How to be mindful while interacting with people

[self-conscious]

I have read a bit about mindfulness and meditation. I have meditated a little. So far, it just seems like a boring chore. I don’t feel any benefit when I do it.

I don’t understand how meditation is supposed to help me be in the present in a situation where I’m interacting with people and I feel self-conscious, negative and not confident. Am I supposed to think about my breathing to keep negative thoughts out of my head?

[JonW]

"Am I supposed to think about my breathing to keep negative thoughts out of my head?"

No, that's not it at all. Mindfulness is not about stopping thoughts.
I would suggest you read some Jon Kabat-Zinn books. Or Finding Peace In A Frantic World by Mark Williams & Danny Penman which will guide you through the 8-week mindfulness course.
It does help if you approach mindfulness with self-compassion and open curiosity. If you find it to be a boring chore, it's probably not the practice for you.
Best wishes,
Jon

[phrs16]

"I don’t understand how meditation is supposed to help me be in the present in a situation where I’m interacting with people and I feel self-conscious, negative and not confident."

Okay. I'll try to make a point here.

There is a difference between Mindfulness Awareness and the Self-Focused Attention found in Social Anxiety. This is a very, very subtle topic (and distinction) but we can manage to find some interesting information - and if someone can contribute, I'll love to see more of this stuff here. The paragraph below is taken from the article Rethinking Rumination.

Watkins (2008) and colleagues (Teasdale, Segal, & Williams,
1995; Watkins, 2004; Watkins & Teasdale, 2001) have
distinguished between two types of rumination: one that
involves abstract, evaluative thoughts about the self or emotion
and current circumstances, and another that involves a
nonevaluative awareness of present experiences, which
Watkins and colleagues have referred to as concrete rumination
or mindful experiencing/being. Similar distinctions have
been made between monitoring and evaluating one’s mood and
the ability to be aware of and label one’s moods without evaluating
them (Reeves, Watson, Ramsey, & Morris, 1995; Swinkels
& Giuliano, 1995).

In Social Anxiety Cognitive Model we can find information that says that one main content of social anxiety phenomena is Self-Focused Attention and the Construction of Oneself as a Social Object (http://goo.gl/dFtg7G)

"One of the most significant changes that occurs when a social phobic enters a feared situation is a shift in attentional focus. When social phobics think they are in danger of negative evaluation by others, they shift their attention to detailed monitoring and observation of themselves. As pointed out above, this attentional shift is problematic because it produces an enhanced awareness of feared anxiety responses and interferes with processing the situation and other's people behavior. In addition, and perhaps more important for understanding maintenance, social phobic appears to use the interoceptive information produced by self-focus to construct an impression of themselves that they assume reflects what other people actually notice and think about them".

As I said, this subject is subtle.

In Mindfulness, you can see your negative thoughts as simply negative. You are in a social situation and a thought appear "nobody will like my joke". You'll see this thought as a negative useless thought and will let it go. The thought simply isn't true. You accept what you think and feel. You accept what others think and feel about you. If you feel anxious when talking with other people, it's ok! It's just what you are feeling. So what is the big deal?

In Social Anxiety you become self-consciouss (or self-aware) based on evaluation and performance. You get self conciouss of your heart beating and think "I'll look nervous and other people will perceive, they will think I'm weird". This makes you pay less attention on the conversation and you start to misinterpret what you feeling (anxiety) by what other people are actually perceiving of you ("everybody can see it"). You check your body language and voice tone all the time to see if you are looking and displaying "cool". You expect other's people reaction from your jokes, and if they don't, you get even more anxious.

Can you see the difference?

In Mindfulness you are perceiving the situation. In Social Anxiety you are monitoring your own bodily reactions in order to try to make an impression and avoid fears like being joked at or lose status in some way.

Does this make some sense?

[self-conscious]

So with mindfulness you can have illogical negative thoughts, but you can distance yourself from the thoughts and let them go? Therefore your are not effected or distracted by the thoughts?

I know many of my negative thoughts are not logical or exaggerated, but they still effect my behavior anyway.

"In Social Anxiety you become self-consciouss (or self-aware) based on evaluation and performance. You get self conciouss of your heart beating and think "I'll look nervous and other people will perceive, they will think I'm weird". This makes you pay less attention on the conversation and you start to misinterpret what you feeling (anxiety) by what other people are actually perceiving of you ("everybody can see it"). You check your body language and voice tone all the time to see if you are looking and displaying "cool". You expect other's people reaction from your jokes, and if they don't, you get even more anxious.

Can you see the difference?

In Mindfulness you are perceiving the situation. In Social Anxiety you are monitoring your own bodily reactions in order to try to make an impression and avoid fears like being joked at or lose status in some way.

Does this make some sense?

[self-conscious]

I have read parts of several books on mindfulness, such as "Search Inside Yourself" by Chade-Meng Tan, and "The Confidence Gap" by Russ Harris. I may consider looking at the books you suggested.
I find just sitting and not being able to daydream, kind of boring; but I haven't spent a lot time meditating.

