A long hard beginning

[Geiko]

Thank you all so much! You don't know me, but you are all putting in time and effort to help me. That makes me really happy and grateful

Gareth, your post gave me another perspective on myself and my practice. And Metaphysical Me, you made me realize that I do put too much pressure on myself, that I expect too much, too fast, so I force myself to the point of emotional exhaustion. I always thought that my stress will become even worse if I accept my mind and it's negative thoughts. But you spoke about control keeping me safe, so I thought I don't have anything to loose if I try for one day to not control my negative thoughts, as I'm not feeling good with the control either.

So I have let myself be the last two days, and I've let go of focusing on my mind and it's thoughts. I've only tried to be in the present moment and accept everything that moment is made of, including my thoughts and emotions. I was actually accepting my thoughts even the negative ones, and actually realized that my mind is trying to protect me, as you have so nicely explained betty.etal. And it seems that the acceptance has already made my thoughts a little bit less severe.

I don't know if that's what mindfulness is, but I had a few short, calm and genuinely happy moments in the last two days, and I am so very grateful for them Now I'm just doing that, not forcing myself but just trying to be aware of the moment, accepting everything including my thoughts.

betty.ettal, thank you for your encouragement Yes it helps me to when I remember that all thoughts originate from an intention of being helpful. I will find time to visit the website you recommend. Me too, I think I shouldn't get angry at any part of me, because after all these hard years I must only have love and understanding for myself.

Yes, Cheesus, it is the most difficult for me, right now, to let go of goals. But I understand that I'm forcing myself too much if I'm focusing on a goal and that I'm thinking in terms of success and failure. Thank you for the link, I will make use of the material, because where I live, there are no talks about meditation given on a regular basis, very rare.

Jon, that is what has helped me the last two days, learning that I don't have to fight and control my mind.

Well I have not reached enlightenment so fast, but I felt a little bit lighter a few minutes for the last few days , and that I something I didn't have ... I can't remember for how long. I hope that those minutes will become more and more.

You are all so kind

[betty.etal]

Geiko

Wow, it sounds like you are doing really great and making mindfulness your own. It's so beautiful when we find those moments of peace through relaxing. I'm realising more and more through learning and observing how important that is. And I was just reading this morning that whatever activities we do over and over are the ones we build strong neural networks for, so people who relax often build strong neural networks for relaxation. I also read in an article on trauma and mindfulness yesterday that trauma survivors are well known for pushing ourselves too hard with mindfulness just as we do with everything - thinking we are never doing enough to heal, and that we really need to learn to relax. Sounds like you are figuring all this stuff out for yourself. Good for you. :0)

Betty

[JonW]

Hi Betty.
Welcome to the forum.
Great post. Thank you.
All best, Jon

[betty.etal]

Hi Jon

Thank you! It's nice to be here. :0)

Betty

[betty.etal]

Geiko

I listened to an amazing talk on "Meditation and Healing Trauma" by an Insight Meditation teacher today. It starts with some scary figures about the amounts of abuse happening, and the story she told make me cry lots, but if you are OK with that, there is a wealth of understanding in the talk in terms of how people who have been traumatised need to get sufficient resources in place before attempting mindfulness. I've found that most mindfulness meditation resources don't talk about the additional challenges if you come from a trauma background, and it's resulted in me essentially chasing my tail with trying to meditate for over 20 years. While what Tara says isn't necessarily easy to do, I think it's better to know about the potential challenges and the resources we need to have in place.

If you want to check it out, go to http://www.tarabrach.com/audioarchives2010.html and then scroll down and look for the one dated 03/31/2010 "Guided Meditation and Healing Trauma"

Best wishes,

Betty

[Geiko]

betty.etal, thank you for the link. Actualy that I experienced that I remembered my traumatising situation 2 years later, after moving to another country. It was very hard. I appreciate many thing sara was talking about, and many things she said came as a confirmation to me that I'm doing quite well What helped me to have these expiriences of moments of peace in the last weeks are several things, insights, practices. They happened over several years, in this chronological order:

Praying and my relationship with God.
Understanding that I can relearn positive thinking and loving (this is a big one ).
Doing affirmations "I realy, realy love myself".
Loosing the goal of calming my mind.
Accepting everything what makes the moment.
Understanding that all the fear and anxiety is only my mind trying to protect myself, and loving my mind for that.

Well I did all these things before, but the difference now is that I somehow learned to do them mindfully, I am so thankfull for that It makes all the differece, especialy with affirmations. If you aren't mindful when speaking those words, it feels just silly.

It is amazing, I'm far from a skillfull meditator, but my mind is slightly calmer then it was, and I do often notice that I'm thinking about the future and past, before I rarely was aware of it.

