Week 5 - turning towards difficulties

[davebhoy]

Hi Jon

Sorry, my post was misleading, I have been doing 45 mins to an hour a day every day for the five weeks, following a program. The 30 mins was one exercise that dealt specifically with turning towards difficulties, the other days involved a forty minute practice, both with other practices.

Reflecting on things this evening, its pretty clear that I am becoming more aware of difficult thoughts and situations, but I'm clearly in problem solving mode when I do become aware. The temptation is to charge at them, and in particular to "do something" about the anxiety which can be extremely unpleasant. I'm wondering if repeating week 5 might be a good idea, with the new understanding in mind

[Gareth]

Have you had a look at the week 5 topic:
viewtopic.php?f=21&t=3497

This is a notoriously difficult part of the course. You might benefit from reading about other peoples' experiences.

[davebhoy]

Thank you

I woke up again this morning at 5 o'clock and wrestled with my anxiety for a coupe of hours before the school drop off. I came back home and went back to bed and turned my thoughts to the screaming anxiety.

With no diversion, no tea or coffee for a short term fix I actually felt more anxious than I have for a long long time. Every time I dropped off I woke up shortly after with a sharp intake of breath from a very anxious dream.

I'm aware that the anxiety and the pain that accompanies it has been with me for some time but after a few days of overdoing it and now turning my attention to it, I am extremely uncomfortable. My thoughts are almost out of control, I am paranoid, irrational and extremely anxious. It's not pleasant at all. I'm doing all the things that I do when I'm like this, only worse than normal, catastrophising about every part of life that I can.

I am going to look at week 5 again this week, with everyone's thoughts and some new understanding in mind.

[davebhoy]

Or should I do week 6 and then go back and do week 7?

[SheilaB]

That's an interesting point Jon about length of time to practice. When I first did the Breathworks course we were given meditations of 45 mins to do. I'll be honest, I got so frustrated & agitated that I stopped doing them at all.

It was only using the 10-min meditations on Mark Williams' CD that got me back into sitting practice.

We give meditations starting at 10 mins now on the Breathworks course so people can build up. I do now do much longer sessions but I think you're right, it's always important to do what feels right for you at that point on your path.

Sheila

[JonW]

Hi.
Great points, Sheila.
The 45 minutes per day "target" was and, I assume, still is part of the Jon Kabat-Zinn method of teaching the 8-week-course. His take on it is, "You don't need to like it, just do it," gently arguing that doing 45 mins gets you past the stages of boredom, irritation etc. that will be familiar to most of us in the early stages of meditation.
I'm only speaking from personal experience but I followed JKZ's advice and found that it grounded me in mindfulness in such a way that I now find 45 minutes of meditation much easier than doing ten minutes. Strangely or not, 45 minutes flies by, whereas ten minutes on a busy day can be quite challenging.
What feels right is exactly that.
Good things,
Jon

[davebhoy]

To update briefly

I am sticking to doing week 5 again, today will be the third day.

I am taking some time off work to do some studying at the moment but I'm not able to apply myself at all, the anxiety is pretty bad and makes concentration difficult.

I think the truth is that I have never turned my attention to it before, the shame and fear of being "different," weak and vulnerable means that i have never really allowed myself to accept that the fatigue and anxiety are there and a part of my experience. I'm rarely in the present when I feel like this, I prefer to drift off into the fantasy that I have created for my life. Anything other than what I had planned for my life needs to be ignored or conquered and this certainly doesn't fit into my ideal. I'm scared to admit to it, I'm scared to think about it because of what it means and what that might bring.

However, while it is painful to turn towards it instead of fighting it or trying to ignore it or improve it, there is something exciting about it as well. I feel like there's something very positive happening, something quite fundamental.

[davebhoy]

To update,

I have stuck with the week 5 practice and with the difficult thoughts and feelings, and there has been a really fundamental change in the way I'm looking at the anxiety and paranoia that has been a characteristic of my experience ever since I was a child. It is having a profound effect on my ability to stay in the present moment as well, with all that brings. Life seems so much easier.

[James123]

That's great to read, Dave. May I suggest (if you haven't already) purchasing At Last a Life by Paul David to help you with your anxiety and all other ailments associated with anxiety.

I know I know, another book. But trust me on this, it will help. I had tried everything (more than pretty much anyone I know) over 15 years and spent a small fortune all in order to beat my anxiety. None of them worked. Half the battle was just that, the battle. Anxiety sufferers don't need to "fight" anything. That's what keeps us in the loop.

I wish this book had been written much sooner or at least I had come across it sooner. I dread to think how much of my life I have wasted (and still waste, I am far from fixed) on anxiety, unhelpful thoughts, avoidance and denial.

Get the book and read it. Then read it again. Then read it again whilst highlighting the parts relevant to you and keep reading it as and when. And keep off the internet looking for cures or magical pills and forums (apart from this one, naturally). They simply don't exist and forums for anxiety/depression/ocd etc etc sufferers often make things worse.

The author had no knowledge of mindfulness when writing the book but there are many mindful aspects in the book. I understand he is looking in to mindfulness/meditation etc and will be updating the book in due course.

Just my two penneth!

[James123]

That's great to read, Dave. May I suggest (if you haven't already) purchasing At Last a Life by Paul David to help you with your anxiety and all other ailments associated with anxiety.

I know I know, another book. But trust me on this, it will help. I had tried everything (more than pretty much anyone I know) over 15 years and spent a small fortune all in order to beat my anxiety. None of them worked. Half the battle was just that, the battle. Anxiety sufferers don't need to "fight" anything. That's what keeps us in the loop.

I wish this book had been written much sooner or at least I had come across it sooner. I dread to think how much of my life I have wasted (and still waste, I am far from fixed) on anxiety, unhelpful thoughts, avoidance of people/places and denial.

Get the book and read it. Then read it again. Then read it again whilst highlighting the parts relevant to you and keep reading it as and when. And keep off the internet looking for cures or magical pills and forums (apart from this one, naturally). They simply don't exist and forums for anxiety/depression/ocd etc etc sufferers often make things worse.

The author had no knowledge of mindfulness when writing the book but there are many mindful aspects in the book. I understand he is looking in to mindfulness/meditation etc and will be updating the book in due course.

Just my two penneth!