Practice Leads to Worry and Guilt

[umeboshi]

Hi Dave,
I've been using mindfulness to learn to handle my emotions after a third bout of major depression, and I can really identify with handling difficult emotions by either dissecting every angle of a situation until I conclude there is no good outcome to be found and giving up on it, or suppressing and stuffing most of my feelings until I'm isolated and practically numb.
A couple things have been helpful for me, and I'll share them here in case you find them useful. I've found the book The Mindful Way through Depression Workbook (it comes with a CD) by Jon Kabat-Zin really helpful. The start of the practice is simply to do a guided 30 min body scan each day. Over time, it's helped me tune in to how I'm feeling before an emotion grows into something painful. I've found if I ignore my feelings, I'm not aware of them until they're at catastrophe level.
Recently I went on a three day silent meditation retreat, and I can assure you I did not achieve the peaceful meditation I secretly hoped for, but I did learn something valuable about my mind. I found my brain would do practically anything to avoid being still and open. Thoughts, images, muscle spasms, you name it. As soon as I coped with one form of distraction another form arose. I realized that this mental activity was a habit, and one that I had created by constantly using TV, reading material or the computer to distract myself when I am alone. My sense was that I feared experiencing loneliness and worthlessness and hence got in the habit of creating an environment of constant distraction. Now when I habitually reach for a book or the remote or laptop, I ask myself if I'm really wholeheartedly wanting to do that activity, or is this an opportunity to do something different. Just being aware that there is a choice can be helpful. The worrying is an important message, but it may not be the content of the worry that is meaningful. When you start ruminating, see if you can recognize it as a habit that you use to prevent being open to the present, and see if there is some space there to choose to do something new.
Finally, I have benefited a lot from practicing lovingkindness meditation. There are some good guided versions on youtube. At first I found it very difficult to tell myself that I cared about my life, but it was very healing to do so. Please know that whatever mistakes you've made, you are still a lovable, worthwhile person and each one of us has deep regrets and painful memories of our own unskillful actions toward others. If we each cataloged our lifetime of mistakes, no one would have the will to get out of bed in the morning! It's true! You may find it helpful to write notes of apology to people you feel you treated badly in the past, you don't necessarily have to send them, but it might let you work out the thoughts and feelings about the situations. Have compassion for yourself, and realize you do not need to continue to make yourself suffer by beating yourself up. You are very aware of your own pain, and other's pain, and with compassion for yourself and others this is a great strength.
Many blessings to you.