As for the trauma, if I am aware of the moment, and me in it, what I feel or think is mostly intense, but most of the time it helps if I am also aware that those things I things I feel or think are not happening now, those are only my feelings and thoughts in this moments. It definitly get less intense, because of the new perspective you bring to those thoughts and feelings, like Tara talked about it (CBT).

I thank you, and I wish you all a Happy New Year 2014

[Ben Fraser]

Hi, I'm new to this site, a long hard beginning... I have a long hard story... To most I guess they will be asking yes it's tough but move on... Truth is I can't!
My beautiful 21yr old daughter developed BPD around 6 months ago... She actually suffered with it for longer than this but we, her parents, only became aware of it 6 months ago. The shock of this, her behaviour, the fights, suicide attempts.... The story is endless, has left me, a doting father in pieces, I've lost my little girl as i remember her to this terrible illness, and I can't cope.
I have given the last 6 months up in trying to help her to no avail.
She, at this current time doesn't want anything to do with me... I know or at least hope this will change in the future as she fights this illness, but for now it has left me an empty, broken man.
I just wanted to give a brief background into why I've ended up on this forum... I'm helpless, and have been convinced I need to start looking after my own health before it kills me. I'm going through a constant grieving process, not able to get through it as regularly my daughter will make contact and the whole thing starts again.
I'm starting to ramble now I guess..
I've tried mindfulness, using a number of books, CDs etc etc, but my lack of concentration isn't allowing me to get any benefit from it. My mind constantly drifts, worrying about what's going to happen next. I know this is normal to start with, but my mind drifting is so distracting, upsetting, that I feel I'm wasting my time and end up deliberately avoiding the daily meditation activity which is counterproductive to what I'm trying to achieve.
Can anyone help with suggestions please?

[JonW]

Hi Ben,
Welcome to the forum.
Sorry to hear things have been so tough for you.
Mindfulness can be a challenge for some at first, particularly if they are going through a traumatic time. Learning from a book doesn't suit everybody.
Have you considered finding an 8-week course in your area? Being taught by a "live" teacher can make all the difference in terms of grounding the practice. There are also numerous online options available, including 1-2-1 tuition via Skype with qualified teachers. Please feel free to ask if you would like more details.
Meanwhile, I hope you stick around here.
Wishing you all good things,
Jon, Hove

[Cheesus]

Hi Ben,

I am sorry to hear that you are going through such a tough time. One of my closest friends has bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder. She had a very rocky start to her illnesses. However, over time, she has become much more adept at managing her struggles. You generally find in a majority of people that their welfare significantly improves overtime with these conditions, particularly in borderline personality disorder (not sure which BPD you were referring to).

Mindfulness can be tough. Very often people arrive at it from a difficult place expecting it to provide relief. I came to mindfulness initially seeking escapism. I thought by entering the present moment I could outsmart my own suffering. Not so, unfortunately. Whilst mindfulness can sometimes guide us away from adding to our own suffering, it also often plants us very much in the centre of our own anguish. Mindfulness is an intimate experience with the human condition, and a fact of the human condition is suffering.

This is not to put you off at all. I experience a great deal of suffering in my own life, and mindfulness has proven to be an invaluable tool. However there is a trap that beginners can find themselves in, as they anticipate automatic liberation. However, if your life is very difficult, mindfulness teaches nothing other than to sit with that difficulty. Jack Kornfield's book A Path With Heart is a very useful resource to understand why the spiritual path can often bring us up against what we find most difficult.

In addition, a key instruction of mindfulness is to open to the present moment with compassion and non-jdugementality. In Buddhism, where the practice of mindfulness originated, there is a complimentary meditative practice known as lovingkindness. Often lovingkindness is overlooked as sort of 'supplementary' and not as important as mindfulness. However, it is much better to think of the two as mutually supporting and two parts of a much larger whole. Particularly in instances of great suffering, offering lovingkindness to one's self should be a focus of attention. We can try to sit in the present moment, but if all you have for yourself and your circumstance is nothing but revulsion it can be like swimming against the current. My own mindfulness practice only really opened up once I added in a regular lovingkindness practice. No longer do I practice mindfulness per se, but rather I practice compassion to whatever experience is arising. If this is something you would be interested in I strongly recommend Sharon Salzberg's book Lovingkindness: The Revolutionary Art of Happiness.

Let us know how you get on.
Alex

[Cheesus]

I'd also like to add that mindfulness is a tool, and as such it should be treated as a tool. That is to say, it is not always right for every situation. If you're at your wit's end, for instance, and mindfulness is proving to be difficult, then it is not helpful to continue to strive to be mindful. Instead, distraction in sport, music etc. is often useful. It is beneficial to think in terms of what is the skilful path right now.

Alex