difficult life situations

[openminds]

I'm experiencing very challenging behaviour from my partner. He is having an affair.
I'm calm and accepting of the emotions I'm experiencing. I'm also using loving kindness meditation as a means to feel compassion and non judgement towards him
But essentially I'm left with behaviours that are contrary to my value system.
I'm concerned that my mindfulness practice has sort of deadened my ability to respond by minimising the emotions as ones that are, like all emotion transitory in nature.
Perhaps I'm missing the point of meditation, but I assumed that I would be able to respond mindfully, instead I'm almost dismissive of my own emotional pain.
Some comments generally on using mindfulness when faced with difficulties in relationships would be great. Or how mindfulness can influence responses in difficult situations.
I'm clear on how my meditation helps me to be aware of emotion and the need not be driven blindly by this but I'm not clear how this awareness is translated into responding to behaviours that cause me difficulty.
I'm new to this forum and I hope that this is an appropriate question.

[JonW]

Hi openminds,
Welcome to the forum.
Sorry to hear you're having such a tough time of it.
You say you're concerned that your mindfulness practice might have deadened your ability to respond by minimising emotions. One of the key benefits of mindfulness is that it provides us with skills to respond to situations rather than react in auto-pilot mode. We're not minimising emotions in any way. It's more the case that we're learning how to turn towards difficulties in a self-compassionate way, rather than turn away from troubling thoughts and feelings.
Mindfulness is really put to the test when a difficult life situation rears up, especially when we're looking to find compassion for someone who is causing us pain. The fact that you are finding it in your heart to be compassionate towards your partner at this time speaks volumes for you.
But being mindful doesn't mean that we have to be passive and accepting when we are being treated unfairly. It is not being judgmental to let someone know that they are causing you hurt. It is not being judgmental to let someone know that their behaviour is unacceptable. It is not being judgmental to let someone know that their behaviour will not be tolerated.
This is a time that calls for self-compassion, when you might show YOURSELF heaps of loving kindness. Part of that process involves finding the space to see what's really going on for you and, ultimately, to decide on the best way to proceed. Hopefully, your mindfulness practice has provided you with the skills to turn towards this difficulty with some degree of clarity and with large measures of self-compassion. Of course, that can be incredibly challenging when one is feeling hurt, betrayed etc. But that would be the mindful approach. Again, it doesn't mean that you have to find a way of accepting behaviour that is causing you hurt. It means mindfully turning towards the hurt to find out what's really happening for you right now and being able to respond rather than react to the situation.
Does that make any sense?
I hope things get better for you. Be assured that we're a friendly bunch here on the forum and, while we don't pretend to be experts in any way, we're always happy to help or advise in whatever way we can. So please feel free to stick around and ask any questions you like.
Wishing you all good things,
Jon

[openminds]

Thank you very much for this reply Jon.
It's hard to express how appreciative I am. But suffice it to say I'm at ease with my next steps. I'm also clearer now on how mindfulness allows a respectful and caring response while at the same time empowers a self respect in taking decisions.
It's exactly what I needed to see written down as I've been really struggling with this.
kindest wishes and have a good evening.

[FeeHutch]

Hello and welcome
I can't really well add anything to Jon's reply but I'm so glad he's been able to help

[Gareth]

Yes, a wonderful reply from Jon. I will also contact another couple of experienced heads, to see if they can add any insight to this topic.

The only think I would add is that perhaps you are mistaking your calmness in this situation for lack of emotion. This is an extremely challenging situation that would put many people in a tailspin. I know from my own personal experience that mindfulness doesn't stop me from having emotions, but it does change the way that I process them.

Good luck with the future. I hope that life gets easier for you.

[KernelOfWisdom]

Hi there,

I am so sorry to hear you are going through what I am sure is a very difficult time. I must say, Jon's post is great and thorough so I am not sure I can do much more except reiterate some of his points with some of my own points to add another perspective.

An interesting thing about mindfulness is that many often find a great deal of peace within it. Because mindfulness gives us more control, in some ways, over our minds and, therefore, how we experience our feelings - or whether we experience them - it can give us the ability to push thoughts (and feelings) away, at least for some time. However, that doesn't mean it is what is best for us (as you seem to be aware of yourself) and it doesn't mean we always know how to use mindfulness to go into our feelings.

