Starting to do meditation again but still have troubles with the randomness of thought

[Spikeycloud]

Hi it is some time ago I posted here. I didn’t do mindfulness for sometime and recently decided to start doing it again. The thing however is that I still have a lot of difficulties accepting that my thougths are random – and accepting that I'm indentified with them so often... I only seem to know myself trough these thoughts. Knowing this, it feels like I’m a deterministic pattern – which I absolutely hate. The reason for this, is that it forces me to be something or someone that I don’t like. It is kinda it completely colors my experience and not in a good way. Also I cannot seem to stop hating being indentified with thought as well. It is very hard for me to like that I'm aware of my thoughts so often even though I can watch them sometimes as they happen.

Anyone else who experiences this? And if so, how do you deal with it?

[Peter]

Welcome back, Spikey. There's a lot of resistance there. Your hate and resistance is making things worse for you. You might not want or like a lot of things, but they are certainly there, for better or worse. Mostly, we cannot think ourselfs into accepting. The acceptance comes from being with the emotions, feelings and thoughts. Keep them in awareness. It is a slow process, so give yourself time.

Can you tell us about your practice in the past and now?

[Spikeycloud]

Welcome back, Spikey. There's a lot of resistance there. Your hate and resistance is making things worse for you. You might not want or like a lot of things, but they are certainly there, for better or worse. Mostly, we cannot think ourselfs into accepting. The acceptance comes from being with the emotions, feelings and thoughts. Keep them in awareness. It is a slow process, so give yourself time.

Can you tell us about your practice in the past and now?

Thanks for your insight. Yes there is indeed a lot of resistance and hate. This is because I feel that the universe is against me very often.
At the moment I try to 5 minutes a day – which is already a tough job for me to do.

[JonW]

Hi Mr. Spikey,
Welcome back.
I'm not sure I understand what you mean when you say that you have a lot of difficulties accepting that your thoughts are random.
Just stop and observe. See if you can anticipate your next thought. Chances are you can't.
Thoughts just happen and they happen almost continuously.
The blood circulates. The hair grows. The breath ebbs and flows. Thoughts arrive in consciousness, then depart.
Thoughts seem to have a life of their own, but you are not your thoughts. You may think continually but you are not your thinking any more than seeing means that you are an eye. Thoughts are things you have, just as growing your hair is something that you do.
Part of this practice is about noticing thoughts without becoming attached to their content. The mind loves to weave a narrative. Mindfulness teaches us that we have a choice; that we can be aware of the thought stream without being dragged away by it.
We can accept that thoughts have already arrived and, without any frustration or judgment, return our attention to the breath, or whatever anchor we choose.
Ultimately, thoughts possess no power of their own - they are just fleeting events. Their power rests entirely on the attention we bring to them.
I hope this is of some help.
All good things,
Jon

[Peter]

Thanks for your insight. Yes there is indeed a lot of resistance and hate. This is because I feel that the universe is against me very often.
At the moment I try to 5 minutes a day – which is already a tough job for me to do.

I agree with Jon, and like to add...
The universe isn't against you, you are against yourself. Mindfulness can give us some distance to what is, so we can stop adding more to it then there really is. By being aware of what is, and of what our minds do with all of this the mind gets less power over how we feel. Because we are evolved to get our genes into the next generation, negativity gets a lot more value and therefor attention than positivity, because it's more important to our survival as a species. We need to be aware though, that this gives a skewed sence of reality. It's very hard to not identify with our thoughts when they trigger emotions and feelings that are purposely very powerful. We cannot do that if we haven't built this different relationship with our minds beforehand; when things are a bit less intense. That's why we meditate every day. You cannot expect this to happen overnight, especially when you practice only 5 minutes per day. Could you maybe do a mindfulness course? Maybe you could also practice 3 times per day for 5 minutes?

[Spikeycloud]

Thanks for your insight. Yes there is indeed a lot of resistance and hate. This is because I feel that the universe is against me very often.
At the moment I try to 5 minutes a day – which is already a tough job for me to do.

I agree with Jon, and like to add...
The universe isn't against you, you are against yourself. Mindfulness can give us some distance to what is, so we can stop adding more to it then there really is. By being aware of what is, and of what our minds do with all of this the mind gets less power over how we feel. Because we are evolved to get our genes into the next generation, negativity gets a lot more value and therefor attention than positivity, because it's more important to our survival as a species. We need to be aware though, that this gives a skewed sence of reality. It's very hard to not identify with our thoughts when they trigger emotions and feelings that are purposely very powerful. We cannot do that if we haven't built this different relationship with our minds beforehand; when things are a bit less intense. That's why we meditate every day. You cannot expect this to happen overnight, especially when you practice only 5 minutes per day. Could you maybe do a mindfulness course? Maybe you could also practice 3 times per day for 5 minutes?

I can try to start with 2 times a day and if I can do that conistently I might try it 3 times.

[Peter]

That's great, Spikey.

[JonW]

'Maybe you could also practice 3 times per day for 5 minutes?'

This is a great suggestion.
As Peter says, you can't realistically expect to see much change if you only commit five minutes per day. In that time, there simply isn't enough time for you to meet the kind of resistance that is at the heart of serious practice.
What kind of resistance are you meeting in that five minutes that makes it so challenging, Spikey? Is it an overactive mind? Physical discomfort? Boredom? Something else?
As a teacher, at the end of an eight-week course, I encourage participants to keep their practice fresh by mixing up their meditations. Do as much sitting practice as possible. But throw in body scans, walking meditations, mindful movement etc.
Also, Peter and myself are big believers in the idea of reading as part of practice. My own practice is sustained by reading a lot of books, not just on mindfulness/meditation, but also Zen, non-duality, spirituality, poetry etc. All of it keeps me grounded in my practice.
The key is to keep remembering to be mindful. And there's no substitute for daily practice. That's the only way.
Cheers,
Jon

[Peter]

Very good point from Jon. Especially when one isn't that experienced, it's best to find some formal practice you like, to establish some routine.
Note: The most important thing at this stage is to just train the attention.
Find something you like to keep your attention on, and try to keep it there. When the mind wanders, bring it back to your meditation object. For example. If you like to watch a fish swim in an aquarium, that's perfectly fine, even though you won't find it in books. Find some sensory input you like. Maybe you like to lay down on the grass, sun on your face, and listen to nature sounds. That's great. This might be a lot easier for you to muster right now, then focusing all that attention on yourself.

[JonW]

Excellent advice from Peter.
In some Buddhist traditions, there are three stages to meditation: concentration (focus on a single object, as Peter describes above), mindfulness (attention to thoughts, feelings and body sensations) and insight (exploration of the true nature of self).
You might find that sticking with the concentration stage for the time being is a good way in to all this.
Cheers,
Jon