"Am I supposed to think about my breathing to keep negative thoughts out of my head?"

No, that's not it at all. Mindfulness is not about stopping thoughts.
I would suggest you read some Jon Kabat-Zinn books. Or Finding Peace In A Frantic World by Mark Williams & Danny Penman which will guide you through the 8-week mindfulness course.
It does help if you approach mindfulness with self-compassion and open curiosity. If you find it to be a boring chore, it's probably not the practice for you.
Best wishes,
Jon

[Janknitz]

All week I've been meditating using the guided meditation embedded in a Google talk given by Jon Kabat Zinn (google the YouTube video--you should watch the whole thing but the meditation begins around 25 minutes in). He explains this all so very elegantly, simply and clearly. One thing he says is that your thoughts are not truths, they are just thoughts.

The practice of mindfulness meditation seems to help you learn and understand that over time. I'm very new to meditation practice, so for now I'm just concentrating on learning from my meditation. So far I have no clue how to carry that out into the real world (yes, I'm signed up for an MBSR 8-week course that begins in March ). But I suspect this is how it will translate in the real world--what I think about what other people are thinking about me is not necessarily the truth. The real challenge is to be mindful and aware of what is really happening around me, rather than what I think is happening.

I saw a T-shirt once that said "What other people think about me is none of my business," and I suspect that's one of the lessons mindfulness teaches.

I know one of my beginner anxieties is what to do with all the thoughts that pass through my mind when I'm trying to meditate. Kabat Zinn explains so nicely that what the meditation is really about is NOT clearing the mind and not having those thoughts. It's recognizing the thoughts as they occur (becoming aware of the thoughts) and then coming back to the breath. "if you have 10,000 thoughts and have to come back to the breath 10,000 times, that's what you are supposed to do--it's not about the breath, it's about the awareness." And I loved this statement "Every breath is a new beginning."

I don't feel anywhere nearly ready to take this mindful practice out into the real world yet although I recognize at some point, it would seem, that's necessary to do so. Right now I'm just trying to "strengthen my mindfulness muscle"

[JonW]

"I have read parts of several books on mindfulness, such as "Search Inside Yourself" by Chade-Meng Tan, and "The Confidence Gap" by Russ Harris.'

I wouldn't describe either of those as mindfulness books.
Perhaps this is where the confusion comes in.
Jon

[self-conscious]

I wouldn't say that my ideas about mindfulness are exactly based on what I've read. Regarding the books Iooked at: the techniques described in them seem similar to other things I've read about meditation and mindfulness. Jon Kabat-Zinn co-wrote the introduction for Chade-Meng Tan's Search Inside Yourself. The web site mindful.org talks about the book's " groundbreaking mindfulness-based training program" http://www.mindful.org/mindfulness-practice/mindfulness-and-awareness/search-inside-yourself.

"I have read parts of several books on mindfulness, such as "Search Inside Yourself" by Chade-Meng Tan, and "The Confidence Gap" by Russ Harris.'

I wouldn't describe either of those as mindfulness books.
Perhaps this is where the confusion comes in.
Jon

[self-conscious]

I read about a meditation technique, in The Confidence Gap by Russ Harris, where you imagine your thoughts drifting away down a stream; so that you don't dwell on them. I tried to do that but was not successful.

So instead, when I meditate, I count my breaths up to 10; then start over. When my mind starts wandering, I think: "oops, got to concentrate on my breaths". I don't know if that is a good way to meditate.

All week I've been meditating using the guided meditation embedded in a Google talk given by Jon Kabat Zinn (google the YouTube video--you should watch the whole thing but the meditation begins around 25 minutes in). He explains this all so very elegantly, simply and clearly. One thing he says is that your thoughts are not truths, they are just thoughts.

The practice of mindfulness meditation seems to help you learn and understand that over time. I'm very new to meditation practice, so for now I'm just concentrating on learning from my meditation. So far I have no clue how to carry that out into the real world (yes, I'm signed up for an MBSR 8-week course that begins in March ). But I suspect this is how it will translate in the real world--what I think about what other people are thinking about me is not necessarily the truth. The real challenge is to be mindful and aware of what is really happening around me, rather than what I think is happening.

I saw a T-shirt once that said "What other people think about me is none of my business," and I suspect that's one of the lessons mindfulness teaches.

I know one of my beginner anxieties is what to do with all the thoughts that pass through my mind when I'm trying to meditate. Kabat Zinn explains so nicely that what the meditation is really about is NOT clearing the mind and not having those thoughts. It's recognizing the thoughts as they occur (becoming aware of the thoughts) and then coming back to the breath. "if you have 10,000 thoughts and have to come back to the breath 10,000 times, that's what you are supposed to do--it's not about the breath, it's about the awareness." And I loved this statement "Every breath is a new beginning."

I don't feel anywhere nearly ready to take this mindful practice out into the real world yet although I recognize at some point, it would seem, that's necessary to do so. Right now I'm just trying to "strengthen my mindfulness muscle"