Hello and why I'm here...

[Gary]

Hi
I searched for a forum as I had a realisation concerning my inability to be consistent with mindfulness practices, and felt the need to express it, hopefully get some response.

I am a creative person running a small business; I kind of live to make beautiful things, having said this, my work is complicated and I find it difficult to earn money; so stress and anxiety are a daily problem. but I get moments that make it all worthwhile, I look at my results and feel very happy and stimulated and I live for these moments.

Recently, having had a new resolve to control my anxiety, I went through a few days committed to my practices, my work was more satisfying and the results were amazing, but paradoxically, this was my downfall! It seems that there is anxiety (negative) and there is excitement (positive) but they amount to the same thing: due to my profound joy and excitement I could not sleep, the next day was ruined and my commitment was (still is) in tatters. My realisation was this: after quite a few years of mindfulness practice I am not reaping any long term benefit because I resist calm and actually desire the struggle to get the highs. I knew really that I was like this but did not want to accept it, i.e. using mindfulness only once approaching burn out, I am still thinking that being calm is in antipathy of my pleasure in life - I can see vaguely the truth and that it is pretty simple, but I am struggling as to how I might tackle the problem and get a more concrete understanding.

Thanks...

[Peter]

My realisation was this: after quite a few years of mindfulness practice I am not reaping any long term benefit because I resist calm and actually desire the struggle to get the highs.

Hi Gary,
You're talking about RESISTANCE and DESIRE. So you're not accepting what is. That causes your struggle. I'd advise you to just be, and stay with those feelings, without judgement.

May I ask what your Mindfulness history is, and how you practice it?

Peter

[JonW]

Hi Gary,
Welcome to the forum,
It would be useful to get a clearer idea of your practice and how you have gone about it, whether you had the benefit of a teacher, whether you learned about it via a book etc.
With mindfulness, we don't meditate to become calm. Mindfulness is process-oriented, not goal-oriented. It is not a means to a specific end. It is about acceptance of all experience as it arises and it is about being with that. Simply noticing whatever comes up – be it pleasant, unpleasant, or something in between - rather than turning away from it, wishing it would recede from our experience. Mindfulness is an ongoing process of leaning kindly towards whatever the present moment offers.
How we go about our practice is crucial. We require structure and, in my view, we need to cultivate body awareness as much as awareness of mind. So a mix of sitting meditation, body scans, mindful movements and walking meditation is recommended.
All good things,
Jon

[Gary]

Hi JonW, @peter

Thank you both for such helpful replies...

About 4 years ago I attended a fairly extensive mindfulness introduction course in the UK where I live. I think I was just looking for some relaxation techniques that I could use without altering my life style, so although I took in everything they taught I have not really applied it properly. Back then on completion, I searched YouTube looking for body scan guides and found 'New Mindful Life'; I have been using their 20 and 40 min body scan vids for about 4 years now, the same two videos, which I think is a bit cranky perhaps:)

Yes I can see what you mean by being goal oriented and not accepting 'what is', I guess that is what I have not fully taken in, and yes, I can see that it relates precisely to the thing I realised about my attitude. I also take on board what you say about applying a mix of practices, I have neglected to do that entirely.

I am thinking of applying for an online course run by 'New Mindful Life' on their own website - I had pasted the URL but not allowed - the course covers all the basics that you mention and more; the history of mindfulness etc. The course is run by Dr. Rochelle Calvert, I like this woman as she is a professional medical doctorr and down to earth. It is easily affordable and would I think perhaps ground me in the principles that you have suggested. The real life course local to me is too expensive to do again so I am thinking this is a pretty good alternative?

Gary

[Gary]

PS

Oh, gosh, just noticed the small print: you do a course yourself! I will have a look - thanks!

[JonW]

My pleasure, Gary.
Feel free to keep firing questions if any suggest themselves. We'll do our level best to answer them.
Where do you live in the UK, by the way?
All good things,
Jon, Hove

[Gary]

Hi Jon

I have signed up for the course here, so discovering this site was quite a find!

I soon realised having read your reply that basically I haven't been applying mindfulness at all, just using body scans to unwind, but what I realised the other day about my own behaviour, allowed me to see the point of what I had been taught before. I'll start again from the beginning though!

I'm in Leigh on Sea, borough of Southend, Essex. I need to reinstall Skype and figure out a good time etc but hopefully speak to you soon...

Cheers

Gary

[JonW]

That's great, Gary.
Look forward to speaking with you.
Cheers,
Jon