Everyday Mindfulness

Hi all, my name is Lee and I have started some mindfulness practices to help me deal with stress, negative feelings, and anxiety due to some disturbing news I got at the start of the month.

To cut a long story short, my almost 2 year old nephew was diagnosed with acute myeloid leukemia at the start of the month. We are a very close family and it has hit us all pretty hard. When I got the news my initial reaction was to put all my effort into helping my family deal, and that was probably at the expense of my own need. While they are now doing much better, I stalled in my recovery.

I have seen a counselor, and will be seeing her again because she is really helpful. But I needed something to help me between sessions and I found out about mindfulness.

I bought a book based on many recommendations: 'Mindfulness: A Practical Guide to Finding Peace in a Frantic World'. Just reading the first few chapter were a real insight to how the mind works and I could relate to exactly every word. It made me feel so much better about myself. I am starting the first chapter of exercises and how found them interesting if not a little strange at times. What I have found really helps is the 'Mindfulness of the Body and Breath' exercise. The only problem with the book is no feedback channel to let you know that what you are doing is right.

I was surprised during the first meditation. I have never put any stock into it in the past, and wasn't sure if it would even do anything, but I thought I would give it a try as my life had become so miserable all of sudden. I was fascinated by what I could feel going on in each part of my body, all the little tingles, the fabrics on my skin, etc.
I never realised before that I can feel my heart beating in my feet!
The practice said I should do it for 8 minutes, but I could go on longer if wanted. I didn't want to stop, it was so interesting to me. As I felt like it was time to stop (I did this during a lunch break at work), I felt a warm fuzzy feeling in my whole body which seem to be drawn in to my chest, which then burst out like what I can only describe as a 'Joy bomb'. I actually felt the urge to chuckle for seemed like no reason to me.
Since then I am trying to make time to do it twice a day, but I may continue to do it at work too.

Another experience I have had is almost the same but in complete reverse. I feel not so much of an explosion, but just an accumulation of worry and fear which stays with me when I complete the exercise and makes my day a whole lot harder.

Another time I completed and was highly sexually aroused, and another time I just wanted to cry. I have always thought of crying as a sign of weakness and will hold it back at all cost.

My own interpretation is that these are sort of 'locked up' emotions that I have been suppressing and the meditation is letting them out so that I can deal with them and let them go, but I am no expert so I am trying to find out what others think.

Do my meditation experiences sound positive, negative, about normal?
I know everybody is likely to react differently, but I just wanted to know if it sometimes like this with the highs and lows?

My ending mood has been mostly negative after each practice, but I figure this is because I have mostly negative baggage to deal with. With that said, today is a marked improvement on all days previous. I can still feel that constant hurt, but it seems so much more mild than before, and I can access my negative thoughts without spiraling out of control.

I just hope this improves my sleep. I have no trouble getting to sleep (I am usually exhausted by the end of the day), but I am waking earlier than usual. I used to get 8 hours every night, and now I wake after around 4-5 hours every night. It is hard to do the positive practices when you are so tired.

Sorry to ramble on so much.

Hi Lee1984,
Welcome to the forum. Please feel free to make yourself at home here.
It's great to hear that you've begun your mindfulness adventure.
You are in good hands with the Williams/Penman book. And, assuredly, you'll get plenty of support on here. I think you'll find us a friendly bunch.
Just a quick response to one of your points as I'm heading out in a minute. Try not to worry too much about whether your meditation experiences are positive, negative or about normal. They are your experiences. That's the important thing. When we meditate, we're not looking for any specific outcome. We're not meditating to make ourselves feel good. We're not meditating to avoid our problems. We're simply meditating and, in so doing, we are slowly learning to be with our present moment experience - good, bad or indifferent.
I look forward to getting to know you here on the forum.
All good things,
Jon, Hove

Hi Lee,

Welcome to the site!

Everything you're experiencing sounds perfectly normal.
It's good to read you're so observing of yourself. That's a definite plus!

