits. Expect reciprocity. If they are unable to reciprocate, you can assume this pattern with them might just keep repeating... forever. It is quite sad really, they never form deep relationships, or what few relationships they form are plagued by their one-sided performance. Can you tell I've been there? Done that?

[Peter]

There seems to be a lot of bitterness here. Great stuff to practice on.

[JonW]

For me, these are not binary issues.
The world is not divided into those who are narcissistic, self-absorbed and manipulative and those who have no trace of these traits.
All of us are capable of being narcissistic, self-absorbed and manipulative.
Cultivating loving-kindness or compassion doesn't mean that we have to endlessly tolerate those who are deeply narcissistic, profoundly self-absorbed or deviously manipulative. It doesn't mean that we have to remain in relationships with these people or stick with difficult friendships to the bitter end.
The invitation (and it's always a benign invitation, not a demand) is to see if it is possible to soften around the edges of resentment and blame, to test the edges of forgiveness, patience and tolerance, and notice the resistances that come up. In doing so, perhaps we notice how easily we become attached to our resentments, stuck in them, to the point where we cannot see beyond blame, bitterness and anger - the stuff that eats us up.
Blame and anger close us down. Compassion opens us up.
As we incline our hearts towards compassion, for ourselves and for others, we realize the opportunity to finally let go of resentment and blame. We are able to move away from narrow judgments on ourselves and others and realise a more open, expansive view, from which point we might be able to act more skilfully.
This is challenging work.
Einstein had some wise things to say on this:
'A human being is part of the whole, called by us Universe, a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feelings as something separated from the rest – a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole nature in its beauty. Nobody is able to achieve this completely, but the striving for such achievement is in itself a part of the liberation and a foundation for inner security.'
Jon