Grief - please help

[JonW]

Hi Matt,
Key to this is understanding that thoughts are never a problem unless they are taken to be something they are not. As Suzanne Segal writes, "If they are seen to be just thoughts and ideas, they are not being identified with."
Mindfulness teaches us to see thoughts purely as thoughts. "Mere secretions of the mind," as Jon Kabat-Zinn says.
It's when we get caught caught up in the content of thoughts that our problems begin.
Cheers,
Jon, Hove

[Matt Y]

MattG,

Those are really very, very good questions you've posed.
My suggestion is that you would be best looking to answer them yourself. That's the only way you can really know what's true for you. Better still, leave them available as open questions, rather than things to solve. Any answers might best be considered provisional, rather than factual. That said, here's my opinion / recommendation.

1. I think I am supposed to seek to recognise I am thinking when I am thinking. When we become aware of autimoatic thoughts, do we let them peter out or conclude? If they 'stop' when we shine the light on them, do we force the conclusion?

Notice what happens in your experience, when you become aware of thoughts. In my view, there is no need to try and stop, or conclude, a thought. This is unnecessary, and may lead to a habit of unhealthy suppression. In meditation you can let your thoughts go along as they normally would. After some time, you may then find yourself reflecting back upon those thoughts. In this way you become mindful of your thoughts after you've had them. Mindfulness doesn't have to occur, 'in the moment'. Mindfulness 'after the event' allows you to recognize the habits and tendencies of your mind; whereas mindfulness ' in the moment' may just temporarily interrupt them. (I hope this makes sense, it's a fairly subtle concept).

2. Do I think these things through and be aware that I am thinking them, without striving for the feeling that I have remembered accurately and feel 'just right'? Or should mindfulness be about non-verbal thoughts at all, as far as possible, so I would just feel the compulsion to think and observe whatever thoughts/feelings arise thereafter?

You don't have to perfect your mindfulness practice. It's okay to do a mediocre job! It's more important to be honest about what you are thinking and feeling, rather than striving to be accurate. Our recall will never be entirely perfect or accurate (partly because our memories are continually being reconstructed), and that's okay. Mindfulness does not need to prioritise one aspect of experience over another. You can be mindful of all the varied aspects of your experience; verbal, non-verbal and otherwise.

3. Lastly, if we just say thoughts and emotions are just thoughts and emotions, how do we ver know what is true?

I would have to say that the idea that thoughts and emotions are just thoughts and emotions is a bit silly. Certainly, it's ambiguous and open to misinterpretation. For one, thoughts and emotions can't really be separated. It's the emotional content of a thought, I believe, that gives it meaning. The point here, which others have clarified, is that thoughts don't have to be taken as truth. Most of the time we tend to believe our thoughts unquestioningly. A self-critical or unhelpful thought might pop into our heads, and we accept it as truth. In fact, it's probably not the truth; it's probably just something that we once took to be true - a comment from a parent, teacher, or peer - and have now internalised. It can be helpful to ask: Is this thought true? Is this thought helpful? or, Why do I believe this thought?

Keep exploring,
Matt.

[Hopendreams]

I once saw an interview of an elderly black woman who's college bound grandson was recently gunned down in front of her house as he came to visit her and the interviewer asked if this depression she was feeling would ever go away. She looked at the interviewer with puzzlement and said "depression? Depression is a rich man's disease. On this street we just keep on going on." Let us be careful before we give ourselves a disease that is a word or a name. Let us also own the grief we feel and just keep on going on. Whether you ask a friend or family member or a professional if you need to get help. First you must accept the notion... Jesse Jackson said it best. " You can tell your children that you are not responsible for being down, but you are responsible for getting up." These notions have helped me in times of great sadness and pain. Unfortunately, like everything it may take time. Best wishes to you.

[FeeHutch]

Matt, I'm sorry for your loss. X