Remember that mindfulness isn't about feeling good! It is about observing what is, and accepting that it is there!
So if you feel bad after the practice, that's fine. The point is that you notice that you're feeling bad, and that you accept that you feel that way (there is no point in denying what already is).
In time things tend to heal because of that approach!

Keep practicing. You've made a very good start!

Peter

[EDIT] While I wrote this, Jon posted his response; which is great. So my response might be pretty redundant, but here it is anyway

Thank you both for your replies, they are very helpful.

I thought that I shouldn't be concerned with how I felt each time, I think I just got caught up in it a bit because of how my mood has been recently. I am using it to help with my anxiety and to toughen myself up against future bad news, but I guess I shouldn't be thinking so much about goals.

I am enjoying the experience, so I will try to let go of any expectations I have and just be present for the ride. Any positives that come from the experience are just a plus on top.

I really like this book. The explanation of auto pilot rang major bells for me. I think I spend so much time on auto pilot, and I never noticed that was what I was doing.
I have said to people in the past that I can get in the car and drive a regular journey (like to work), and the only recollection I have is getting in and then getting out at the work car park. Until now, I didn't really question it or think about it.

Since I am new, I find the guided meditations useful. They make it so easy to follow so that I can concentrate on what I need to instead of worrying about if I am doing it right. I think the biggest relief is the total lack of pressure! Given my current emotional state, I am thankful that the book and meditations are so forgiving and reassuring. I like the fact that it tells me not to be hard on myself as I can't do anything wrong. I have been very hard on myself recently for not being strong and for having to rely on others for help, so this has a positive effect on me.

I have been reading some of the other posts here and it looks like an excellent resource! Thanks for your input.

We're glad to help you in any way we can Lee!

I'd like to emphasize one thing:

You said: "I am using it to help with my anxiety and to toughen myself up against future bad news, but I guess I shouldn't be thinking so much about goals."

Please know that mindfulness isn't going to toughen you up! Fighting or toughening is exactly the opposite of what we want. We want to let the things be as the are for now, as almost all suffering is caused by us fighting ourselves!

Peter

Hi!

Welcome to the forum. Do not hesitate with anything that you want to ask - that's what we're here for.

There are many people who find it difficult to start a mindfulness practice in times of intense emotion, so just be mindful of that.

Be assured that there is no way to fail at meditation. All that meditation asks is that we show up for what is already there. Showing up is the important part.

This journey will be full of ups and downs. Lots of self-compassion and acceptance will serve you well. The effects of mindfulness aren't obvious overnight; they creep up on you very slowly. Mindfulness has so much to offer, though. I would describe the effect that it has had on my life as nothing short of miraculous.

Good luck!

Thank you for the insight Peter.

I think toughen up was poor choice of wording. I have always fought emotion, and this is where I have been going wrong. I'm hoping I can learn to be more accepting of my emotions, and not let them rule me so much.

If I can start to recognise my emotions and experience them in the now, then I wont use them to create negative futures for myself. If that makes sense?

I think there is a part of the book (I may need to go back and read again) about waiting for good things to happen in our lives to balance out the bad, but since we have a tendency toward bad thoughts the good things need to be really good. If you can notice more of the good things that happen every day that we miss, then you become more balanced. Maybe I remember it wrong, but it struck a chord with me.

I think you've got the right attitude!

Peter

Thank you.

"I think there is a part of the book (I may need to go back and read again) about waiting for good things to happen in our lives to balance out the bad, but since we have a tendency toward bad thoughts the good things need to be really good. If you can notice more of the good things that happen every day that we miss, then you become more balanced. Maybe I remember it wrong, but it struck a chord with me."

Someone, I forget who, said that pleasant thoughts are like Teflon and unpleasant thoughts are like Velcro. That seems pretty accurate.
When we first come to mindfulness it's normal to have goals. We want to feel less anxious, less depressed. We want to experience more happiness etc. These goals tend to fall away as we continue to practice. We begin to understand that mindfulness isn't about getting anywhere. It's about being more present in the moment, rather than wishing we were in some other moment - the very thing that causes us so much suffering.
It takes time, patience and a lot of self-compassion.
Cheers,
Jon