Out Of The Rabbit Hole

[MyMentaEscape]

A year ago I wrote a little about my story with depression and anxiety, and what has helped me the most. I've never published it anywhere. I am posting this for you to get to know me a bit and hoping it will help someone.
Please, keep in mind that this is anecdotal.

It was the end of Summer 2017 when I realized my depression is getting slightly out of hand. I just came back from a holiday seaside retreat with my friends. After a week of a constant companion, I was alone. I woke up and all the uncertainty which had been building up for months inside me finally surfaced...And I experienced my first panic attack. The physical aspect of a panic attack is fairly interesting. In my case, uncontrollable sobbing, shaking, fingers locked in a grotesque semi-cramped position and the whole body twisting into a natal position. However, what was going on inside my mind was more ‘illuminating’.

The uncertainty that led to this episode was caused primarily by three sources. I don’t wish to disclose the First one, the second one was the ever-growing likelihood of me dropping out of Uni, the last one was the question, whether I will have enough money to pay that month's rent. I didn’t.

Once you are in a state of a panic attack, your mind works vividly. It tells you all the things you try to keep hidden from yourself. Those thoughts regarding your worth, or lack of. “You worthless piece of shit!” Those which tell you, that all you bring in to your family is insecurity. “They would have been better off without you!” And my personal favorite “You deserve this!”.

After this lovely episode, I’ve made a deal with myself, that I will never experience another panic attack (I’ve failed), however, I did make quite noticeable progress and a fair amount of observations on the way, and I’d like to share that in hopes that maybe, someone, will find it helpful. But I have to start with a bit of a retrospective approach. With my puberty.

I am a son of loving parents, I never really had any reason to be angry, or rebellious (other than the puberty itself). I’m not even the type to seek out conflicts. So I didn’t cause trouble, in general teachers liked me and I had friends. My way of drawing attention toward myself was by being moody. Now, I don’t think I developed this habit consciously, nevertheless, I did develop it. What’s worse, I started to thrive in it. And then, I started identifying with it.
Do you know that state of mind when you are somewhere else? You don’t perceive the reality around you, you are alone, lost in your thoughts. There is nothing wrong with being lost in thought every once in a while. Being there most of the time is dangerous. Not just because you are missing out on the reality itself. You are creating a new one. I and I suspect millions of others, have created a place where they hide and live. When you are hiding in front of the world inside your head, only your thoughts to keep you company, it usually goes in one direction. Self-doubt, insecurity at first. Self-loathing later. This is a breeding ground for depression.

Why the F would you return to such a place? Good question, rational one. You know the way there, you know it so well. It is always there, it’s only yours and you have been there so many times before you can get there within seconds. But that is not the answer to the question. That question was rational, asking ‘why?’ not ‘how?’. The truth is, it’s a safe space. In the most grotesque way imaginable, but it is a safe space. It’s there, it’s yours and no one else can come in. And, most importantly, you are in the habit of going there. This is a crucial fact. It’s a habit.

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So what does it mean for us practically when I say that depression is a habit? Weirdly enough, it means that this sort of depression is a skill. You master skills by repetition, and how many times have you gotten into THAT place? A dozen, hundred, a thousand times? It is so easy to get there because you are skilled in it. Personally, I can finely chop an onion under 10 seconds, blindfolded. Because I have chopped oh so many onions. I can also put myself so far down, to the point of self-loathing, usually within a minute. Skill.

With this information in mind, the obvious solution is to start mastering the skill of going back from that place and ultimately to not go there at all. When I first thought about it, it seemed weird, that going out is extremely difficult, while going in is so easy. It’s the same road, just a different direction. However, even though you know the way, you have to learn to walk it. A quick metaphor. When someone is learning to snowboard, they have one leg in front and the other one is behind. Once you learn to ride, you might want to learn to ride ‘switch’. And even though you know how to do it with one leg, you have to actively learn riding switch. Same thing with going out of depression.


Now for the How-To

Step ZERO. (Not trying to victim blame, this was my turning point)

Admit it's your fault...Now, before you click away cursing. I don't know anything about you or your life. But for me, admitting that the state of my mental health is my own doing was the single sanest thing I have ever done. After all, I am my responsibility. And also (and this is the cherry) if you f*ck something up, it means you can fix it. Now that is empowering. That thought was like a tiny eternal light that flickered in seemingly endless darkness.

To be fair, 100% of my mental problems were my fault. Your case might be different. But if you are responsible for at least 1% of the problems, then I suggest you admit to yourself that one percent and fix that one percent and see what happens.

