A long hard beginning

[Geiko]

I'm new to this forum, and want to say hello and introduce myself I have read personal stories of many of you on this forum, and really appreciate them.

English is not my mother language so sometimes I sound a bit 2dimensional I'm 31 years old, and I first came to mindfullnes trough the book Zen buddhism and psychoanalysis by Erich Fromm and D. T. Suzuki. Although I was am very interested in different religions or philosophies and like to learn about them, I don't practice any of them, but have developed a practice according to my personal beliefs and try to practice mindfulness troughout the day. All I know of meditation is trough books, a few months of practice with a zen buddhist group, and personal practice. So I assume that I have some wrong conceptions about mindfulness.

I have a history of trauma and PTSD, I coped for about 6 years with medication and psychotherapy, and I'm glad that I'm stable enough now to be able to work and spend nice time with my husband and little daughter. I am the so called advanced worrier and most of the day I deal with mind chatter.

My practice consists of a prayer, then I repeat my personal mantras and do reach a feeling of peace and presence, that I really welcome every time and then I pray for others and remember what is really important to me.

During the day I try to stay aware and focused on the moment, but I have very great trouble with that. My mind is like a monkey. At the end of the day I'm so tired I feel I have been wrestling the whole day and I just want to cry to relief all the tension that has built up.

I sometimes try to just contemplate my thoughts, but when I do that my thoughts disappear. When a new thought arises, I look at it and it automatically dissapears before I even finished thinking it. So I don't understand how I should contemplate my thoughts if they disappear?

I have one big wish, and that is to quiet the mind, be present and be happy. Mindfullness feels so hard for me, and that is why I think I'm doing things wrong. I don't feel any progress. Is it normal to be hard in the beginning?

[Gareth]

The mind is a monkey. A naughty little monkey that runs around doing what it wants a lot of the time.

Try and forget about the mind; you aren't trying to control it, you're just trying to become aware of it. If you notice your mind scurrying off to places you don't want it be, don't judge yourself, just escort your mind back to the focus of your attention.

Do this over and over every single day in meditation and eventually you will get better at it.

It may be that eventually your mind will become 'quieter' - mine did, but try and lose this as a goal.

I hope you can read what I'm saying OK, your english seems pretty good to me. Maybe you could come and work for us as a translator.

[Geiko]

I supose I am trying too hard I'm trying to stop my self from thinking negative, because it makes me feel depressive. There are certainly others with depression, anxieties or PTSD who experience this. How do you deal with negative thoughts? Do you just ignore them?

I see Mindfulness as a tool to stop all those negative thoughts that hold me back from happiness. But maybe it's not a tool. Are you saying I should try to forget that goal, and try to accept my monkey mind?

Thank you for you compliment I'm open to new possibilities.

[Metaphysical Me]

Hi Geiko,

My favourite meditations are "forget everything you know" and the "reset button" meditation.

I'll post the links for you:

http://aflourishinglife.com/2012/03/press-reset/

http://aflourishinglife.com/2012/11/not-knowing/

[Geiko]

Thank you for the links I guess I'll see it as a sign that I really should stop trying to control everything. I'm afraid to not plan the day, because I think that I'll be late for the birthday tomorow for example, or that I'll forget something important, like a meeting.

I will "Not know" on this weekend, Saturday and Sunday That will be like checking with the finger if the water is cold, before deciding to jump in

[Metaphysical Me]

Hi Geiko,

well, if you're feeling uncertain, you can just do these meditations for, say, 20 minutes and then go back to your "normal" mode...

You don't need to change your whole life and whole way of living overnight.

Maybe 20 mintues of "not knowing" will make you feel a little peacefuller - and then that little bit of less stress may accompany you for a few hours...

Baby steps!

[Metaphysical Me]

Especially if you're struggling with PTSD issues. Then, control has kept you safe for a long time - it will be hard to give it up - so be gentle with yourself and enjoy any progress that you observe, without having so many expectations.

Good luck!!!!

P.S. No, I don't think you're meant to "just accept" your monkey mind. But it's one of the paradoxes of mindfulness - you have to accept it first, to change it. "The only way out is through". Accept the fact that *now* your mind is a monkey mind. And that *in part* it always will be. Then you have a chance of moving to a place where your mind is not *always* a monkey mind...

[JonW]

Hi Geiko.
Welcome to the forum.
Regarding thoughts, mindfulness teaches us to see them simply as thoughts rather than anything with any solidity. In mindfulness we're not trying to stop thoughts (or feelings) but to learn to accept them as they arise, simply by noticing them and not being swept away by them.
A good book to read would be Mindfulness: Finding Peace In A Frantic World by Mark Williams and Danny Penman, or any of the Jon Kabat-Zinn books.
Like Gareth says, daily practice is key.
All best, Jon

[Cheesus]

Hi Geiko

The most difficult thing at the beginning can be learning to let go of goals in mindfulness. It is great that you want to better yourself, but don't think that you are practicing to achieve some goal, rather think that you are practicing simply to know yourself as you are right now.

If you are interested in the philosophy/psychology of Buddhism, which I am guessing you are to an extent as it obviously ties directly into mindfulness, then I recommend you check out the website www.audiodharma.org as it has a large number of immensely useful talks given by very well regarded meditation teachers. I use it regularly and it really helps to ground and direct my practice.

Also, regarding your anxiety disorder, it is important to remember that mindfulness is simply a single tool. There are also many other tools. For instance, lovingkindness is another great meditative too. However there are other things that you might find helpful such as exercise, distraction, calming self-talk (a big favourite of mine), hobbies etc. In Buddhist philosophy, there is an emphasis on Upaya (skill in means). Thinking about things in terms of what is skilful right now has really helped me to be proactive in addressing my own health issues.

Best of luck!
Alex

[betty.etal]

Geiko

I'm new here too and also dealing with long term PTSD. I just wanted to post to encourage you to hang in there. Meditation has really helped me to see that thoughts are just thoughts, they aren't truth. While I'm not always able to do it, often now when thoughts arise I can see them for what they are - passing throughts, not truth. It can be really hard to do with some types of thoughts, but even the toughest ones don't have any hold on you any more once you can see them simply as thoughts and accept them.

Something that has helped me that maybe will be helpful to you is to learn that all thoughts originate from an intention of being helpful somehow. It's just that the intention is coming from a primitive, young part of our brain, that didn't learn helpful coping skills. I am a lot more able to be accepting of seemingly destructive thoughts now that I understand they are all an attempt by a part of my brain to keep me safe. I seriously recommending reading some of the material on Pete Walker's website about complex PTSD - his articles on the inner critic were hugely eye opening for me and enabled me to see the types of thoughts that he lists in his writings as being an attempt by a part of me to keep me safe. Somehow that made it much easier to simply observe them and not need to buy into them, and interestingly in accepting them and their positive intention, they have reduced in volume enormously! (Note however that I don't agree with his getting angry at the inner critic, I think mindfulness is much more helpful!)

Best wishes on your practice and recovery,

Betty