Crying during practice

[Vanessa]

Firstly hello to everyone here

I've only just joined but wanted to post a question about an aspect of practice that I found extremely surprising and I am not sure how to face it. Over the past few months I have become interested in mindfulness, which led me to first read around the subject and to recently attend an introductory course.

To give some background to what brings me to mindfulness and after my own contemplation into why this might be happening...I have had a struggle throughout my life that I have only felt the strength to deal with over the past few years. I have adjusted my life to accept the truth about myself and be open about it. Doing this has led me to find ways to find self acceptance and to deal with a long history of suppressing my emotions, thoughts, actions and being in a state where I had little to no sense of, or reason to feel any love or compassion towards myself. I still have a very great struggle with self-care/self-love. I realise that I have suffered great trauma through my experiences and pressure to suppress my emotions, thoughts and identity. I suffer with anxiety, obsessive negative thoughts about myself and at times very black bouts of depression which have at times been suicidal in the past.

The main effect of this is that I feel disconnected, my mind is always worrying about the past, the future or whether I measure up to other peoples expectations of what they think I should be or whether they approve. This makes me struggle so much with being present and being open and authentic about myself in my daily life. I come to mindfulness through my need to be present and connected to the now and as a way of dealing with the thought patterns that I recognise as being related to the past trauma and abuse that I have suffered so that I can truly be authentic to myself and others.

This is only the beginning I realise but in formal breathing and listening practice, as soon as I bring any kind of stillness to my mind and mange to bring my attention to breathing, sounds or my body I start to cry. Like a wave, a very deep sadness comes up, I find it difficult not to start sobbing. I don't know why this happens, I don't become aware of any thoughts that relate to the strong emotions that I am feeling, I just cry and feel this great sadness. This was completely unexpected, since starting practice I've also found myself dealing with the same emotion and crying when not sitting when my mind is less cluttered with thoughts.

I wondered if anybody else has experienced the same or similar things coming up for them during practice. I am not sure how to approach this, when it comes up I have been trying to just let it happen without judgement or reasoning and bring back my attention, it still continues when I do this but it is very difficult not to bring all of my attention to it. How do others approach this when it happens to them.

Nessa

[JonW]

Hi Nessa.
Welcome to the forum. Great to have you on board.
Sorry to hear you've been having such a tough time of it.
It's not uncommon for people to experience some difficult challenges when coming to mindfulness. For many of us, mindfulness is our first experience of sitting and facing what's going on in our lives. That can sometimes be emotionally testing.
You didn't describe your current practice. Are you using a book to guide you through the 8-week course? Are you using guided mediations? Are there any particular meditations that you're finding challenging?
Have you checked out whether there are group courses available in your area? If not, have you looked into doing an online course with a reputable teacher?
At Everyday Mindfulness we'll always do our best to help out. So do stick around and please don't hesitate to ask any questions that come up.
All best wishes,
Jon, Hove

[Vanessa]

Hi Jon,

Thank you for the warm welcome and your reply

I have only just begun to explore mindfulness. Through therapy sessions I have attended which involve elements of cbt I I and mindfulness i started reading around techniques that I could apply to some of the triggers, beliefs and thoughts that I am facing in therapy and in my life. I have been reading mindfulness for beginners - john Kabat-zinn and the mindfulness breakthrough - Sara Silverton. As well as various blogs, videos online. I have also attended a group intoductory course at london meditation with Susann Hermann, which was basically an introduction to different forms of practice breathing, listening and active walking, swaying. I have been giving time daily in the morning and evening to sitting and trying both breathing and listening, as well as trying to apply this informally to my life. I realise already that it is easier for me to keep attention if I have guidance, so I intend to either attend further group sessions with london meditation or find another teacher for the same thing. Because of my anxiety I found the group and being in the presence of others to be very rewarding. A lot of my thought involves anticipation of others reaction so it was positive to have some element of improved awareness of my reactive thoughts while still there in the breaks between practice around others. It made the thoughts a lot more obvious to see in my mind.

When I attended the course I spent the whole of the time - pretty much - crying, especially through sitting, which was the point where I found it the easiest to bring my attention anywhere close to the present moment. Afterwards - and I've found when doing this alone the same thing happens - I have been concerned with whether mindfulness is right for me and also about how I should approach this when it happens. I obviously don't want to suppress the emotion , I also can't just let it go, do I just let it happen and be open to that? Just let the emotion flow without trying to stop it, manipulate it or identifying its origin?

I think I am trying to understand what it means to observe thoughts and emotions when they come up in contrast to noticing that a particular emotion is happening and suppressing it by bringing my attention to breathing or listening. I shouldn't have preconceptions I understand but for some reason it was a shock that this emotion is there deep down in the background of my mind and that it comes up into my awareness when the endless torrent of my own thinking is calmer.

