Everyday Mindfulness

Hi All

today is a difficult day for me and I have a question that I need some help with please.

Is it wrong to distract yourself if you can't deal with what is coming up for you?

Thanks

Can I ask what it is you are distracting yourself from?

My question would be: how do you know you can or cannot deal with something if it is yet to arrive?
By my rough estimate, 99% of the things we worry about never occur or else the worry is eventually sorted.
If your particular worry falls into that 1%, then you do need to take decisive and not distractive action. But mindfully.
Jon Kabat-Zinn says that "So long you are breathing, then there's more right with you than wrong with you."
Wise words indeed.
All best, Jon

Gareth my feelings about inability to cope with life and/or depression

Jon i see your point I am working on the way ive felt/dealt with things previously

Today turned out to be an awful day today fell out with colleagues at work and had a little prang in car. Been beating myself up ever since.

That sounds like a tough day indeed.
I think reflecting on the way you've managed things previously can be helpful but it can also pull us back into old thoughts and feelings. I love a quote from a therapist called Yalom who said eventually we need to give up on trying to have a better past.
What's gone before is gone. Being aware you want to distract yourself means you are mindful of what's going on for you right now.
Try and be kind to yourself and keep talking to us OK?

guess today wasnt so mindful!!!

Jenna wrote:guess today wasnt so mindful!!!

It seems there was mindfulness there - you have been aware of what you have been feeling during those times. This is a huge victory in itself - I have to remind myself of that when I am aware of my negative feelings during diificult encounters - there have been times in my life when I automatically resorted to numbing myself and not even recognising my negative feelings for what they really were.

Pain is never going to disappear from our lives, and so our relationship to the pain of upset in the workplace or failures and accidents must be worked with. Over time one gains a tolerance to such inevitable and often inescapable pain, and although complete acceptance of it is a lifetime's work, our ability to accept it does grow day by day as we practice mindfulness.

Regarding actively distracting oneself from 'what is', of course no one wants to do such a thing, and yet if one does, then I think it's always good to remind oneself that one is doing one's best, and the sun will always rise no matter what happens.

Jenna wrote:Gareth my feelings about inability to cope with life and/or depression

Jon i see your point I am working on the way ive felt/dealt with things previously

Today turned out to be an awful day today fell out with colleagues at work and had a little prang in car. Been beating myself up ever since.

Hi Jenna - I empathise with that feeling like a bad day, car issues and falling out with colleagues are two of the things that can really get to me.

This is a really interesting question you asked about whether it is 'wrong' to distract yourself. I heard Mark Williams (one of the founders of mindfulness-based cognitive therapy) speak at a conference a few weeks ago, and was surprised to hear him say that sometimes distraction is a good and skillful option - I think what is important is what we mean by distraction, because it can mean many different things. In that context, Mark was referring to when our experience is overwhelming and intolerable - if it is too much (for example really distressing thoughts), it may be kinder to ourselves to shift our focus to an external object or the breath, rather than try and keep our focus on the source of distress. We can gain a lot from sitting with something that is unpleasant, but if it is too much it can be wiser to step away then later try and dip a toe in and gradually get used to exploring whatever this is.

One of the central aims of mindfulness-based cognitive therapy is to be able to become aware of patterns of thinking that can lead to depression and step back from them (for example, we have an argument with someone, we then think, 'this always happens', 'why can I not handle things better?' 'I should be able to control myself' 'I'm useless' 'I'll never be able to cope' and so on) - If we have previously experienced depression, it is likely that lines of thought like this are easy to fall into. A bit like walking through a forest, there may be a well-trodden path which it is more easy to follow without having to think about it. But if we can spot that we are getting caught in one of these thought patterns, we can recognise "I am aware that I am thinking... (thought) and it is just a thought" then come back to the breath or some other focus. Each time you do this, you're beginning to carve a new path through the forest which gets easier to walk with time.

You could call this distraction - because it is taking yourself away from what is happening - but you could just as easily call it becoming aware, shifting your focus, breaking an automatic cycle or many other things, all of which are normal in mindfulness practice. The key is that it is not about forcing or pushing something away or trying to block it out - it is about changing your relationship to your experience, being kind to yourself for having these thoughts (because we all can and do), and knowing that they will pass. When your mood is low it is more likely that you get more of these thought patterns occurring - I have found that changing my relationship to feeling low has made a big difference - I used to be worried that if I felt low, this meant that I was starting to fall into depression again, and this would further feed depressive thoughts - instead now, I realise that it's okay to feel low - and I know that in time this feeling passes. Starting to explore these connections and cycles can be really interesting and useful, but when things feel too overwhelming you always do have the option of coming back to the breath or any other focus to help ground you.

Peter wrote: I heard Mark Williams (one of the founders of mindfulness-based cognitive therapy) speak at a conference a few weeks ago, and was surprised to hear him say that sometimes distraction is a good and skillful option - I think what is important is what we mean by distraction, because it can mean many different things. In that context, Mark was referring to when our experience is overwhelming and intolerable - if it is too much (for example really distressing thoughts),

Really? It would be interesting to see that statement in more of a context. I can't imagine how that would be a positive direction to go in - to stop being mindful and distract oneself - I think this is what Jenna was asking about. Can anyone else support this idea with a quote?

Peter wrote:it may be kinder to ourselves to shift our focus to an external object or the breath, rather than try and keep our focus on the source of distress.

So it seems the advice is that one should remain mindful, but of a different dimension to the moment, but why would one be focusing on a distressing thought as part of a mindfulness practice? Maybe it's semantics that are the issue here, but a distressing thought - any thought - is witnessed from a distance in formal MBSR practice and not directly engaged, from what I have encountered. Is this not the case? Focusing on the thought is engaging it, it seems, while being aware of it in an accepting yet detached way means that it's power to create unhealthy tension within us is greatly diminished. The use of words such as 'focus' ("focus on the breath") and 'detached awareness' ("witness tension in the mind and body with detached awareness") appear to require careful use when we are discussing MBSR practice and methodology.

Peter wrote:We can gain a lot from sitting with something that is unpleasant, but if it is too much it can be wiser to step away then later try and dip a toe in and gradually get used to exploring whatever this is.

I agree, and so it seems we can 'distract' ourselves with another activity, but another mindful activity (i.e. like mindful running, for example). Is that what Mark was suggesting?

The formal sitting practice can be intense, and so we can work out some tension and energy through mindful physical exercise, for example.

My understanding is that it is about observing a thought (or feeling), rather than focussing on it. To observe that the thought has arisen, then returning to the anchor (breath, sound, body).
By "distraction", surely Mr. Williams is referring to those same anchors, rather than any form of avoidance.
In the "difficult emotions" meditation, if memory serves, Williams talks about moving up close to a thought or feeling, exploring its "texture". Or is that Kabat-Zinn? Similarly, Sogyal Rinpoche talks about "leaning into the sharp points."