Step No.1 State Brake

First of all, you need to break that paralyzing state of mind. Go for a run, get in a gym for a workout...Do something physical, preferably something with high intensity, so you have no time to think. That’s why a walk might not be the best idea, but if that is all you can do, then, by all means, go for it.
This is exactly how my journey had begun and I can pinpoint the very moment. I haven’t been for a workout for months and then one day a friend of mine asked me to go work out with her.
I remember walking back home, in a completely different state of mind. All of a sudden, I have realized that I am noticing colors again. Not that I was colorblind, I just didn’t notice it.
That workout successfully pulled me out of my head.
The good thing about exercising is that it gives you a chance to progress, to better yourself. And that helps mentally just as much as it does physically.

Step No.2 Stop yourself
When you realize you are going down the morbid rabbit hole, pause and acknowledge what is going on. Ideally don’t go in, if possible. If it is not possible, just acknowledge it, that is still a good start. Not going to THAT place is a skill, you need to practice that skill. If you pause yourself from slipping into the darkness for just one second...That is one more second you have invested into mastering your mind.

Step No.3 Meditation
YOU ARE NOT YOUR THOUGHTS!
You can learn to meditate from this forum, books, youtube etc. However, my favorite help for this is an app called Headspace. It is created by Andy Puddicombe and he will guide you through it. The first 20 sessions are free I believe, then there is a fee. But it is well worth it. Also, Andy’s voice is perfect for guided meditation.
Be open-minded when going into these exercises, you might be surprised what your mind is really like. And also, if you are in a bad state at the moment, it might be quite emotional. There is a moment in meditation, where you don’t focus on anything (like breathing) and let your mind do whatever it wants. The first time I did that, I’ve lost my s*it and couldn’t get my composure back for another five minutes. It does get better with time, please trust me on this one. The key is consistency.


Step No. 4 Help others
My best advice would be to do volunteer work. It's a balsam for the soul, no joke.


Bonus: My Mental Escape
Recently I came to the conclusion that I want to start a youtube channel, one that can be used for meditation, relieving anxiety, or just slowing down a bit and enjoying the moment…

I would really appreciate any constructive criticism you might have for the channel. Link is in my signature.

I wish you all the best,
Matt

P.S. The journey out of this rabbit hole is usually pretty long. In my case, it took me at least 4 months of focused effort to finally admit that it's getting a little better (meaning I had a good day). It took a year and a half for me to dare to think that I managed to get out of the depression. However, it's still "there". It lingers around, somewhere in my subconsciousness and if I'm not mindful enough, it creeps back. Stay strong, you are not alone!

[JonW]

Thanks for the post, Matt. Some very interesting stuff in there.
As regards your YouTube channel, my only advice would be to create out of your own experience. You have plenty of useful things to share and I'm sure there's a big audience out there for it.
All good things,
Jon

[the.mindful.lens]

A very clear and almost touchable story that you outline. I can follow and understand just about everything you say. You hit so many nails right on the head that you would make a living making wooden furniture !!!

I suffer from depression, but nothing like your severity. I do feel I have conquered it essentially, in the sense that I have been able to do similar to you and find ways to recognise it and to hold off from going down the rabbit hole - most of the time. I did a lot of the things that you do, though as a 69 year old diabetic with a history of pulminary aneurisms , I can't even start to use high intensity work outs ( but I do get just the same sense of avoidance when I get into creating digital music, or spend an afternoon editing photographs in a totally mindful way )

My twist on your story is that often the negative triggers are external. I have a daughter who suffers from BiPolar disorder. She is 36 so it had been her lfietime and much of my adulthood trying to deal with that. Sometimes she does things that really effect me badly and sometimes she puts herself into dangerously serious places. She has all the "normal" by products of Bipolar - alcoholism, drug abuse etc.I will not go into any detail about the single incidents, but safe to say that they are common and often push me right into that big old rabbit hole.

The trouble is that because these events are external to me I cannot control them and cannot predict them, but I know that without giving massive amounts of support I would have no daughter alive.

Your resolution plan does contain so much that is sensible and good advice that more people should here it. I have not done the same as you exactly ( like the music creation instead of workouts, but the general principal still apply.

Thanks for the clarity in your story. I am happy to give you more information about the sort of things I have done ( though in the sense of providing some variety of your responses since you have the key elements there already. ) Just drop me a line and I will direct you to things I have tried and which support your own pattern..

Peter