Nessa

[JonW]

Hi Nessa,
I think it can be especially confusing at first if you are receiving your information/guidance from various sources. e.g. different books.
In my opinion, there's no substitute for doing an 8-week group course with a good teacher. Finding a good teacher is key and it's always preferable to go with one who has been recommended to you. If you are interested in doing an 8-week course in London I'll be happy to ask my teacher, Nick Diggins, to recommend some London-based teachers. For more information on Nick, you might be interested in checking out my interview with him on the main site. http://www.everyday-mindfulness.org/int ... k-diggins/
If you'd prefer at this stage to do the course with the help of a book, most people on this forum would probably recommend Finding Peace In A Frantic World by Mark Williams and Danny Penman. It's the book that got me started. Best go for the paper (as opposed to Kindle) version as it comes with an excellent CD of guided meditations.
The advantage of doing the 8-week course, whether with a "live" teacher or with the help of a book is that it gives you a firm grounding in mindfulness. The course (based on the Kabat-Zinn) model is carefully calibrated, taking you gently and carefully from stage to stage, thereby minimising the risk of confusion.
In the meantime, we're always happy to answer questions here on the forum. We're not trained teachers (though a few of us are gearing up for teacher training) and we don't claim to be experts. Therefore, there may be occasions when we'll have to admit that the question would be better handled by someone with the proper training/expertise. But please feel free to fire away and generally make yourself at home on the forum.
All good things,
Jon, Hove

[Gareth]

The simple mindfulness answer is that if the emotion is there, then it needs to be there. Holding these kinds of emotions back can cause us great damage over time.

That said, practising in these cirumstances is insanely difficult I would imagine. It's probably the last thing you feel like doing if it is drawing up this kind of emotion.

I'm not saying that mindfulness is the wrong thing for you; I think it has something to offer every human being. However in these circumstances, it may be that you benefit from an experienced teacher or meditating within a group for added support.

We will do our very best to help you here though: keep coming back with any questions you have. I'll refer this topic to Suryacitta, who is a very experienced head and teaches mindfulness.

I wish you all the very best.

[Happy Buddha]

Dear Nessa, Suryacitta here and i have been reading what you have posted and the replies. I must say I agree with Jon and Gareth- find a good experienced teacher in London if that is where you live.

MBSR.co.uk ir run by Michael Chaskalson and look on google for Patrizia Goddard. They have Buddhist backgrounds which helps immensely when teaching mindfulness.

Having said that if you want to continue alone then take your time and if it ever gets too much then stop the session. The held emotion from our past is always best when released slowly - and that is what is happening with you.

It is a form of purification. Just like when they heat up gold and all the non gold elements rise to the top then are skimmed off to make it more pure. I am not saying that the emotions are impure by the way but the analogy may help.

If you continue I will be cry surprised if at some point the crying and emotional releases don't diminish - they nearly always do. Your body just needs to empty itself.

There are two types of emotion - true and false emotion. True emotion is honest and genuine emotion as appears in your case - it happens because you are brave enough to stop doing and to set up the conditions for them to arise. False emotion is a response to our thoughts and self pitying stories but my my guess with you is that your emotions are true and genuine.

When you are sitting I suggest that you don't set a timer, or at least set it for 5 minute intervals so that you are free to stop if you need to. Let yourself cry - just be aware of any thoughts and stories about it. The best you can be with the felt experience in and around the body, as emotions are often not confined to the physical body.

Also try to be aware as possible the first signs of emotion arising - this is not to judge or to do anything with them but this is how we develop our ability to contain them with awareness.

But please!!! rauma is difficult to work with and can be unpredictable so do look for somebody with perhaps 20 years experience of practicing mindfulness and at least 5 years of teaching. The two mentioned above both fall into those categories.

do drop us a line and let us know how things are- wishing you well, Suryacitta

[piedwagtail91]

hi nessa
i wouldn't worry too much about it, it happened to me for quite some time. maybe not so much with mindfulness but almost always with self compassion, it went on for many months.
maybe your answer lies here?
"as soon as I bring any kind of stillness to my mind"
there may not be a 'reason' , just a release , the start of the long healing process.
and as the others have said , a good teacher and an 8 week course can really help.
good luck
keep in touch
mick

[Vanessa]

Thanks everyone for posting such informative replies to my original post

I bought Finding Peace In A Frantic World yesterday (still waiting for my CD version). Thanks you for the suggestion Jon. Wow, I think just reading the first 3/4 chapters showed me some of what you and others have posted here, already I've found some of the explanations and demonstrations extremely useful.

I think I want my next step to be the 8 week course. Given my experience of the group introduction I attended, and the positive benefit I feel that I got from being in the presence of other people, I think for me that would be a very enriching thing to do. If Jon or anyone else can recommend reputable experienced teachers in the London area I would be very grateful. I intend to email Michael Chaskalson and Patrizia Collard this week to enquire about joining a group course (thank you Suryacitta).

I can see that this is something I really need in my life to heal myself. Its quite bizarre to me that I feel so profoundly effected by it when this is only the beginning, that sounds so stupid and naive but its true. There are only a handful of things that have ever affected me that much. Not that I think that its an answer in itself, but something I can appreciate the value in already from the extremely limited but growing awareness of what is happening with me.

The crying isn't something that is making me sad, on the contrary it is a very cathartic experience, to be honest it actually feels something like relief. Allowing it to come to the surface is something I have never really done, the emotion is there, in the background, I cultivated many mind games over the years to try to ignore and not have to connect with that sadness along with my true feelings about a lot of things. It made it easier to hide from myself and other people.

When I posted yesterday I was confused about what it means to observe emotions in the context of those kinds of things that come up for me when I am more still, I think from your posts and also reading your excellent book suggestion I am starting to understand. Thank you all so very much

[Gareth]

Keep us updated on your progress.

It will be beautiful to see your journey.

[Happy Buddha]

Hope it goes well, Nessa