A long hard beginning

[Ben Fraser]

Hi, thanks for the replies... Yes that makes sense to some extent, beginning mindfulness is just giving my mind the opportunity to sit and worry about the very things I'm trying to avoid... Maybe wrong time, maybe wrong tactic right now, it just seems every activity I undertake with all good intention (distraction) is giving me the time/ability to worry, I can't even concentrate on my work which I have lived for the past 24 years, just feel like I'm drifting at the moment. I will try some of your suggestions, thankyou.

[Cheesus]

Hi, thanks for the replies... Yes that makes sense to some extent, beginning mindfulness is just giving my mind the opportunity to sit and worry about the very things I'm trying to avoid... Maybe wrong time, maybe wrong tactic right now, it just seems every activity I undertake with all good intention (distraction) is giving me the time/ability to worry, I can't even concentrate on my work which I have lived for the past 24 years, just feel like I'm drifting at the moment. I will try some of your suggestions, thankyou.

I'm not saying it will give you time to sit and worry. But mindfulness encourages you to be with what is, and so if you are suffering you need to allow yourself to feel your suffering. There is no wrong experience. I was simply pointing out that you ought to avoid what I did which is to expect mindfulness to circumvent suffering. Unfortunately this is never possible.

As I mentioned, however, it can reduce the suffering we cause ourselves. This was a generic statement, however what I had in mind when I said it was the ability of mindfulness to reduce worry. It might seem slightly paradoxical but being with what is painful is not the same as causing ourselves pain. Mindfulness encourages the former and enables us to skilfully avoid the latter.

Mindfulness can be extremely valuable, particularly in your situation, but it is important to acknowledge how and why you are wielding it. It might be worth getting some one-to-one tuition as Jon mentioned.

Alex

EDIT: My psychotherapist actually conducts one-to-one mindfulness tuition via skype and has trained under world renowned meditation teachers. If you want someone to help guide you into mindfulness in the context of suffering, he would be a good place to start. Drop me a PM if you're interested.

[FeeHutch]

Welcome Ben.
It sounds like you are facing some real challenges and I don't have much I can add to Alex's reply but you are very welcome here. We are a supportive bunch taking each moment as it comes.

[betty.etal]

Ben

I'm sorry that things are so so difficult for you right now.

As the others have said, mindfulness can be difficult to develop in the thick of lots of worries, and developing compassion can sometimes be a more skilful place to start. I have a dissociative disorder and have struggled to have any mindfulness when stressed, and have been working with body scans, and I find them helpful, but only when I can be compassionate with mind running off after touching in to my body for a nano-second. With persistence (and not judging myself each time mind runs away), if I bring my focus back to the body part I'm on when I notice I'm back in worrying mind, things do quiet down some eventually and I am able to become more centred and aware of the now. I found the simple presentation of developing a mindfulness practice in "The MBSR Workbook" helpful in inspiring me to hang in there with the body scan.

I also just want to say that your daughter will be finding her own way through and as much as want to help her, to fix things, to make it better, the best thing you really can do is just love her, love her and trust that she will find her own way through. My parents worry about me and that doesn't help me. What all of us dealing with these challenges need is someone to love us and see us for who we are, beyond the suffering that is apparent.

Hang in there,

Betty

[betty.etal]

Hello again Ben

I just wanted to add what a wonderful thing it is that you are doing, looking to mindfulness in your own life. It's one of the biggest gifts you could give your daughter - working to increase mindfulness and compassion in your own life. Both help us to be there more for others.

Betty

[mikerr]

Hi Ben,

It really sounds as though you could use some support. May I suggest you see if there is a Carers Group in your area? You could check with your local Social Services office or Mental Health team to see if there is group near you.

Mike

[Geiko]

Hello Ben,

I am sorry to hear what you are going trough. I went trough several traumatising situations, anxiety, depression and finally post traumatic stress dissorder, and I am feeling good and capable for mindfulness now, after about 20 years. I am repeating this only to let you know that I will tell you the following from my own experience.

You are in the middle of a traumatic situation. You are still not able to heal because your traumatic situation has not come to an end. If mindfulness or books are helping, by all means stick with them, but from your post I came to the conclusion the're not. I am sorry but I am not encouraging you to stick with mindfulness or self-help books, but rather come to them later, when you feel that the trauma is over and you are ready to heal, except, I repeat, if you feel they are helping you now.

The only thing I can recomend you from my heart is to contact a psychologist for yourself to help you lead you trough this hard situation and to help cause less damage to your health and your relationship with your daughter. That way you will have less to deal with after the crisis is over. The other recomendation is to search a psychiatrist for your daughter. That is what my father did when I vas about 19, and that SAVED my life! What your daughter goes trough are illnesses that are not left alone! You would not treat tuberculosis by yourself. I went into 4 years of psychiatric therapy and 3 years of psychologic therapy, and I am so grateful for that. I am healthy now, physically and mentally, and now I am capable of helping myself with self-help books and mindfulness.

You are a very smart man, going out seeking help, that is what my father did and what saved me. Let me know if there is anything I can do to help.