BUT mindfulness CAN be used to go into our feelings. Now, I will warn, that doesn't mean it is a pleasant experience. In fact, you really do want to practice mindful emotion work with a great deal of self-compassion and gentleness. So, I tend to use a combination of techniques and I am going to include links to some free, guided meditations I have for each technique if you want to try them and need the support (but feel free to use other resources or search for other resources as there is lots out there and mine if just the options I know of off-hand).

When dealing with painful or difficult emotions:
A) I start with a lot of self-compassion work, as Jon points out too. So I might start with a few sits where I use a meta meditation for myself. So a meditation like this (https://youtu.be/EBrnHl7gp-o), but ALL directed to myself, don't worry about others for now.

B) I would then do some self-compassionate problem solving work to sort out what I am really feeling, what I really want, what the real feelings/challenges are (https://youtu.be/jCpAxnEJuJY).

C) When I come up against really big & difficult feelings, I would use a meditation such as this (https://youtu.be/hPgdHlSXkd4) to help you be able to just be with them instead or trying to avoid or numb them (if that is what is happening)

D) If there are challenges I notice in particular I might use a mix of meditations specific to those need such as ones that focus on forgiveness (https://youtu.be/RWi0BnO0QvU), or impermanence (https://youtu.be/p4q0f0AhFNs), or even expansion to help keep things in perspective (https://youtu.be/ELvTzR8YUhk)

E) I then use positive outcome visualizations or meditations that allow me to immerse myself in the possibilities of what might be next to help give me the courage to face any difficult actions I might need to take or to visualize who I want to be in various scenarios to deal with the issues.

F) I would cycle back through any set of meditations needed to keep sorting through my feelings as required.

Otherwise, I would also use a journal to help support these processes as sometimes journalling what you noticed, what surprised you, what you take away, and what you leave behind out of a meditation can help with processing. And, keep that love and kindness meditation in mind for yourself - you DO deserve to feel loved and supported and please know that your feelings and wants matter. They matter a lot, but we all have to be our own caretakers for what we want, so allow yourself to be your own friend through this - being gentle and loving but doing what you feel is best for you along the way. As Jon says, just because meditation helps us feel less affected by our feelings and thoughts, doesn't mean we have to let go of them. Being forgiving and non-judgemental, doesn't mean giving in. In fact, being truly authentic and fully loving and compassionate means quite the opposite.

And, remember, sometimes even the strongest meditators need other's help. I don't know exactly how you're feeling or what might come up if you go into your feelings more deeply but please, please don't shy away from therapy or coaching or friends' support or whatever help you might need as it arises. I know there have been times where I felt like I should be able to fix all my own stuff because I am a meditator and have been in the practice for some time, but we all need help sometimes - even the most experienced meditators, and there were some things I wouldn't have been able to get over (or get past as effectively) without some coaching or therapy to supplement my practice and even work WITH it. So I mention it as a "just in case" because it IS important and I feel like people need to know they aren't the only ones who needed help or feel the way they do.

Feel free to message me if you have any questions or need further support. It's a great community here and I am glad you reached out.

[FeeHutch]

Joelle thank you so much for all that material you've so generously offered. I am sure lots of people will benefit for it.

[openminds]

Hello Joelle
Thank you so very much for this detailed and very helpful post...
I've read yours and Jon's post over and over and each time I learn something new..
I've been using your guided meditations and find them very helpful too..
All the best and thank you again for your generousity.

[rara]

I'm experiencing very challenging behaviour from my partner. He is having an affair.
I'm calm and accepting of the emotions I'm experiencing.

Part 1: Your partner is having an affair...and if this bothers you (and if they don't know that you know) then they must be addressed asap!

Part 2: The accepting emotions are all well and good but don't allow this to go too far in one direction. Otherwise you just become a doormat.

[Bethany]

There is nothing "wrong" with emotion. It is a sign that your thoughts need to be observed. So do this. Observe the "why" behind your emotions. What challenges are you having with your partner in the present moment? What fears do you have?

And remember it is all right to set boundaries for yourself, when you need to. Even when you are aware of the ultimate reality of the universe, there is still a human being there, and you still need to protect the space that is "you," even if it is an illusion.